Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be not very keen on giving up my office space for dsd?

46 replies

issysmilkbottle · 25/03/2010 23:14

ok, before i get flamed, i love my dsd and would do anything for her but this is niggling me a bit....

i have been with dh for 4 years, i have a ds who is 10 and dsd is 15, when she came to visit she would have the top bunk in ds's room and there was no problems as she goes to bed much kater and ds gets up early and goes downstairs but i know its not ideal. Dsd has started socialising more with her friends so doesnt come down as often as before and we tend to see her more for the odd day.... We also have a dd together who is now 17 weeks... We live in a small 2 bed house and i am in a fully funded phd so the equivalent of a full time job but i can fit my hours when i like and work from home for considerable chunks of time...

We are in the process of moving to a 3 bed house that has another room for me to have as an office so that i can do my phd at home more to look after dd and fit around dhs shifts without needing to leave the house at odd hours. We have decided to put a bed for dsd in dds room for when she does visit and on occasion dd will come in with us i guess to give dsd space - i'm not totally happy about this as it will disrupt dds bedtime routines but once in a while will be ok...

Dh has got it into his head that dsd will come and live with us when she has done her gcses to do her a levels or eqquivalent, i'm not sure she will, but feel uneasy because dh keeps telling dsd that when she does we'll convert my office to a bedroom for her... I wont have finished my phd, in fact will be in the last 6 months writing up stage and very stressed and will really need my office, so told dh that she cant have the room until i finish and then although it will be a pain in regards to my other work i am willing to do it as she'd be off to uni after 2 years hopefully... Problem is i feel really peeved about this.... I need the space to work and feel my needs are disregarded...aibu?

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/03/2010 23:17

Perfectly reasonable to say not until you've finished the write up. But it is reasonable for your husband to want his daughter to come live with him, and if she does then she will need the space on her own, she can't share with your younger children fulltime. It's easier to find another working space than another bedroom, so if she does come to live with you, I think her need for a bed trumps yours for a desk.

But I wouldn't worry about it too much. It may well never happen.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 25/03/2010 23:20

YANBU. You are doing a PhD, your office is your workplace. I would be majorly pissed off.

bumpybecky · 25/03/2010 23:21

yanbu to want an office/study area at home to write up your PhD, especially towards the end whenever that might be. Do not commit to an timescales - speaking from experience here! I finished mine during pregnancy and after the birth of dd2 and everything took much longer than expected.

how clearly have you said all of this to DH? he shouldn't be making plans for DSD regarding this space

Amandoh · 25/03/2010 23:23

Did your DP agree that the extra room would be an office for you or did you just assume it would?

You're not happy about DDs routines being disrupted but niether are you happy for her to have her own room.

Would your DP mind her having a sofa bed in the office?

I don't think you're being unreasonable though to want your own space I just think you might have to make some sacrifices for a while.

Original poster

issysmilkbottle · 25/03/2010 23:25

i know she needs a bed and i have always said she can live with us it just feels that my new office is being taken away from me before i even get it properly!

I will give it up and i will make it a fab room for her if she does come, just feel like having a winge i guess... I know the best place for her is with us to motivate her too, wish i'd gotten her years ago!

OP posts:

LauraIngallsWilder · 25/03/2010 23:26

I understand how you feel!

Could you possibly have an office space under the stairs? In my current house (am about to move) I have a bureau, bookcase, printer etc under the stairs and it works really well! DAB radio installed for under the stairs Radio 4 listening!

No it isnt ideal and no it isnt a separate room but it can and does work for me!

Tryharder · 25/03/2010 23:26

I can see that you want your writing space. But, imagine if it were your DD and your husband said she couldn't come and live with you as he wanted the proposed room for his own study. I fear Mumsnet would be in uproar!

She is his daughter. If she comes to live with you, then I think you will just have to suck it up. Can't you put a desk and computer in your bedroom or section off a bit of the living room?

lilacclaire · 25/03/2010 23:28

Or could your dd and her share a room, letting her know its on a temporary basis until your phd is finished?
Then you can both decorate it together..

Original poster

issysmilkbottle · 25/03/2010 23:31

it was dhs idea that it becomes my office so that i can work more at home with dd and not have extra stress, otherwise it would be a dining room.

Not having a sofa bed in there, i need 24/7 access and will be working into the small hours, dsd also likes to stay in bed intil lunchtime onwards so cant share the office like that... I've already agreed to an extra desk in there for homework time and for dh to do his nvq work but have made it clear i need peace and space so may kick them out!

OP posts:

tiredfeet · 25/03/2010 23:37

I don't blame you for wanting the peace and quiet, it would be very hard writing a phd without somewhere quiet to work undisturbed whenever you need to.

I agree though that maybe there could be other solutions? For instance, my brother has had a shed put in their backgarden, very well made etc and with big windows, and it has made a fantastic office for him and didn't cost very much at all.

it needs to be a nice relaxed atmosphere for dsd too, so I do think it makes sense to worry now so you have a solution ready so that if she decides to come and stay you can just be pleased

Original poster

issysmilkbottle · 25/03/2010 23:37

i cant work in the bedroom as dh works shifts and often in bed during day and i need to work all hours...

No space under the stairs...

It may be that if dsd comes here dd moves in with us and once phd done she can have that room and dd have hers back...

This also affects whether we have another dc too, a young one would share with dd but who knows if dsd comes...All very comlicated for just a two year stay between gcses and uni! but then we dont know what would happen if dsd didnt go to uni!

OP posts:

Original poster

issysmilkbottle · 25/03/2010 23:42

the shed office would be ideal but we are in rented accomodation plus the cost on top of the extra for dsd would be prohibitive.... mmmm. Oh well, thank you everyone for advice and comments xx

OP posts:

tiredfeet · 25/03/2010 23:48

ah, sorry then, not much use. I hope you do manage to figure out a solution, and good luck with phd!

zipzap · 26/03/2010 00:46

Are you currently looking for the 3 bed house or are have you got one lined up? Sorry, not sure from the post.

Could you instead look for a 4 bed house or a different layout of a 3 bed house that would have the space for you to have - if not a full office - then at least a dedicated and reasonably quiet area?

I know it's more money but maybe even discussing it with your dh as if you are completely serious about it will make him realise that your needs are important too.

Or you could suggest to him that he could sleep in your dsd's bedroom during the day and you could have your office in your bedroom to work in during the day while she is at school and see what he makes of that if he is the one that is being put out by the solution suggested to the problem!

Original poster

issysmilkbottle · 26/03/2010 07:53

we are in process of moving across at the moment, same landlord so we've got a week or so to do it and we can only just afford a 3 bed so a 4 bed is not an option tbh....

Good idea re dh but dont think it would work, he'd only say yes and then when it comes down to it would moan like mad and tell be iabu...

Oh well, lets see what happens anyway!

OP posts:

MuffinToptheMule · 26/03/2010 08:22

How are the sleeping arrangements going to work.

Bedroom one = you and Dp

Bedroom 2 = ds

bedroom 3 = dd

Or are dd and ds going to share?

RealityIsWalking100K · 26/03/2010 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bubblagirl · 26/03/2010 08:31

could dining area double as an office smaller table or fold out table that can easily be pulled out to eat and dropped back down again leaving room for you to work you would need to be near children anywhere so would be ideal if dh is asleep and you still have youngest dd you can be down stairs with her no extra noise etc in day and once all asleep would be quiet too

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 26/03/2010 08:32

I know it's not ideal and there may be no space to have one but we were thinking about a caravan for DH to work in for a bit though in the end we converted the garage.

Original poster

issysmilkbottle · 26/03/2010 09:03

ooh good idea about caravan.... i will keep that in mind!

OP posts:

Hullygully · 26/03/2010 09:08

She may or may not come. Don't worry about it now, and then if it looks like she definitely is, look about for a larger rental at that time. You could find something larger for equivalent money in a different area perhaps?

I wouldn't give up my office either btw.

Xenia · 26/03/2010 09:49

If people can't afford big enough houses and their first family perhaps they shouldn't have a second family. The first family always seems to suffer. He should have picked a new partner who could afford a big house may be. It's not this poor teenage girl's fault. Also I've 3 at university stage. Plenty stay home at that stage and those that don't are often at home for 50% of the year = depends on the child and hgue numbers return home after university. You might have her as part of your household for the next 10 years. Now with my older ones I think that's brilliant because they are my blood children and they are ready made babysitters for the younger chidlren (their full siblings). Couldn't you see it as that - think of the nights you can go out with your husband whilst she babysits all the littles ones including the next one you have? But because she's not your blood child you don't feel the same way about her and want a room to work in.

You and your other half are not speaking properly together about this - nothings should have been said to this poor teenage girl until you and he had everything agreed and he's an idiot to suggest she can have a room when it's not cleared by you or is it because he works and you rely on him for money that he has the power to determine those things?

notsoteenagemum · 26/03/2010 10:11

Why don't you keep you dd in with you and let the two older ones have their own bedroom? Then you can keep your office until you'r phd is finished by which time dd will probably need her own space anyway.
Babies don't need their own rooms as much as teenagers. I know it's not ideal when you'r dh works shifts but it's not the end of the world.
Ds shared with us for just over a year until we could afford to move because he was a terrible sleeper and dd needed her sleep for school.

fernie3 · 26/03/2010 11:15

if she is just visiting then I see no need to give up your office BUT if she does decided to come and live with you (and that is her right surely?) then you would be unreasonable not to allow her and give up the office, she would still be in full time education and so still need to be housed etc by her father.
I know how hard it is to be that daughter because my father sent me to live in the attic (no it wasnt converted ) at the say so of my step mother - dont turn into that woman!

girlywhirly · 26/03/2010 13:32

But this is still just a possibility and not a certainty?

I'm wondering why a 16yo would want to live in a house with small noisy children while studying for A levels, plus all the other limitations on music levels, entertaining friends, privacy, being woken a dawn by toodlers etc. Maybe this is just wishful thinking on dh's behalf, wanting his children altogether? Has dsd ever said she would like to live at your home?

I think that as she's already staying a bit less than she used to (due to social commitments) it's unlikely she'll come to live, unless there's a big bust-up with mum or she gets into a college near you to do the A levels.

Worry about it if it happens.

Flip

1 2