to be unable to forgive my partner and put up with MIL?

[Cantthinkofaname1]

my baby is 10 months old.i had a very long labour, followed by an emergency c section. he was taken away and put in special care 12 hours after delivery, then moved to different hospital 2 days later, i was discharged next day to be with him, so wasnt really cared for myself. it was awful, plus the after care i got for those 2 days was totally shocking (couldnt get water/ pain meds, blood all over the hospital toilets, nurses wouldnt take me to see my baby...the list goes on) in the end, after 5 days, we were allowed to bring our baby home, and he has thrived since. i had trouble bonding and was freaked out when my partner went back to work after a week as a family at home, i really wanted him to take a few more days off (he could afford it but refused, which im angry about). he came home from his 1st day at work and i was in a bit of a state (tho i calmed down after a bit of a blub) and he suggested his mother come and look after us. i resisted (she lives in NZ so its expensive/ intrusive/ i hardly know her) but he was very pushy, then started saying that he needs support too, so i said ok. by the time she arrived the next week i was coping really well. she was emotionally unstable, needy, rude and prone to angry outbursts. i swear i was not rude to her, but she told my partner i was. the pair of them basically ganged up on me and put me through hell for 2 weeks, i ended up walking the streets 3 wks after c-section to get some space and not be critised/ bullied by her. He was furious with me for upsetting her. this is probably the only time in 5 years i feel let down by him, he is in every other respect an amazing partner, but i just cant seem to get over this. she came to stay again later that summer and had a couple of outbursts, but was better. she is coming againfor 2wks this summer and i am dreading it. he wont discuss a hotel. she has always been prone to mood swings, her family tend to ignore it. i feel really frightened when she kicks off, and dont see why i should be expected to deal with it. we have talked and talked but he cant see my point of view, and i feel so deeply betrayed i dont want to have sex (altho still BF and getting broken nights) and feel angry with him constantly. its making me myserable. desperate for a way forward as im scared this will eventually push us apart.

although you shouldn't have to do this, why don't you go stay in a nice hotel for the 2 weeks she's here?
maybe the act of moving away when she comes over will make a bigger impact on your DP than just talking about it.
Its not fair to be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home, and i probably would have murdered her when she came over when you had just had a baby.

Tell your DP that while he is furious about you ' allegedly ' upseting his mother, you are furious that he is putting your happiness aside so he can pander to his mother, who clearly from the sounds of it has a big problem.

he needs to realise that if he wants to keep his family unit together he needs to start listing to you and accpeting/respecting what you say and how you feel. and to some extent put his mothers unreasonable emotions aside.

how would he feel if you invited someone he hardly knows over to bully you and be althogether a pain in the arse.
i suspect he would be raging to.

I would probably of left by now, espcially if he hadn't listend to my worries at all and ignored my plea to put her in a hotel.

It's your home, you should not have anyone in it who makes you feel horrible. Tell your husband she is not staying. He needs to get his priorities sorted.

I reckon the way to go is to say OK she can come, but I don't want you to pretend that her mood swings are in any way normal . And then see if you can just detach emotionally while she is with you and not let her get to you, because at the moment she is a red rag to a bull and reacting to her could well cause damage to your relationship with DH.

Detach - not necessarily physically but certainly emotionally, and treat her with civility but don't pander to her.

This is all easier said than done but if you let this fester it could all blow up.

If you can't change the circumstances, then change the way you allow them to affect you is what I am trying to say. It doesn't mean that your feeling are unimportant - just that you don't allow her (and him) to make you into a victim. Rise above her as it were.

TBH this would be a deal breaker for me.

Very very wrong that you were bullied in your own home and your dh facilitated it. Not sure I could stay married to such a person.

Not sure that I could put up with mil, or my mum, staying with us. A hotel would be the only option and I would expect dh to agree with me on this.

It comes across that your dh doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

YOu have just had a baby - huge stress.

But

She lives in NZ - you are not going to be seeing much of her - can you not grit your teeth while she is here - it is his mother and it seems wrong to bar her from seeing her grandchild, even if she is emotionally unstable.

I would advise against turning this into a deal breaker - your DH needs to understand that family dynamics have changed now, and for him to admit that would be good. And he needs to. But I think if she is coming from NZ it looks petty to make her stay in a hotel.

Rising about it is not the same as backing down and being bullied. It means you empower yourself by deciding how you let her affect you. Don't ALLOW yourself to be bullied. That surely is the way forward - not a ban on her presence in the house.

Sorry - "rising above it" not "rising about it"

Have you got family near by that you could stay with while mil is at your home? It's a bit ridiculous for you to be driven out of your own home but at least, if it is an option, then it could be a bargaining tool with your dh - either mil stays elsewhere or you do.
I hated my ex's mother. She was nasty to me when my he was not there. He didn't understand because he was at work the majority of the time and didn't have to put up with her. It was one of the things that split us up in the end (after 4 years). He was just never going to take my side over hers.

I hope you can work something out.

Your dh needs to understand what has happened and his role in all of this, and how he has made you feel.

Have you considered couples counselling? You need a chance to say all of this to him and he has to listen to you.

I banned my MILs presence in my house. (after she tried to ban me ever seeing my family again )
That said, if she was in NZ (mine) rather than 8km up the road, I could probably put up with her once a year or so.

What is important is that you feel supported by your husband....mine has a relationship with his mother and takes dd to her house, I just stay away. When she has done her mentalist tricks he supports me totally (like when she told my headmistress I was a prostitute) You were probably feeling doubly battered at the time as you'd had a traumatic birth experience you were only just getting over. Might it be that you are stronger yourself now, and will be able to deal with it? I remember when I first cut MIL out of my life I would dread the phone ringing or the bell going and it would be her...now I just think, yes, and if she ever dare, I am ready for her. Make sure you surround yourself with friends, maybe your family if possible during her visit.....

It is his house also so I think he does have the "right" to have his mother to stay.

That said, if he won´t stand up to her I don´t see how you can get him to see "your side".

I agree try the being civil only approach.

You need a break & to be taken care of - not to have to put up with this.

If she's coming to stay your dh should be there the whole time so you're not in the frontline.

Meet each other half way - she stays so he stays as well.

why should you move out?

Is there a reason that your Mum/parents didnt come to help you when you had your baby? Imagine the uproar if your husband had to put up with someone in his house whom he thought was scary? I bet the situation would change then?

I think that Bucharest has a good idea there. If you can have other people popping in, or you can all go out to meet others over the two weeks it may dilute her a bit and she'll hopefully 'behave' herself better. Worth a go!

Or you could set up covert surveillance in your house, film her shocking behaviour and show your DH just how bad it is

Seriously though, I think that the other posters who suggest counselling have a very good point. You are obviously still very rightly angry at her first visit and the support your husband gave you after your DC was born. You really need to work through that and get it all out of your system or it will always be festering under the surface. Your DH needs to realise that you and your child are his family-focus and main priority now, and your MIL needs to realise that too. Good luck!

I don't think you should move out when she comes to stay as that will only give her the impression that she is allowed to take over your house.

Your dh needs to be fully supportive of you so that your mil isn't allowed to bully you. You really need to talk to him, and if he won't listen or understand then I suggest marriage therapy.

Have you looked at the birth trauma website? Your experience does sound a bit of a nightmare, and it might help if someone can listen to your feelings about it, and maybe even write a letter to the hospital regarding cleanliness and the way you were treated.

Oh, god, you poor thing.
Back to basics - you have been understandably traumatised by the birth of your baby, and it might help to spend some time sorting that out with your DH first. You had a terrible , terrible time, and you sund as if you are stillliving with it. He must have also had a terrible time but it was pretty bad to side against you.

Would you consider some counselling with your DH to tra and talk this out? You clearly have a strong relationship, but this is undermning both of you - not just the mother, the aftermath of the birth, and everything.

Once you have done that you may feel stronger about having his mother around - and he may be more understanding and sensitive. Though ILs are often a flash point in couples, esp after the birth of a child.

My MIL lives a long way away, and it's part and parcel of having a DP from another ocuntry that I have to endure her horrendous visits, it's one of those things about being a family.

But for you it is compicated by the events of the newborn phase, and what happened betweenyou and your DH. if oy sort that out, you may find that a solutio to her forthcoming visit emerges - either you feel more 'meh' about her potential attacks, or your DH understands how badly she behaves and agrees she stay elsewhere!!

I would tell your DH that until he admits his mum has issues with anger and mood swings she isn't welcome in your house.

I wouldn't discuss the issue of being let down by your DH, after the birth of your baby, at the same time as talking about your MIL. I think they are two separate ,which although are linked by being let down by your DH, would be best dealt with separately.

he has recently been more open about acknowledging her anger prob, but he is desperate too keep the peace with her and therefore unable to deal with her in an objective way. i will plan to be busy and have people about when she is here, but emotionally i dont know how to get past his behaviour. i know its hard for him too, but in spite of all the lovely things we have i feel rage towards him. have been in councilling for years due to my own family disfunction, doubt he would come (have asked him in the past). the relationship is 99% great so dont want to loose that
i have looked at the birth trauma site, did make me feel bit better, when MIL arrived the first time she said i should be over it by now (3 weeks after birth) and DP said she had a point, i tghink i ought to try seperating the issues and do the hospital complaint, just feels overwhelming

Show DP the birth trauma website?

Well, he should be there at home with you for the full duration of her stay. He should get his head out of the sand and face up to mils moods and deal with them instead of pretending they don't exist. And you and ds need his support, lets face it, it will be miserable if you are on edge all the time and ds will pick up on it and be unsettled. Lay your cards on the table and tell dp that you are afraid of this woman sometimes, and of what she might do.

Too many men swan off to work leaving their partners to cope with their demanding parents most of the time, just because they are at home anyway.

But do get help for the separate issue of your ds birth and the aftermath. A lot of men just don't 'get' the fact that a caesarean is a major operation in itelf. They have no inkling of the complex emotions linked to giving birth, even one with no complications. All he saw was your physical recovery, and thought that everything was O.K. He needed support after the birth too you said in your post, but without considering whether his mother was the best person to ask. He was able to ignore her moods, but then he didn't think whether you could. And he went to work leaving you and the baby with his mother having copped out of staying with you and baby at home before she even got there. I think you need counselling as a couple for this before the resentment really damages your marriage. (I think mil needs psychiatric help, but that is another issue!)

dp has seen the website, thinks im 'dwelling' i think. want him to stay home during her stay but he has limited leave from work
aaaaahhhhh!

its so nice to be able to talk about it

I really really sympathise, it sounds like a truly terrible time.

I wouldn't leave your house for the duration of the visit BUT please don't put up with any anger outbursts from your MIL. As soon as she starts, perhaps you could either take your child out for a walk or at least go upstairs. Give her the message you refuse to either engage with that behaviour or pretend it is not happening. I would tell your DH that this is what you are going to do and he should back you up in that at least.

It's not your fault if she's not happy, nor your DH's, and he needs to acknowledge this. He's probably had years of ingrained thinking to the opposite effect, unfortunately. Do you think that he may unconsciously be blaming you for his mother's behaviour on the previous visits?

From what you've said he won't want to talk about that but if some key tactics and points could be agreed beforehand you'll both be able to manage the visit much better

Its a tough one because evidently his attitude to any emotional difficulty is to declare that it doesn't exist...

Dh is, I hope, taking time off work to be with his mother and got lots of site-seeing planned?

Definitely have lots of family and friends over or go to them to dilute her presence.

You will be stronger though this time and wise to her tricks. And keep disengaging, just keep thinking "soon you'll be gone to the other side of the world, mwah ha ha."

And if/when she explodes a bit of emotional blackmail wouldn't go amiss, "Oh ds, did she frighten you with her shouting, no don't get upset" - passive aggression coming right back at ya.