to let my dc make their 1st holy communion even though we dont attend mass

[brook1]

DH and I are catholics (although not practicing ones). We married in a catholic church and had our dc christened as catholics and send them to a catholic school.

The school was our choice because of its good reputation rather than being catholic. I am not deeply religious, and there are some elements of the catholic church that I dont agree with (gays,birth control,divorce). I do really wonder why we christened the dc as catholic sometimes. But, as most of my family are strict catholics I kind of felt it was expected of me.

I have nothing against the dc going to church, my parents sometimes take them occassionaly if they stay over on a Saturday night. Personally, I find it boring and think that many people there are just there for show or because they feel they should go rather than that they want to go. I bring my children up to be nice people and to have good values, to be polite and nice to others and I think this is more important.

Anyway, getting back to the point, a relative of mine has recently said that she thinks it is wrong of me to let the dc make their 1st communion seeing as we dont go to mass. I told her that I have nothing against them learning and taking part in religious ceremonies, in particular this one, which is done via the school. Now I know many strict catholics will probably think they should be attending mass, but, when I was at school the teachers used to check on a Monday morning who went to mass the previous day. There is nothing like that anymore, the schools seem more laid back about it.

What do you think? Is it ok to let them make their 1st communion if I dont regularly go to mass?

Yes -do it for the cultural continuity.

I am an athiest - if that makes a difference.

If the DC want to do it, you are happy for them to do it, and the priest is happy for them to do it,it's got nowt to do with anyone else

i agree with your relative. it reeks of hypocrisy.

I'm very much in the same position as you are... I'm not practicant but at some points of my life, the faith I had back then helped me through some very bad patches. Consequently, although I don't have that faith anymore, I would like DS to have the opportunity of having it even if at the end he decides he will be better of turning into an atheist.

So that's the theory, in practice, I can't get myself to tell him about God, Jesus and what they have done for us, as I don't believe anymore. I would be GRATEFUL if someone could teach those things to DS, so I think that in that respect you are perfectly reasonable, very lucky and that whatever you do with respect to your believes, it's nobody else's business.

I was trying so hard not to get into a fight over religion but you got me.

"I find it boring and think that many people there are just there for show or because they feel they should go rather than that they want to go."

How the hell do you know what other people are thinking? Because really, you'd make a fortune on tv if you really are a mind reader. You find it boring, great, don't go. But don't pretend to know what other people's motives are just because they're making you feel bad for not being arsed. As for checking up on a Monday morning, you only do things because you're being checked up on? Nice lesson for your children there.

And yes, I agree with your relative. Everything you've written is laced with hypocrisy. It's not 'taking part in religious ceremonies', it's not there for your entertainment. Do what you like, I give up with some people.

Mongolia, your position sounds very different. The op is saying she can't be bothered with it all, that's another thing altogether.

Do your children believe? They're the ones taking the sacrament.

Why not wait until your DCs are old enough to make up their own minds?

You may find that the Priest will refuse to do allow it as ours does.

Brook1's position is very similar to mine, or perhaps even more similar to those of my parents. As a child we hardly went to a mass (unless someone was getting married), we were raised with very strong values, and almost no religion at all. If anything, we talked about religion from a theological point of view rather than that of faith. It was possibly more like learning about history rather than the things God and all his saints could do for us.

We had our first communions, not because my parents wanted it but because every other children were having them and they thought we wouldn't like to be the odd ones out (more so when you are growing into a very catholic community). In time, we got more into the church activities, against the will of our parents who thought we were brainwashed. So as I said before, at some point my faith was so strong that I though I was never alone and that somebody was out there REALLY watching over me. It was a very comforting feeling and I wish DS could find some comfort in having a similar faith even if it is only for a limited time in his life.

So I think it is ok for the children to do their first communions even if the parents are not bothered. Perhaps they would benefit of having something they would have missed otherwise, and I certainly preffer an atheist who has become one out of convinction and self examination than one that was born out of sheer ignorance.

YANBU - your relative was being unkind when she made that remark.

They go to school masses don't they? The priest is happy to do it is he? Well then,go ahead and have a lovely day.

However, your remark that other people only go because they feel obliged is a bit unnecessary. You don't know that.

And just for the record, there are a lot of people who feel obliged to go to church just because, it's what the people around them is expecting of them. As well as there is a bigger majority that goes because they want to.

If the kids are happy, you are happy and the priest is happy, then go ahead. The cultural pull is very strong and I can undertand wanting your kids to understand that. In my area you would have to attend mass and parents' classes for the best of the year in the run up and whilst no child was turned away it was made pretty clear what the expectations were.

A year of communion classes seems to have led to some wavering in my DD's belief (much to her atheist father's delight).

Do what you like

When you chose to have your children baptised, you promised to bring them up in the practice of the faith. You took on a role as their first teachers of the faith. The sacrament of communion is a deeper initiation into the life, worship and work of the Catholic church.

Good on you for questioning your wishes and motives, I suppose. I guess you could have just gone along with it and enjoyed the day without being sincere about it.

Your parish will probably have a preparation programme for the children and the parents. You could go on that and see how you and your children feel. You might find it inspiring, or you might find it confirms all your reservations.

What do you want for your children? You sound very passive about it.

Actually, I DO know that many people go to church because they feel they have to. Lots of people in my family (more my generation rather than my parents generation) have gone to mass under pressure which I know for a fact, and once they have reached a certain age they have stopped.

I dont honestly think I am being unreasonable in saying that I find mass boring. Because, I really do and thats just my opinion. Other people may find it interesting but I just dont. And I dont think its offensive in any way to say that. I have never said this to my dc or indicated this in any way. And, fwiw, if they ever asked me to take them then I wouldnt refuse, but so far, they havent.

I really dont mean to offend anyone, it really is each to their own. But, why should I stop my children taking part in a ceremony that is led by school just because we dont go to church. They take part in all the religious things at school and learn all about the catholic faith.

Rolf - there is no doubt that I would attend all the preparation programmes and things and I will be very positive with my children about it all.

Someone questioned why I had the dc baptised as catholic, well the reason is this. My eldest dc was critically ill when born and was not expected to survive. I selfishly turned to God for my own wants and needs and prayed that everything would be ok. The night before the major op we made the decision to have her baptised. Months later I did attend church because I felt like I was grateful that my dc was doing well and I felt like I wanted to go. However, as time went on, it became inconvenient to go and various things have happened since, whereby I question many things about the church. If I were to go then it would be because I think I should go, not because I want to. I cant help the way I feel. When my next dc arrived it seemed right to baptise them catholic the same as their elder sibling.

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It's not just "taking part in a ceremony", like taking part in a school play. It's a sacrament, an important part of the Catholic faith. I think that to send a child in to "take part in a ceremony" without the spiritual commitment would be hypocritical and inappropriate.

If your child found herself in the situation you were in when she was an infant, would you want her to have the foundations of faith that helped you and brought you comfort and strength?

It is very unusual for FHC preparation to be done at school these days. In fact I thought that it had to be done through the parish?

Faith, like life, love and all the other important human experiences, just isn't black and white. It's not consistently felt, 100% understood or always welcome or always with us. It's a journey.

So its understandable that because you're at what appears to be a low point in your faith journey (because you never know which way it might go) that you don't feel positive about your child's faith journey.

Your children are individual humans, different to you and they might have a whole different experience of faith. Maybe you need to let them find things out for themselves, but not put a negative slant on it because you are feeling negative about it. I find younger people can often give me insights into these things thatI didn't expect.

However, on the other hand, you seem to be missing the whole point. Faith is all about relationship, our relationship with God and particularly when it comes to Holy Communion our relationship with Jesus, it these things aren't important to you, but you just want a good school, a 'lovely day' or a pretty church for your photos then why bother? If you don't go to church then why have First Holy Communion?

I'd rather go to Mass because I felt I ought to - to take time out for God or to pray for others who needed it, or to reflect on my life, all these important things that I ought to do and that have great benefits etc, then go through meaningless actions for the sake of culture or what others think.

It's not a 'product' that you can attain for your kids like a badge at brownies. Only do it if you think it has value, which from what I can gather, you don't think it does.

At least you are thinking about it, and not just blithely going through with it.

These are difficult issues to ponder!
Good luck!

Yes Rolf, I would, without a doubt. And theres no denying that I spent a lot of time in the hospital chapel praying please God help my child be ok.

But, I cannot help the fact that I no longer have the spiritual commitment. However, I dont feel that that should stop my children from having it. I am not going to force it upon them though, they will learn what they learn at school and then if they wish to go to mass I will take them. If they dont ask, then I wont.

It may be hard for you or others to understand but although I have no desire to go to mass, I still want my children to learn the catholic faith.

I was brought up in a family with traditional old irish catholic roots. There was hell to pay if we missed mass on a sunday. We were brought up to fear doing wrong and wasnt allowed to utter a word during mass. We were taught "no sex before marriage", no gays, no contraception. Well, I did have sex before marriage, I now use contraception and my nephew is gay. So, how does all that fit in then? In a way, I suppose I have rebelled a bit.

Gosh, this is all so confusing now.

Good post seanchai .

Thelmapeace* yes, the preparation is now typically done in the parish. There's a school near me where they do it at school but I think that's unusual.

There's a lot about Catholicism in your posts, but not a lot about God, and your relationship with Him. There's a lot of detail about the proscriptions of your faith, but not really anything else.

God is fearful and wonderful and Almighty, not a petty list-checker

What do your children want? Because if they have faith then it (1st Communion) seems entirely appropriate, but if not, and, Catholic marriage and baptism or not, it doesn't really sound as if yours is an observant household, then I really don't know why you are doing it.

I understand another person's comments about cultural continuity, but I personally find that as a rationale for 1st Communion rather offensive. I wish you all the best with with your decision making.

Seanchai - Thank you for your response. You are totally wrong in thinking I am looking at the FHC as a commercial day. It would be quite the opposite in fact.

I am not "all-show" and have no desire to create a big party out of this. Far from it.

Can I just ask, why do you think you have to go to mass to pray for people, to talk to God? My DH and I do lots of things with our children that are for the benefit of others. We say prayers at night for people we know who are poorly etc. Do we really have to go to mass for this?

I am not trying to be argumentative here, but I am trying to let you know that I dont bring bring my children up telling them that there is no God etc, far from it.

I think a parent needs to provide more leadership on this. I think that to passively wait until your children ask to be taken to Mass is a bit of a cop-out, tbh. So many people stop going to Mass as teenagers, and then later in life start going again and feel they are coming "home". If a child hasn't had the habit of going then there won't be that experience of coming home.

I (and many Catholics) share your difficulties about the Church's teachings on homosexuality and contraception. You might find that by going to Mass, even if you are just going through the motions yourself, you give your children the roots you want to give them and some of your concerns might be addressed. There is more chance of that happening than if you do nothing. One friend of mine expressed is as putting yourself in the way of faith.