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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Im trying to keep my cool but now feel my son is being told of when its not their place to tell him d on ne but me should tell my son off.

50 replies

mummysleep · 26/03/2010 20:09

My son is four,and he is a lovely happy boy,however on family occasions my Sil shouts at him. Its gets me down I have never said anything but recently another friend started started to do the same thing, my close friends have never ever spoken to my son out of turn and have a nice way if he did do something wrong ,is it me or should I say something because I dont want to socialise anymore and its not my sons fault but maybe mine for not doing the right thing should I stand up for him and how?. For what it is worth I would never shout,tell anyone else's child off what do I do please ?.
If I dont sort this soon the next time I will explode because Im at my wits end, its making me sad.

OP posts:

gerontius · 26/03/2010 22:15

Because often if you're telling other people's children off, it's because they're not doing anything themselves.

jai80 · 26/03/2010 22:26

I don't mind others telling my son 5yrs off if he is doing something wrong. I do however have an issue with people that tell him off for things they let their own children get away with!!! - just because I am stricter!!!

I have a friend whos ds's (x2) have tamtrums when told no, they are 4 and 6 and who ignore her. I have begun telling them off in my house when they continiusly jump on furniture having been asked not to. They get upset and are comforted by her but at least they are beginning to get the message!!! - even if I still come out the bad guy at least my furniture will last!!! Also they do not tidy up so I reward my son with stickers or a lolly when he does - they have a melt down over this but I'm sure one day they'll realise that when I say whoever tidies gets a sticker they'll do it. I also feel then I am not telling them off but rewarding good behaviour that they too could exhibit.

jallsort80 · 26/03/2010 22:31

I do if a child is wrong then it is the adults job to correct the behaviour whoever they are.

jallsort80 · 26/03/2010 22:32

Well said gerontios I agree with you

shockers · 26/03/2010 22:43

It's very hard to understand an older child's behaviour (unless it's absolutely perfect!) when you only have littlies. I've been there myself many years ago, and have been on the other (your) side many times too.

I'd let him spend lots of time with his own peer group if you can... and take things you can distract him with when you're with these other mums... this will give you control without them (or him) even realising!

jallsort80 · 26/03/2010 22:48

I agree with shockers. Also sometimes taking an activity he is VERY good at eg puzzle or colouring so they can admire what he can do instead of demanding all he can't.

shockers · 26/03/2010 22:58

That's a good idea jall. Sometimes slightly older children regress in behaviour when they're with small ones because the others get praised for, what may seem to them, the daftest things!

2rebecca · 26/03/2010 23:23

I rarely shout at my kids so wouldn't shout at someone else's, however if someone else's child was upsetting mine and their parent was ignoring it and not disciplining the child then I would discipline him rather than have my child upset. Have never needed to do this with a relative though. If I wasn't around and one of mine was being a pain I'd expect my family to intervene.
It sounds as though you need to talk to your relatives about your different ideas of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour from your child. If they just have unrealistic expectations and won't stop being negative i'd stop seeing them as much and hang out with people who like your son and have kids of similar age.
Also agree take toys for his age and play with him rather than just chat to the adults leaving him to annoy the little ones.

Fruitysunshine · 27/03/2010 00:02

I don't think it is right to shout at anyone else's child. I don't understand why you need to to be honest. If there is a safety element then surely it is a firm talking to at the most, not shouting??

Fruitysunshine · 27/03/2010 00:04

Of course then there is a standards difference. Some people will not have the same principles as me and vice versa - so who is right in that situation? Why should an adult shout at a child if the child's parent does not view the child as having done anything wrong?

Jo1692 · 27/03/2010 08:26

If you don't allow other people to correct your child, if it is deserved, you are storing up a world of trouble for him, you, his teachers and classmates. What do you think happens in schools? Would you want your son to ignore his teachers because "you're not my mother" - which, I may add having also been a secondary school teacher, turns into "f* off. Nobody can tell me what to do". And that will include you.

jallsort80 · 27/03/2010 08:29

I agree fruity I rarely shout at my son so wouldn't shout at someone elses child but I will use a firm voice if they are being naughty. BY naughty I mean carrying on doing something they have been asked not to are breaking a toy because they cant get their own way. My son is 5 so most friends are 4-6 and children of this age are old enough to understand this. I will not however put someone elses child in time out as I would for my son as I don't feel this is my place to do so. If the behaviour carried on I would give the child or children who are behaving a sticker as a reward for good behaviour.

It's a hard one tho because I know how hard it is when children are ignoring their parents who are pleading their children to listen without consequence - it's screams against all natural instints not to interfere - but who is really at fault here???? The child who knows eventually they'll be allowed to carry on the behaviour because the parent will give up or the parents for not setting boundaries??? And should we then as a parent/ homeowner get involved???? Are we overstepping the mark or just making it clear what behaviour we allow in our own home????

I would be interested to hear other MN thoughts on this.

Thanx

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/03/2010 08:57

mummysleep - I agree it's OK for others to discipline your child, BUT, I would never shout at another person's child.

It sounds to me as if your SlL are being over-protective and over the top. Many people with smaller children don't understand older children and find them more threatening than they really are.

Original poster

mummysleep · 27/03/2010 11:04

Id like to say I have said no firmly to a child if they are in danger or my child was, but never would I shout at a child, thats the difference.
I have no problem with teachers etc telling him thats their job but Im against shouting and thats my point of the thread.

OP posts:

leoleosuperstar · 27/03/2010 11:19

mummysleep I have a a lot of sisters and one corrects my DS with the way he speaks (she forgets that a 4yo can sound rude when they are not being rude they are just talking in a straight forward way) and what I do is try to jump in before she has a chance to say anything and show that I have no problem with what he has just said.

I agree that it is not their place to tell your DS off if it is upsetting you and if the behaviour he is being told off for isn't in your opinion naughty.

I tell my nephews off but generally for behaviour they have already been told not to do or may hurt them. Or I would call my sister and say have you seen what x is doing?

I would always ask someone if I heard them tell my DS off what they told him off for and listen to what they were saying. If they shouted I would firmly say that I do not shout at DS and would prefer it if they didn't and pause, smile and swiftly carry on with a previous conversation.

I would say softly next time is DS annoying you? I would also suggest that if a toy is precious (sp?) that maybe it should be put away and only toys that all the children can play with be brought out.

diddl · 27/03/2010 12:03

I do think it´s OK to tell other people´s children off-but not to shout at them.
Also, I would have to correct the adult if I thought they wee wrong.
TBH, the only time I have intervened is if a child is about to hurt themselves or my child.

DandyLioness · 27/03/2010 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DandyLioness · 27/03/2010 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Fruitysunshine · 27/03/2010 19:24

leoleosuperstar

I just wanted to say that your user name has made me smile as it was my Dad's name and he passed in 2002. Thanks for the reminder

leoleosuperstar · 30/03/2010 19:56

Fruitysunshine I'm glad you've had a nice reminder - my parents have both passed away and little reminders like that are nice

follygirl · 30/03/2010 20:05

My mil went through a stage of telling my dc off in front of me. My dh had a word with her and it hasn't happened again.

I don't mind people telling my children off when I'm not there but I don't expect people to discipline them when I'm in front of them and personally don't believe that they need disciplining.

ConstantlyCooking · 31/03/2010 10:13

Is the problem that the people shouting at your Ds only have little ones and so do not understand 4 year olds. Where you (and others with a child of that age) would see a nice, well behaved boy looking at a toy - they see a great big, hulking giant about to stamp on/knock over their precious baby.

I Agree with other posters that maybe taking some things for him to do and giving him lots of positive attention. Also how about mentioning to the people concerned that while you don't mind people calming telling your ds to stop doing stuff or to be careful - you do not want others to shout at him because you don't want him to think that is acceptable. FWIW you could also point out that children behave with younger children in a way that reflects how adults treat them and they wouldn't like him to start shouting.

Remember in a few years you can start commenting on their boisterous toddlers causing mayhem while your older child sits nicely and colours!

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2010 10:22

I think it's perfectly possible that both the OP's SIL and one of her friends are bullying bitches TBH. Given that the OP says other friends and family are commenting on the behaviour of the squawking bitches rather than the appalling out-of-control child. Two individuals criticising a child out of a larger group of family and friends suggest that the problem lies with the individuals, not the parenting of the child.

OrmRenewed · 31/03/2010 10:36

I agree with constant. Some parents of very little ones see older children as a big scary threat. And see risk to their DC where there isn't one. It sounds to me as if that is the issue, not your child. Next time I would take issue with them and ask them not to.

Journey · 31/03/2010 10:48

The next time they do it I'd say in an assertive tone "You don't speak to anyone else like that so don't speak to my son like that". Use a firm voice and look them in the eye when you say it.

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