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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my in-laws 2.5 month visit is way too long?

44 replies

Sol1 · 25/03/2010 14:53

yes, they are coming from another country. yes, they are from different culture, where they co-habit happily together. yes, it is their first grandson.... BUT, do they really have to come and stay the whole summer?
Am I being unreasonable (and selfish) to think that they should have common sense and not stay too long?
Wish they realised I'm from a different culture and don't do the joint family thingy.
Dont take me wrong, they are very welcome to come and see us, but stay 2.5 months? that's liberty!!!!!
pffffffffffffffffff............

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 25/03/2010 14:55

YANBU.

mazzystartled · 25/03/2010 14:56

will they go off and see other people during that time?
or do touristy things elsewhere? or taking up residence?

if you get one well it could be really nice....but i would probably feel somewhat invaded

have you spoken to your oh about how you feel?

preggersplayspop · 25/03/2010 14:56

Yes, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long.

beeny · 25/03/2010 14:56

What country?

fernie3 · 25/03/2010 15:01

YANBU I like my MIL but 2.5 months would see us both go mad!

MinkyBorage · 25/03/2010 15:02

omfg! Your dh has to sort this out. YANBU

MinkyBorage · 25/03/2010 15:02

can they afford to stay elsewhere? Could you organise a short term rental for them?

UpSinceCrapOClock · 25/03/2010 15:05

YANBU

My in-laws (well, usually just MIL) comes for about 6 weeks every summer. It drives me mad (not helped by the fact that she does nothing to help, I can't work out whether or not she likes me (sometimes very friendly, other times ignores me) and basically just trails round after me, plus we lived in smallish flat. We moved last year to an even smaller flat).

2.5 months is way too long. Anything more than a week is too long in book actually

UpSinceCrapOClock · 25/03/2010 15:07

(Have no practical suggestions for you though. In my case, I've tried talking to DH but he gets all offended. Am already dreading this summer's visit...)

farmerjones · 25/03/2010 15:09

my really good friend in similar situation to yours, but about nine years further down the line. she loves it when they come and stay. means she doesnt have to cook curries for her dh, as mil takes over kitchen, and cooks and cooks. built in childcare. etc etc. she hands over one of the kids bedroom, and the children move in together. its good for the entire family. and when she has had enough, then she comes and spends the entire, morning, evening, afternoon, whatever with me and other friends.

it can work wonderfully. or be a complete nightmare. ime, it works better for women who are not from cultures where people live in extended families, as no one has any expectations then. iyswim

somebodysfool · 25/03/2010 15:10

I had mine here for 6 months on two occasions! I told hubby and her future visits were a max of 1 month from now on. Drove me potty never again. Also from a different culture country so very similar situation.

Mouseface · 25/03/2010 15:12

YANBU - I'm sure that by the end of that time both you and they will have driven each other to distraction and this could actually test your relationship with your DH to the limits too. Avoid the eggshells and tell him how you feel.

My PIL have recently had to come help me with disabled DS as hubby maimed himself but they stayed in a Premier Inn. Not by request but because they thought I had enough to deal with so wouldn't stay with me overnight. I did offer!!!

Original poster
Sol1 · 25/03/2010 15:12

upsincecrapoclock... same here, I did tell DH that I think is way too long... but he said that they really want they to stay for us. What for I asked him? i dont need their help. I think it very annoying to be on the face all the time. specially as they dont really have much sense of privacy. what I did when they last come to visit(6weeks) was to work late hours, leave early to work and come home lat. but now is a different story as im on M/L. I am tough going way with DS for 4 weeks, but they will stay at home with DH. I dont want them to take ownership of my house.

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 25/03/2010 15:14

YA SO NBU!

I wouldn't even entertain the suggestion of this and tbh DP wouldn't either.

Far too much of an imposition.

Tell DH to grow a pair and get it sorted.

A few weeks at most is perfectly adequate.

Original poster
Sol1 · 25/03/2010 15:22

I dont want to hand over my kitchen and DS to them. That would be encouraging them to come more often and stay for even longer period next year.
dont want to be rude and say on their faces that they are not welcome. but I will arrange outgoings everyday with DS to get out of them....
DH knows how I feel, but i understand he is in a very difficult position, as his parents expect to be looked after by him.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 25/03/2010 15:23

Do you actually have a bedroom they can stay in? That will not mean you staying on a sofa bed with limited access to your wardrobes? There's nothing worse than that long term, and tripping over visitors luggage because there's nowhere else to put it. I suppose they think they are coming to help you! But it is far too long.

UpSinceCrapOClock · 25/03/2010 15:27

It's good you're going away for 4 weeks. (I went away to my parents for a week last summer - MIL came too).

It is hard because of course your dh has a right to have his parents visiting and your ds has a right to see his grandparents and if they are coming from far away, they feel they have to get the most out of the trip. But 2.5 months is just far too long! I'm still trying to work out how to handle it.

(sorry, just keep moaning but not actually offering any practical solutions!)

chitchat07 · 25/03/2010 15:30

I used to get on fabulously with my PIL and in particular my MIL who came for long visits (at least a month at a time), but that was when I had other obligations out of the house and could and did leave for the whole day, or lock myself in my study for hours at a time.

The last visit I was unable to do this as I was at home with the DCs, and we lived somewhere where my inlaws couldnt' easily commute anywhere so I had to ferry them about. Absolute freaking nightmare. By the end of the visit I was barely on speaking terms with MIL. Children change the dynamics as some MILs want to stick their oar in and when they live with you it can get tense.

Original poster
Sol1 · 25/03/2010 15:41

appreciate everybody comments... I'm not feeling as mean and selfish and I was when I started the thread

the problem, as girlywhirly said, is that they think they are coming to help... but for me is more of hinder than help. At least they dont speak english fluently, so at least we wont have any arguments.

Im sure they will try to have input in the way I'm raising DS, as they have different views, but I will be strogn and determined (still polite) not to let them interfere.
(im sure you'll be hearing a lot from me in the coming months)

OP posts:
C4ro · 25/03/2010 18:44

Agree very strongly YANBU.

I have slightly similar issue in that we're living in NL but both sets of grandparents are not (UK/ AT) so even though both Grandmums are nice and not going/ intending to be high maintenance when they visit, there is no question that they aren't going to be all that useful.

I was thinking of 3 weeks (tops) for both sides.

flaime · 25/03/2010 18:54

I think you are a saint to even think about it, but then I struggled to be in the same house as my MIL for more than 4 hrs at a time.

DH understood so used to make sure we needed some urgent shopping or something so I could escape whilst on a long visit - I'm sure she thought I was a shopaholic

MinnieMalone · 25/03/2010 19:00

My MIL has been rocking up from abroad for between 1-3 months on an annual basis for years. Last year I put my foot down and told DH he had to have a word. We need warning 9she has a tendency to book flights then inform us that she is coming to stay) and that 3 weeks was the maximum she could stay with us, 'for practical reasons' (made out it was more about the space issue than about how bloody irritating I find her).

So, no - YANBU.

Indaba · 25/03/2010 19:05

It should be illegal. We live overseas in South Africa so long and expensive flight to come and see us.....so people stay for ages! Remember....."visitors like fish go off after 3 days"....thinking about sticking it up on the kitchen-wall.....

ChippingIn · 25/03/2010 19:54

YA NOT BU

I understand his parents are from a different culture and expect this/think they are helping, however, what your DH & his parents need to understand is that you are from a different culture where you do not expect this/do not see this as help. Just because they are 'a different culture' does not mean you need to be the one doing all the 'understanding'.

Decide what you are prepared to put up with and then tell your DH that this is your limit. Tell him that this doesn't set a precedent for next year either.

SirBoobAlot · 25/03/2010 20:03

I am very fond of my in-laws but the idea of staying with them for two and half months?! shudder

Though to be honest I think DP would go mad before I did

Tell your DH that its just not on - you need your space, and that as much as you understand their reasons for visiting, maybe it would be nice for them to see other parts of the UK during their holiday..?

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