to let my dc make their 1st holy communion even though we dont attend mass

[brook1]

DH and I are catholics (although not practicing ones). We married in a catholic church and had our dc christened as catholics and send them to a catholic school.

The school was our choice because of its good reputation rather than being catholic. I am not deeply religious, and there are some elements of the catholic church that I dont agree with (gays,birth control,divorce). I do really wonder why we christened the dc as catholic sometimes. But, as most of my family are strict catholics I kind of felt it was expected of me.

I have nothing against the dc going to church, my parents sometimes take them occassionaly if they stay over on a Saturday night. Personally, I find it boring and think that many people there are just there for show or because they feel they should go rather than that they want to go. I bring my children up to be nice people and to have good values, to be polite and nice to others and I think this is more important.

Anyway, getting back to the point, a relative of mine has recently said that she thinks it is wrong of me to let the dc make their 1st communion seeing as we dont go to mass. I told her that I have nothing against them learning and taking part in religious ceremonies, in particular this one, which is done via the school. Now I know many strict catholics will probably think they should be attending mass, but, when I was at school the teachers used to check on a Monday morning who went to mass the previous day. There is nothing like that anymore, the schools seem more laid back about it.

What do you think? Is it ok to let them make their 1st communion if I dont regularly go to mass?

Also Sean, you say that I should only do this if I think it has value. Well, I'm finding this hard to explain really. I dont think it adds value to me, but I dont think I should deprive the dc of this. What if they suddenly want to start going to church and taking communion when they are older?

Surely I should let them have opportunity to do it. Is it not wrong to deny them this. I know they want to do it because they have talked about it. Do you think I should deny them this opportunity because of my own thoughts?

Rolf, your last post talks much sense. But, I know that if I went to church I would be sat there thinking of other things. Do you really not think that it is enough that the dc go about once a month with my parents?

You sound like a genuine person brook1. You sound like you're trying to do the right thing for you. I hope you don't think that's patronising!

I can pray anywhere, go and help people in tthe community, be a loving person in my own little life.

I suppose its that my life is crazy busy and my head is so full of stuff that it helps to take time out.

I suppose I could do that anywhere, but I think it's like visiting my nan.

If I go round and see her she knows I care. If I visit I asm contributing to our relationship. I'm still looking for meaning and faith and encouragment.

DH says God doesn't need us to care for Him! Suppose he's right, but being friends with someone means you show you're committed to them.

I like what Littlesilver says God isn't a petty list checker. It's all about the relationship. I feel llike I have to put something into that relationship that's more than just beign a nice person. I do like the mystical element of Mass. I like the spiritual more than the out and out religious.

It must have been hard for you with all the rules and regulations, I suffered from that too, but I try to see all that as human beings trying to figure it all out, sometimes people do things for the right reasons but it messes us up.

Maybe you're doing a grand job in God's eyes! Maybe we're too hard on ourselves!

Seanchai

I'm C of E, DH RC and I agreed to DCs being baptised/first communioned as RCs. Does that make me a hypocrite - don't know, but we were in his country when they were baptised and it was important to his parents. Must say though am starting to have serious second thoughts about the Catholic church with all these revelations about priests and child abuse. I am a bit uncomfortable with first communion before confirmation at such a young age and the fact that clearly for some clergy it seems a boon to have all these young children in classes/confession slightly gives me the creeps.

they are going to church with their gp once a month as it is, I think it is good then if they learn about the mass, what it alls means and about the faith generally.

Maybe through your dc's occupation with the faith, you will gain some clarity for yourself about your own.

My dd btw loves the preparation and is so sad that it will come to an end soon. You told me she wishes the class went on forever.

They will off course in prepartion for confession be discussing things like sin, what is a sin, including missing mass from your own fault. It's not a huge thing but you will for instance have to deal with that.

If I were you, with the DC baptised and at a catholic school, and with very strong catholic background, I would go along with what the rest of teh school is doing.

To pull your DC out of what the rest of the class are doing on the basis of what one of your relatives said is not necessary.

If its all being arranged by school I can guarantee that you won't be the only parent who attends mass irregularly, or finds it dull when they go.

There is a cultural aspect to this religion as well as the religious side IYSWIM. Do people really believe that every single person to take 1st holy communion in Ireland or Italy or somewhere like that is doing it from a deep and fervent religious feeling? No many are doing it as it is the done thing. And thus should the OP do it.

Not sure why you'd go through the Holy Communion ritual if you don't attend Mass? My dh is RC, our kids are baptised catholic. Yet we don't go to church, ever, we just don't 'get' catholicism and I'm not even sure why we got the kids baptised tbh - I cannot get my head around certain teachings in the faith so I suppose that's why.

First Holy Communions are a big thing, personally I wouldn't do it unless I was totally committed to the faith. We recently declined invitation to dh's nephew's first communion, as to us it means nothing. Went down dreadfully with dh's family, but hey, least we are true to ourselves.

You refused to go along to see a child who is a relative receive first holy communion?

I am at that TBH.

Do you also refuse to go to weddings held in churches or other places of worship? Baptisms?

Why so shocked, ImsoNotTelling? Holy Communion is not a party, it's a deeply religeous ceremony. Our faith is virtually non-existent at the moment, and tbh I find there's so much hypocrisy attached to things like Holy Communion, I'd rather be true to ourselves and not attend. My bil openly admits that the reason they go to Mass is to get their children in at the local, over-subscribed catholic school. But that's a whole other debate!

well you have to know how you feel.

A funeral is also a deeply religious ceremony and yet I attend funerals (thankfully not that often) of people who belonged to faiths other than my own to show respect and support for the bereaved.

I don't feel I am not being true to myself though.

When I lived in Morocco I attended the wedding of a Muslim couple who were students of mine. I don't believe in their faith but I still didn't feel untrue to myself. I wasn't pretending to be a Muslim IYSWIM. I can still be supportive of their marriage.

In your shoes I would have attended the FHC of your nephew but ok each his own

Because if a family invite other family members along to share in a significant day for one of their children, it is usually courteous to go along.

And what is this "it's not a party"? It is usual to have everyone back and celebrate after first holy communion, that's called a party where i come from. Ditto baptisms and other big events. Or maybe you think when babies are baptised people should convene at the church, attend the ceremony in solemn contemplation, and then all go home.

It seems to me that you are missing some of the point of all of this. These events are more than a marker in the growth of a childs religious life, they are a marker of the passing of time, an opportunity for families to get together, and they are a celebration, of course they are.

I guess they can always say to their kids "yes so and so couldn't be here because they think this is a crock of shite" or "well absolutely they won't come as it's against their principles, they probably won't come to your wedding either".

Do you go to weddings held in churches and other places of worship?

I am still TBH. Would it really have killed you to go and support this relative, who is after all only a child?

Another one shocked at the poster who refused to attend her relatives holy communion day

I think it is very rigid thinking if you can't go to someone else's special day because you don't believe in it. I think that you could unbend slightly and be happy for them and support them. It isn't about you.

I too am a bit shocked at not attending a FHC of a relative on that basis, but, its your choice.

I am the OP, and I would also like to add (going back to my original question), that my parents and family would be so proud to see my dc make their FHC and I know they would be extremely upset if I didnt let them do it. To be honest, it was never a question of not letting them do this, I was asking if I was unreasonable to do so seeing as we dont regularly go to mass.

There generally seems to be a mix of opinions on here. Thank you especially to the ones who obviously understand my thoughts on this, even though they may not agree, you have given me some good advice and lots to think about.

"But at least we were true to ourselves"

But the day wasn't about you. And by attending you would not have been being hypocritical.

I was educated in a Christian school, and I attended all manner of Christian ceremonies. I remember them with affection. At twelve I decided I did not believe in Christianity and refused to take part in the Christmas carol service we used to go to (my family were once a year Christians).

My family respected this.

If your child wishes to attend this service then you should respect her spiritual wishes. Later in life, if she continues to believe, she may resent not having been able to participate in this important ceremony. If she doesn't, then she will at least be able to appreciate that you respected her wishes, and understand that the mumbo jumbo she endured was basically harmless.