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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt and let down by a friend

33 replies

uggmum · 26/03/2010 16:20

In October I became ill, I was unwell at home for 3 weeks and became really ill. Eventually my Doctor came & called an ambulance and I was in hospital for 3 weeks with a serious infection. Since then I have had an operation and recovered. I have one particular friend who always professes to be my best friend, I would do anything for her. However, she did not visit me in hospital at all, she called a few times but thats about it. she cited that she was so busy she "didnt have time to wipe her own arse"
You really find out who your friends are when the chips are down.
Since then I have really struggled to maintain our friendship, I am usually a really forgiving person but this has really hurt my feelings I just can't get past it. I don't want to confront her as she can be a bit aggressive/direct (verbally). Our dcs are in the same class at school and I don't want an atmosphere at the school gate
I find that its on my mind alot and makes me really angry, I usually rant a bit and eventually calm down. I feel stuck in this friendship but the bottom line is I am upset.
Any Advice ?

OP posts:

Tinykins · 26/03/2010 16:40

She sounds quite thoughtless and selfish. Do you really want her as a friend? Maybe this is a sign that you should move on from her..

amber1979 · 26/03/2010 16:41

It depends what was keeping her so busy.

thesecondcoming · 26/03/2010 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lulumaam · 26/03/2010 17:31

if it is preying on your mind so much, say something..

if she is aggressive, then you walk away, sounds like things are on the skids anyway

some people do hate or have a phobia of hospitals and could not set foot in one

i think you should talk to her though, might find out a perfectly acceptable reason she did not visit

i know ere we are , hospital visiting hours are between 3 and 4, so during school run time or 7 - 8, so i prsonally would need a baby sitter most nights as DH works late 4 - 5 nights a week, so would really struggle

GibbonInARibbon · 26/03/2010 17:33

What Lulu said.

rubyslippers · 26/03/2010 17:37

i agree with Lulu

my BF is due to give birth and if she stays in for any reason it is unlikely i would be able to see her because i couldn't get childcare

wouldn't mean i didn't care

Bathsheba · 26/03/2010 17:42

I was similarly really ill at about the same time as you (excpet I didn;t manage to get muyself admitted to hosptial although subsequently everyone says I should have been).

I had some friends who were very fabulous in practical ways - bringing meals round etc.

Some friends didn't.

I don;t hold it against any of my friends who didn't.

I also agree very much with Lulu - Hospital visiting times can be very difficult for many people - as can getting there, parking etc etc.

Try and let it go if this is a friendship you want to maintain.

groundhogs · 26/03/2010 17:48

Hmm, agree with all the above, she could have a phobia, it could have been impossible with childcare etc, but surely she would have said that?

TBH, if you truly valued your friendship and don't want to lose it, then you are going to have to have a very gentle sit down with her.

Along the lines of I know you said you were busy, but it really hurt that you didn't try and visit me. I'm sure you didn't intend that to happen, but I need to tell you how it made me feel.

I was hospital phobic and did faint at the merest whiff of their disinfectant smell, before DS was born. Now I think I'm OK, can just about handle a short period of time without bursting into tears, throwing up, passing out or a combination of all three...

If you were my BF, and if I thought I couldn't handle it, I'd tell you I just can't visit in hospital and why, if it were a childcare issue again I'd tell you and in both cases, I'd make damned sure I was there for you when you got out.

Simply saying I've been too busy to wipe my own arse is not a good enough excuse imho.

Original poster

uggmum · 26/03/2010 18:00

Thanks everyone x
in response, she is fine with hospitals, lives 1 mile away and her dp is home everynight.
She also spoke to 5 mutual friends during my stay and didn't even mention it to them. They were quite shocked by this.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 26/03/2010 18:03

Tbh sounds like you dont need that type of person as a friend and need to distance herself. Does not sound like much of a friend to me. Yes you really know who your 'real' friends are in a crisis not the fake friends who run off at the first sign.

thesecondcoming · 26/03/2010 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lulumaam · 26/03/2010 18:22

TSC, even if the OP is a drama queen, i think being ill for 3 weeks then blue lighted off to hpspital and admitted for 3 weeks is a real drama and she would expect support and consideration

Coldhands · 26/03/2010 18:23

What about when you were at home? Did she come to see you at all or anything?

I had this when I got ill with M.E. I was working full time and had various 'friends' (so I thought). I was still working, reduced to part time and eventually signed off sick. In the meantime I got married and a couple were my bridesmaids and they organised my hen night etc. It really opened my eyes to see that not one of them was a true friend at all. I had been there for them for various reasons and made time for them but when it was the other way around, I got fuck all in return.

Now I have made lovely new friends after starting all over again with going to toddler groups and they showed me on our night out last week that they are true friends.

If you give and give and get sod all back then it isn't a real friendship and you may just want to gradually distance yourself. This is what I do, I can't do confrontation at all.

thesecondcoming · 26/03/2010 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

groundhogs · 26/03/2010 18:27

Ah well then uggmum, I rather think this is a case of you thinking she's your best friend, but you don't seem to be hers.

Gah, horrible to realise that. I feel for you!

It doesn't seem to be an even sided friendship, distance yourself and let it die.

radstar · 26/03/2010 18:55

In response to the poster that said "could the op be a drama queen", could it be the other way round ie she doesn't want to know when someone else is centre of attention. I know someone who is like this, everytime an acquaintance of theirs is ill or has a crisis she has it ten times worse. I wonder because it does seem odd that she didn't mention her illness to other mutual friends.

Again not saying this is the case just another perspective for you to view it in, either way it is no excuse. She isn't as good a friend as you thought and perhaps it is time to distance yourself.

junglist1 · 26/03/2010 19:02

Good point radstar.
She's not a friend, you can mentally block her while keeping the childrens friendship going. Be civil, but don't confide in her or go out of your way for her

ConnorTraceptive · 26/03/2010 19:11

Have actually found myself in a very similar situation recently except this particular "friend" didn't even send so much as a text message. It's really showed where we are as friends now and it does hurt.

For lots of reasons I have no choice about maintaining contact so for myself and other people I don't want an arguement or confrontation about it. Like junglist1 suggests I've emotionally cut her off now, I will continue to be polite and hold conversation when our paths cross but I will not actively seek her out or invest an time in her any longer.

AnnieLobeseder · 26/03/2010 19:15

In different circumstances (on another pareting forum) I found out that the person I considered to be my best friend labelled me as "just an old friend". It broke my heart into a million pieces. But I realised that was my problem, not hers, she didn't actually do anything wrong. So eventually I got over it, now I look on her as just another good friend, and I think that now the 'neediness' has gone from my side, our friendship is actually better.

Myabe just keep your distance for while, allow yourself to grieve, then continue the friendship on a new level.

LunaticFringe · 26/03/2010 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thesecondcoming · 26/03/2010 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleSilver · 26/03/2010 22:47

I do sympathise.

FWIW, someone I felt was a very close friend dropped me when I moved just a few miles outside the town. She didn't send a card when I had my baby and only visited after I burst into tears to a mutual friend. I was terribly hurt by this, but then my DH pointed out that she didn't seem to have (m)any close friends or ever put the effort in. I didn't have it out with her, I just broke off contact. It's actually not been a huge loss.

Lunatic, I am very sorry for your loss.

MollieO · 26/03/2010 23:00

Lunatic, how absolutely awful .

I had a best friend for 20 years whom I supported through various ups and downs in her life with little in return (only realised that on reflection). I then went through a traumatic incident and nearly died. It changed my life forever and 5 yrs on there isn't a day that goes past that I don't think about what happened.

A month after the incident my 'best friend' told me to 'get over it'. Two years seeing a clinical psychologist helped me to move on but I cut the friendship immediately following that comment. Sad as in one fell swoop ds lost two godparents (her and her husband). Sad also because I felt (and still feel) that I wasted a lot of energy on our friendship that I wish I hadn't bothered.

wukter · 26/03/2010 23:04

I feel for you Uggmum.

The bit that stand out for me i s that she's verbally aggressive, if you were "in tune" with her you wouldn't describe it as such. She'd be "straightforwarde" or "honest". Seems like she is a bit me-me-me.

If that's the case I'd let it lie, and be school gate friends for the sake of the dc's.

ljgibbs · 26/03/2010 23:35

Well I don't "do" hospitals either. But when my friend was in hospital, I made sure I sent text messages daily and spoke to her dh every day.
So either you're what she considers a drama queen or she's not really a friend.

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