to want MIL to back off, butt out and stop trying to control us?!

[BranflakeGirl]

I'm sure there are plenty of MN rants about mil's but I really wanted to get this off my chest as I am LIVID about the way mine behaves, her attitude...everything in fact!!!

DH and I got married last year and before then she was ok, quite nice in fact. During the wedding planning she started playing up , treating us like we were stupid children unable to cope doing anything without her sticking her oar in and making things more stressful than they needed to be. Since then she has been impossible! She rings DH and demands we go to see her when she says so/needs something done on his day off, sulks if we can't and is totally unreasonable when we do. She totally ruined our first Christmas after I had taken pity on her (after MUCH hinting from her about how she'd be all alone) by acting like a brat. We gave up our bed for her, spent a fortune on food and hours in the kitchen and all she did was sulk when we suggested playing games instead of watching telly, changed channels when we put something on cos she claimed she'd seen it (It was a brand new, Christmas special!) and moaned that it shouldn't be any different from her normal day!

Then in January, just after we'd found out I was pg and had had some pain I had to go to the EPU. DH had told her we MIGHT visit to help sort a problem she was having with the laptop I had given her (worth £600, given out of kindness as her PC packed up) but nothing was definite. We were at the EPU for a while, it's quite a long way from where we live, but I said after that we should pop down to MIL's and sort out her computer problem as she'd made it sound urgent, then we could grab a bite to eat at a resturant we had vouchers for (cos we're skint and I knew I'd be to tired to cook after all that) but when we got there she flew into a rage; how dare we show up so late etc etc. Anyway, we fixed the laptop...silly mare had forgotten how to turn it on!...and got another lecture on how her "condition" made it impossiple to remember anything complicated in the evening (it was 4.30 and all I said was "It's this button here, I'll put a sticker by it.") Then DH said that as she was tired we wouldn't stay and were going to have a meal and head off. Well she flew right off the handle then; how dare we show up late and just pop in like that! How come we're always saying we're skint but we are ALWAYS eating out?! (DH and I hadn't eaten out since our honeymoon 4 months before!!)How come DH wasn't spending as much time with her since we got married?! She went on and on for what felt like hours, I began to feel really ill and in the end DH and I just left.

Fact: Before DH and I were married he used to go down there once a month, pop in and say hi then go round his mates and only occasionally pop back for dinner. Her version is that he was there all day sitting in with her, doing errands for her etc!

Ever since then she has been the same, nothing we do is good enough for her. Last week we spent 5 hours sorting out her new computer (my laptop was too complicated so she spent £500 on this flat touch screen thing that she has no idea how to use) but wasn't greatful and huffed when we needed to pop out to buy something we couldn't get where we live. Then, having invited us for dinner she only cooked for herself and acted like our being there was putting her out.

And the latest is that she has demanded our presence this week to see her number 1 son, DH's younger step-brother, as he is back from abroad for a couple of months. We can't go cos I have a stupid appointment at the jobcentre all afternoon so she is refusing to let us have the vouchers DH's Auntie collected for us from her local paper cos she (Auntie) thought we could do with a cheap holiday. I pointed out to DH that if "Golden boy" wanted to see us he could either come to us OR be flexiable about when, he is home for months NOT days ffs!

I am sick to the back teeth of this woman...even talking about her makes me stressed now! I have tried to be nice, I have put up with a lot (especially her ruining Christmas, a time of year that depresses me anyway.) and I am sick of being treated like DH (42) and I (33) are incapable of running our own lives!

Ok, rant over. AIBU?!

Dolly... - She is very "with it" mentally, she just a very demanding cold fish. Always has been according to both DH and SIL. No idea how DH has put up with it for so long...mind you, he puts up with me too, must be some kind of saint!

Branflake, I think her behaviour sounds appalling. I too thought dementia but if she has always been like that maybe she is just a mean old bag.

My fil was a bit of an arse until he pissed me off one day and I just got up and walked out of his house. No words were needed as he knew exactly what he had done to offend. We get on okay but he knows I won't take any of his bullshit. I think if i hadn't nipped it in the bud we wouldn't speak now.

Dh is always on my side though and I think this is important.

To be fair on DH he is on my side but he's just so laid back...and he's so used to her behaviour that it's like water of a ducks back to him. He has said that he won't tolerate it any more, especially where baby is concerned or if it stresses me out.

Thats good then branflake.

Must admit though in my situation it was better coming from me as he would have tried to brush it off otherwise.

I appreciate that this is not always the optimum solution.

This is my mil. It will take a bit of time but you need to disengage a lot...

1. Your dh is and has been too close and conditioned to react any other way at the moment but he could read up on toxic parents (Im sure someone will come along and tell you which books)
2. Distance yourselves. He does NOT have to come running every time she calls. He gets abuse when he goes and he gets abuse when he doesn't go.

Which one is less stressful for you both - yes Don't go.

1. Treat her like a toddler, My best line to her was, in my best english accent, 'I beg your pardon'

She will always be like this but you two can change how you deal with her. Good luck.

If that's the case Branflake then I'm so sorry for you, she sounds dreadful.

I too hope there a book out on 'how too be brilliant MIL' when I have my turn,
But hopefully I will learn by my MILs mistakes with her DILs.
oh good luck op by the way.

If she uses the computer for emails to you, try to get her to confirm arrangements so that if she denies it later, you have emails to prove what she agreed to.

Dementia can start v mildly (e.g. when your husband was v young) and grow slowly.

branflake

You have my sympathies. Mamas12 is right in her reply to you.

Your MIL sounds totally toxic and her behaviour will intensify further once your child comes along.

You both need to complete disengage emotionally and physcially from this woman otherwise she will continue to cause emotional havoc to you all. Do not think she won't start on her grandchild eventually because she will. These people neve apologise, never take any responsibility for their actions and are all too adept to blame others for their ills.

Your DH needs to start reading "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. You could do with reading "Toxic Inlaws" written by the same author.

Branflake,

Is she still with her second husband?.

I am not at all surprised to see that two of her own four children want nothing to do with her; that says a hell of a lot.

All the above are good reasons to disengage totally from her. She will not and has not brought anything at all positive into your lives. You still need to distance yourselves entirely from her. It is not your fault she is like this; she has doubtless always been this way.

Your DH has become conditioned into accepting all this from her as "normal" - he has known nothing else really so it is difficult to make a change. But change he must and the book recommended will be a small step to help.

AttilaTheMeercat - They divorced but recently "dated" again cos he showed up just after her mum died (probably smelled money!) came to my wedding with her (and tried chatting up my Matron of Honour!) then they split up, then dated again, then split up. Mil always complains that she wants a relationship BUT never bothers going out and trying to meet people so she just flits between this creep and his equally creepy mate...I actually joked, to her face, that they had her on a time-share! Lol!

I would like nothing better than to disengage entirely from her, I don't want her "poison" anywhere near my baby when it's born. I am trying to avoid going there as much as I can during my pregnancy too and DH agrees, which is a start!

Thanks for the book recommendations...if only they did a book on how to get my DH to actually read a book!!!

Atilla that's exactly it. And you can't understand their actions because they don't make sense, why would anyone sabotage their relationships with the people who, despite all the odds, love them?

BranflakeGirl it's good that your DP is willing to back you up, how would he feel about limiting contact?

I understand how you feel, because I don't want my MIL anywhere near my DD. Luckily she hasn't asked to see her yet, but if she does (and my DP agrees) I will insist on supervision at all times and the minute she starts her poison drip of vitriol and manipulation, we will be out there!

Sorry for hijack, but I think limiting your emotional engagement will help you cope, it's certainly helped me and DP.

Good luck

Thanks DemonChild, am taking all good advice onboard. DH has no prob's with not seeing her often as he is getting sick of the stress...he's just very laid back about it all, he's pretty laid back all the time actually!

The problem with doing things "for a quiet life" is that you never get one....

Branflakegirl - does your dh see that her behaviour is unreasonable? Do you clash over it at all?
I think distancing yourselves from it all sounds like a good plan, and if she starts offering things - train fares, prams for the baby etc, just politely decline - don't let her put you in a position where she can deny all knowledge of offering.

interestinglino - DH does find her behaviour unreasonable. We've never clashed over it but I have had to put my foot down lately in regards to being more pro-active and less laid back just because he's used to it.

I think your MIL can only control you if you let her. Whether she is ill or not, you and your dh are adults, and are not answerable to her.
If she wants to see you and its not convient, polietly say, we cant just now, will such and such a time do? If she proceeds to moan/shout/be rude, put the phone down, and ask her to call you when she is calm. You wouldnt accept this behaviour from a friend, so why your MIL?
If she is rude when you visit, as others have said, just leave. If you are consistent, she will get the message, and if she really wants to see you she will change her behaviour.
Do not rely on offers of money etc. Just say, no thankyou, and if you dont have the money, dont go and visit. It is another way for her to "pull your chains".
You and dh MUST be clearer and firmer with your MIL from now, or it will be worse when the baby comes, and you will be more emotionally vulnerable. Good Luck!

Branflake, if your DH can't read a book then check this out because that's what your MIL sounds like.

Haven't read all the way through, but as others have suggested, I immediately thought dementia or weird behaviour due to (prescription) drugs

Miggsie - OMG, that is so true and I have forwarded link to DH at work.