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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Im trying to keep my cool but now feel my son is being told of when its not their place to tell him d on ne but me should tell my son off.

50 replies

mummysleep · 26/03/2010 20:09

My son is four,and he is a lovely happy boy,however on family occasions my Sil shouts at him. Its gets me down I have never said anything but recently another friend started started to do the same thing, my close friends have never ever spoken to my son out of turn and have a nice way if he did do something wrong ,is it me or should I say something because I dont want to socialise anymore and its not my sons fault but maybe mine for not doing the right thing should I stand up for him and how?. For what it is worth I would never shout,tell anyone else's child off what do I do please ?.
If I dont sort this soon the next time I will explode because Im at my wits end, its making me sad.

OP posts:
Slambang · 26/03/2010 20:11

What sort of thing is he doing?

BitOfFun · 26/03/2010 20:13

What is he doing to get told off?

If you intervene first and speak to him the way you like to about his behaviour, would it head them off?

Deffo don't turn into one of those shrieking mothers who won't let other adults interfere if he's putting his head up their skirt etc- they just annoy people.

JackBauer · 26/03/2010 20:13

Yes, what is he doing?

FWIW I would and do tell off other peoples children if they do something that needs it and I am closest adult.

Original poster
mummysleep · 26/03/2010 20:14

Well he was the oldest the rest 1 and 2 went to a friends nothing for him to do just baby toys so he tried to play with them and their toys including them, friend moaned dont play on that you will break it and have to pay for it, dont run ,be careful,etc.
Sil dont do anything dont play dont run, etc.

OP posts:
Mongolia · 26/03/2010 20:14

Before standing up for him, could you make a sincere evaluation of how your child is behaving? It takes a lot for a person to shout to another person's child, so perhaps try to work out if there is something the other people is finding annoying, a beahaviour that they think you should take care of, and try to stop your child repeating it?

You can say something, it is not on for your child to be shouted at, but before you shut people out of your life, check twice, because if there is a problem, it may not be the end of it.

waitingforbedtime · 26/03/2010 20:15

I tell my nephew off and my close friends kids if I see something their parents dont ie hitting, smashing toys up etc - I would think it odd not to. However, I wouldnt shout as such (except when in hell soft play and I have to shoute to be heard.

Slambang · 26/03/2010 20:16

Was that shouting loud or moaning at him?
Sounds intolerant but not angry.

orienteerer · 26/03/2010 20:17

FWIW I will & do speak (sometimes shout) to friends children to correct behaviour and would expect them to do the same with ds.

Original poster
mummysleep · 26/03/2010 20:18

Im not bias my son is the eldest out of my friends children by at least 2-3 years it just seems because my son is the eldest its acceptable for others to take toys of him,hit him etc.

OP posts:
larks35 · 26/03/2010 20:20

Take some of his toys with you when you visit them. My friends/family with olders kids do this, it doesn't stop them wanting to try out my DS's toys but does mean they don't get so bored. FWIW I have often 'told off' my DNieces and DNephews, not shouted but explained what is/is not acceptable in my house. My sisters appreciate me stepping in as it takes the onus off them - for a minute or two.

Original poster
mummysleep · 26/03/2010 20:20

I have spoken to mil and close friends and they say my son is lovely very kind, a normal 4 year old I have had lots of comments why im allowing this to happen because others have noticed a few people being out of order and speaking out of turn.

OP posts:
Slambang · 26/03/2010 20:23

BTW you may be right about your friend being unfair but I think you are wrong that only you should discipline your child.

I have experience of another culture where any older adult would feel it right to chastise a child if they see them misbehaving in public. I honestly feel that it is better for a child if they respect everybody not just their dm. It keeps them and society safer. I think an attitude of 'Nobody is allowed to chastise to my child except me' is what leads to loads of the current problems in this country's schools and in public - the 'you can't tell me what to do so f- you' attitude of some yoofs.

Mongolia · 26/03/2010 20:23

Have you realised that perhaps this other mother is standing up for her children to protect them or their toys from your child's behaviour? Perhaps you should take that role yourself?

DS has a little friend who every time he gets annoyed he breaks something in the house, the damage he has caused in MY house is counted in the hundreds of pounds (read TV, dvd player, a laptop, video games, and lots and lots of toys that were important for DS).

Her mother doesn't do much and thinks he is only a child and therefore should not be made accountable for what he does... so we don't invite them around any more, which in my opinion is better than starting shouting at the child,
, however that only means that the child is getting a bit isolated just because the mum can't/won't deal with the behaviour of her own child.

MrsRigby · 26/03/2010 20:25

It doesn't matter what your son is doing, it is your place and not hers to tell him off.

Don't worry I have family that try to interfere too.

BooyhooNOTboohoooORbooyou · 26/03/2010 20:25

if someone is shouting at your son then yes you should intervene.
it is not acceptable to shout at someone else's child (or any child IMO, it isn't necessary)

but if they are just reprimanding him for naughty behaviour then i think you need to take a look at why he is always being reprimanded. is he particularly naughty?

caen · 26/03/2010 20:27

Agree with Slambang. Bringing up children is a communal activity and they have to learn that they are answerable to other adults and not just their parents. Even if it's sometimes unfair, that's life, and you'll be doing your son a favour to teach him that.

DandyLioness · 26/03/2010 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mummysleep · 26/03/2010 20:41

Mongolia Im a good mum so dont tell me to take that role myself, Im a good mum and I am strict with my son my son is told off by me if he is in the wrong, and praised when he is good.
I dont like people shouting when their is no clear reason thats my point ,I dont mind them telling him if he did something wrong but Im quick to step if he is in the wrong if he did something wrong.

OP posts:
moffat · 26/03/2010 20:44

It sounds as though they have no understanding of how children older than their's behave.

If you are feeling so down about it my guess is that they are being unfair and you should stand up for your ds - from what you say it sounds as though their tone is really unpleasant and that is upsetting you more than the actual reprimanding.

Original poster
mummysleep · 26/03/2010 20:51

Moffat you have hit the nail on the head, my family speak firmly to my son if he has done something wrong the two others shriek, shout and I dont like the way they talk to him to me its almost bullying.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 26/03/2010 20:54

They are hitting him? Really?

Mongolia · 26/03/2010 20:55

Well, I can only judge on your posts, as I have obviously not been there. I agree that some parents of younger children don't get to understand that the behaviour of an older child is consistent with that of children the same age.

However, as others have pointed out in this thread, there are 2 people shouting at him, and that is far too many, hence why we are suggesting that there is something wrong with the behaviour or your dealing with your child.

I guess it's all about standards, for example, my DS has the annoying lovely habit of being very affectionate, I know he doesn't do it to annoy people, that he is only showing he cares for that people, and that he is only expressing himself. I'm so used to it I can barely notice it, which doesn't mean I shouldn't stop him from climbing onto other people laps, which was cute when he was 2 but now that he is 6 is like having a labrador sitting on your lap

Fruitysunshine · 26/03/2010 21:11

I have been in the situation once years ago where somebody decided to take my son in had because he would not give pencils back to a girl - they were both drawing at the time and around 8yrs old.

When I say "in hand" he literally had my son by the back of the neck and squeezed him until he let the pencils go.

If anybody has an issue with my children they have to see me about it - I need to know in order to fix it and if shouting or discipline is required then I will be the one to administer it (although shouting is mostly an over-reaction and a loss of control).

gerontius · 26/03/2010 22:11

I'm interested to know why some people don't others should tell off their child?

Fruitysunshine · 26/03/2010 22:13

Why should others? Why should it not be referred back to the parent in the first instance?

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