to be not very keen on giving up my office space for dsd?

[issysmilkbottle]

ok, before i get flamed, i love my dsd and would do anything for her but this is niggling me a bit....

i have been with dh for 4 years, i have a ds who is 10 and dsd is 15, when she came to visit she would have the top bunk in ds's room and there was no problems as she goes to bed much kater and ds gets up early and goes downstairs but i know its not ideal. Dsd has started socialising more with her friends so doesnt come down as often as before and we tend to see her more for the odd day.... We also have a dd together who is now 17 weeks... We live in a small 2 bed house and i am in a fully funded phd so the equivalent of a full time job but i can fit my hours when i like and work from home for considerable chunks of time...

We are in the process of moving to a 3 bed house that has another room for me to have as an office so that i can do my phd at home more to look after dd and fit around dhs shifts without needing to leave the house at odd hours. We have decided to put a bed for dsd in dds room for when she does visit and on occasion dd will come in with us i guess to give dsd space - i'm not totally happy about this as it will disrupt dds bedtime routines but once in a while will be ok...

Dh has got it into his head that dsd will come and live with us when she has done her gcses to do her a levels or eqquivalent, i'm not sure she will, but feel uneasy because dh keeps telling dsd that when she does we'll convert my office to a bedroom for her... I wont have finished my phd, in fact will be in the last 6 months writing up stage and very stressed and will really need my office, so told dh that she cant have the room until i finish and then although it will be a pain in regards to my other work i am willing to do it as she'd be off to uni after 2 years hopefully... Problem is i feel really peeved about this.... I need the space to work and feel my needs are disregarded...aibu?

dsd currently lives in a very quiet place and we live in a university city which she likes and has said to her dad she'd like to live here too but i think she'll find it hard without her friends, she's very shy and her friends would be an hour and a half away. I'd love her with us but we dont have much space but i will do what we need to do to make her welcome here.

For what its worth, i earn more than dh and have potential to earn alot more, he moved in with me whilst on incapacity benefit with just a car full of belongings, he cant drive and so i pick up and drop off dsd for access and book all our trips away as a family, buy her clothes, take her for coffee, to get her first bra, open her first bank account and pay pocket money etc and so it is not a case of her suffering because her dad didnt get a partner who could afford a bigger house - not a helpful comment tbh and i am sure there are plenty of people in similar situations, are you saying we shouldnt have second families?

you can't decide that you haven't got room for one of your children because you'd rather have an office. Would you do that to your child?

He doesn't sound like much of a good choice of husband then... ill, cannot work, already had a family, earns little, suggests things to his daughter before discussing with you. I hope he's brilliant at other things to make up.

I do think men shouldn't go off and have second families unless they can keep the first family to the same standard it would have lived in if the parents hadn't decided to destroy the lives of the children for the first family by splitting up.

yes i would be the same about my own children. I have a choice of working around my dh's shifts (he has a fabulous caring job and is fab at it) so that we can provide personal care for all the children rather than putting them into childcare fulltime which would also mean we'd have to rent somewhere even smaller, we cant move towns due to our work and the cheapest 3 bed rent is £900-1000 here.

Dsd's mum created her own second family first and this has greatly affected dsd, she is often left in her room for hours, ignored, not encouraged to do activities or socialise. Its only since becoming part of my family has she learnt to use a train, try martial arts, swimming etc....so how has dh creating a second family been to her detriment?

My phd is essential to me continuing in my career, one that i can fit around the fanily and so i need to complete it, the other options would have a serious negative impact on the families income and accomodation... That is why i need an office and if need be i would not give it up for one of my dc either, blood does not make a family....

Uh-oh, this thread is going to kick off isn't it?

Xenia, think you may be being a tad harsh here. Her choice of DH is exactly that, her choice, she's not moaning about him persay, nor dsd either.

Perhaps the fact that she is dsd is relevant, and perhaps if it was dd, she'd be possibly more willing to compromise on space.. but that's a rather large perhaps. Everything else OP has said about dsd is not overly critical.

I do agree though that this is a situation that needs to be discussed and agreed with DH exclusively and nothing promised to dsd until you are in total agreement.

Issy You do need to focus on the write up, to the exclusion of practically everything else. Once that is out of the way, then you can be asked to look at relinquishing your workspace.

Ok - if you would be the same about your children, move your two biological children in together. This is more reasonable than expecting a teenager to share with a baby, as your son is closer in age to your baby than your SD is.

xpost issy

To ne honest I think giving your DSD equal space and consideration in her father's house is far more important than your PhD to be honest.

Imagine this the other way - your son wanted to go and stay with his father and his stepmum was reluctant to give him equal space to her children.

I think in reality you should give up your idea for an office and make yourself a work corner elsewhere in the house. After all an office is a luxury, a bedroom for one of your children is essential.

To be honest I think that the fact you are the major breadwinner of the family is colouring your thoughts on this.

agree getof

put a desk in your room and stop being selfish

You know that your funds are restricted to a 3 bedroom house.

However you are willing to squeeze 2 adults and 3 children somehow in 3 rooms, and have the luxury of your own office in what is a much valued and needed 3rd bedroom.

Do what everyone else who do not have the bonus of a home office does - work in the kitchen or in the sitting room and block out the family noise (how I did my MEng).

Agree MamaG - selfish OP.

Xenia you dont mince your words do you!

I think a caravan is a fab idea

Xenia, aren't you separated?

Whichever, the children will have to share anyway. How long are you anticipating finishing your PHD? It's only temporary so you will only need an office temporarily. Once you've finished it will be to the benefit of the whole family no doubt. I can't see how that is selfish. Just talk to your DH and go over the logistics and then put them in
place IF your DSD should move in.

for the record, my 'office' is what would be the dining room, not one of the three beds upstairs, we would make it a 4th bedroom once my phd is finished and the earliest dsd would come and live here is in a years time, when i have apprix 6 months left.... What is worrying me is having to pack up everything and relocate in my most stressful period. I suggested that dd comes in with us for six months, she'll be about 18 months old then and dsd has her room temoorarily... It may be slightly more than 6 months but not much... Dh hasn't explained this interim measure to dsd and i think she has an image that the second she comes down she'll have the room downstairs, not fair on her either

I think you have one of two choices: give her the room (you can't deny a teenager a separate bedroom cos you need to work, whatever the work) or keep your little daughter in with you for that six months. I can't see another solution. When we were in a one-bed flat with our year old daughter, and she turned out not to be a great sleeper, we shifted into the lounge and slept on a sofa bed for a few months and gave her the bedroom (ok, we did feel like we were treating her a bit like a princess, but we all slept better than in together). At the same time, I did my PhD in the corner of the lounge on a computer desk. In an ideal world, it would be lovely to have a separate office, but realistically, you don't even get that in most universities now, our postgrads share a large office with eight of them and although there are laptops and other rooms, they are expected to move about to wherever there is space. I think you are a bit stressed about the PhD, tbh, and this is making you think that the 'only' way it can be done is if you have a room exclusively to yourself, but actually, you will find a way to do it, even if it's putting a desk in your little daughter's room and working quietly in there at night. Get a laptop too so you can be mobile.

I think the most important thing is to make sure your DSD knows she is welcome, to explain to her what is happening but to reassure her that you will do all you can as far as accommodating her. Perhaps suggest that a little while before she is due to arrive the three of you (you, your DH and your DSD) will have a meeting and chat through the options and work out the best solution.

Try not to worry about the detail just yet as there is still a lot of uncertainty, once you live in your new house you might be inspired with other ideas - or your dsd might surprise you with a great suggestion.

What about a (comfy) sofabed in the living room for you & your husband? Combined with wardrobes in one of the children's rooms? I would think a study far more important than a bedroom, esp if you get a daybed/sofa in there for naps.

A sofabed plus chest-type coffee table for bedding would be cheaper than a caravan.

DSD should be like one of your children. That's how it works, I'm afraid, a PhD is a luxury. Opposite sex children over age 8 shouldn't share rooms, according to the law/SS. You need to sacrifice something other than your DSD's needs.

Of course you need your office to do your PhD. Given the limited space you have, it is not reasonable to anticipate giving over your work space to your DSD for her bedroom.

Your DH should not be making these plans without you.

if i stop my phd the family instantly loses approx £1300 a month income, plus 25% discount on council tax and the other discounts as a student that help pay for things and so not strictly a luxury tbh. I'm not doing a 'fancy' phd such as the history of chocolate or the like but a much needed research project into real life situations with a view to improving a certain group of children and young adults lives, hence the funding... This is the same as a full time job, i am just lucky that a large portion can be done at home at hours to suit me providing i do 35 hours a week and do my off site work when needed and attend meetings and training as per any full time job. Me working from home benefits the family...

Dsd is treated exactly like the other dcs, in fact often more favourably as shes not here full time.

Thank you for some good suggestions, i think i need to stop worrying for now and address this nearer the time. It may well be that we both move with the jobs and dsd doesnt like the new location anyway - not likely that we'll move towns but anything can happen, right?

I find I agree with BonsoirAnna.

You can decide about long-term room use after write-up. Then maybe you can insist on laying out some cash on a shed (with heating) or a loft-conversion. Or maybe you'll get a job with an office.

It's not long for dsd to share/sleep on a sofa-bed. You're just over-crowded - you're not the wicked stepmother.

And you're darned right - you're being paid to write this up, and it'll be a 'mare for everyone if you can't confine it to its own space.