to think that my in-laws 2.5 month visit is way too long?

[Sol1]

yes, they are coming from another country. yes, they are from different culture, where they co-habit happily together. yes, it is their first grandson.... BUT, do they really have to come and stay the whole summer?
Am I being unreasonable (and selfish) to think that they should have common sense and not stay too long?
Wish they realised I'm from a different culture and don't do the joint family thingy.
Dont take me wrong, they are very welcome to come and see us, but stay 2.5 months? that's liberty!!!!!
pffffffffffffffffff............

YANBU. I don't regard my house as a hotel for relatives. Fine for a week, if someone was coming from abroad they could have 2 weeks, if a relative was genuinely homeless eg sudden marital split I'd be more tolerant, but our house is small with no spare rooms, we both work and if someone wanted to come for 2 1/2 months I'd be helping them find a local holiday cottage or flat.
Likewise I would hate to go and stay with anyone else for 2 1/2 months. I like my/our space.
It's great they are coming over to see you, expecting to stay for free for the duration is silly and thoughtless.

staying in a hotel or other rental accomodation would be pointless, as they are coming to see their dc, that includes their dil, whether she wants to be included or not, and their dgs. telling them to go stay elsewhere will be a slap in the face. going out and leaving them at home alone will also be a slap in their faces.
you dont need to hand over your dc. but you do need to understand that your dh is their ds.

when yo umarry someone form another culture, and particularly when you have a child with them, you have to be willing to adapt, and change. if you can do so, then you can have a wonderful life. if not, then it can be worse than godawful.

sol how do you know that their ideas re your dc will be interfering? they have successfully brought up one child, the one you married, so they couldnt have been so terrible.
in your culture, and in the culture of most people on this thread, and i include myself in this, its not ok to have people come and stay for three months at a time. but..... starting with a negative attitude isnt going to make it better.
i handed over my kitche n to my mom when she came to stay for two months with brith of dc2. it made my life, and that of dc1 a zillion times easier. when dc3 was born, she had to leave when dc3 was 8 days old, ( she had to go back to work) a mil who cooked me meals, and fed my other kids, would have been a godsend. even though i cant stand mymil, long histroy of crap. so, all i am saying, is that whilst its not what you have been led to expect in your life, dont negate it, coz its different. its not about beinf reasonable or not. its about accepting things the way they are.

FarmerJOnes, saying they brought up the op's dh well is hardly the point. Some people turn out ok despite their parents!

Too too too long a visit. No way. Regardless of who the visitors are. You know, people go on holiday and travel 12+ hours and manage to only stay for two weeks.

I really think you need to put your foot down and say it's far too long. I'd go bananas.

YANBU - 2.5 days yes, 2.5 MONTHS - NO WAY! I shudder at the thought.

Yep, I had that last year only I had to suffer for 3 months, oh, and on two occassions. Good luck to you, is all I can say.

On a serious note. You need to establish ground rules otherwise you will go mad. You must, I repeat, MUST insist, that they will only come a few weeks after your son has been born. You really have to think about that. Its your first baby and you will want to spend time with him. I don't know where your ILs are coming from but chances are they have quite a different culture to yours and obviously have a different way of doing things. Whilst that may seem ok whilst your son hasn't arrived yet you will probably find this quite difficult because you want to do things your way.

My ILs came for 3 months for DD1 and that was really horrible. It took me ages to bond with her and I still don't feel like we have gotten there yet. That was 3 1/2 years ago! Don't get me wrong, they are really nice people and only tried to help but it just wasn't helping me in that situation.

Then they came again for DD2 but I insisted that they would only come 6 weeks after the birth and it has been a lot easier that way. They doted on DD2 which was ok as I had already bonded with her by then and I could spend some more time with jealous DD1. Still not ideal but much better than the first way around.

You must also have an exit strategy. When it gets too much and you just want some time to yourself, you must go otherwise it will be too much to bear for 3 months. I suggest you start this routine straight away ie go out for a coffee twice a week and make sure your husband notices this. That way, he won't feel like you want to escape because its part of your routine and it will be easier to explain to them.

You should also establish who does what before they come. Cooking, cleaning etc. Remember, rules are vital!

Last but not least, your husband must be supportive and understand how stressful it will be for you. He needs to stand behind you to give you some space. Mine always knew that I was quite independant and when I needed some space or didn't want to do something with them, I always said: you know I really do like your parents but I wouldn't even want to do xyz with mine etc.

You'll be ok once you get used to it just make sure you spend enough time with your baby otherwise you will regret. There are always the following exit strategies:

• Baby weighting sessions (it is recommended to go once a week and they always take quite a long time due to lots of Mums attending

• Long walks as its vital for baby's health to get fresh air every day only when the sun shines of course. If his parents are quite elderly, make sure you walk uphill or take the long way on your 'routine' walks

• Baby and toddler groups - also take up at least half the morning

• One of your friends has also give birth and has a hard time so you have to go around and support

• You have problems with breastfeeding so you must attend a class every week

And come to Mumsnet if things drive you nuts. We'll lend an ear!

sometimes 2.5 hours seems too long . . . . .

YANBU

Farmer Jones why should Sol1 be the only one to adapt? Why can't they adapt too by staying at least part of the time in a hotel.

As for having brought up their son, that may be so, or it could be what WinkyWinkola says. Even if their son is the way he is because of his upbringing doesn't mean that the op will want to do things for her child the same way they did and unless they respect that she does things differently it could cause problems. I'm not saying it will just pointing out it could.

OP, 2.5 months is way too long. Speak to your DH and try to get him to understand things from your perspective. A compromise of them staying for part of the time, as I suggested above, may be better.

I tried living with my own mum once. If we hadn't moved when we did it could have wrecked the relationship we have and I'm close to my mum.

Why is staying in a hotel or rented accomodation pointless? If the rented accommodation is nearby they can still see their relatives. It isn't all or nothing. My parents have travelled up to see me and stayed in a B&b due to space shortage when we had all kids and stepkids here. We still saw loads of them and they were glad to have their own space. Surely that's better than everyone getting on top of each other and bickering?

yanbu it is wayyy too long, and if you are not happy with it then dh needs to have a word with them and come to a comprimise.

YANBU, my dh parents are from Italy and in the Summer I had my IL's for 2 months, 2 months when i went back to work, and 2 months towards the end of my pregnancy until i gave birth. Drove me barmy, they are lovely but living ith other people for a long while can be a bit much. A few months ago I told them that they are welcome for a week or two, which seemed to work as now when they come its for a week to 10 days. You do have to say something but be diplomatic about it too.

Towards the end of my pregnancy it was so annoying to have other people in the house constantly, it was not help as they thought, and when i gave birth my goodness, imparting pearls of wisdom in quite a commanding way, drove me barmy and made me so stressed I was glad when they had gone than I could relax.

My in-laws are also coming for 5 weeks about 1 month after our first baby is due. Even though we have a spare room, I said that it would be best if they stayed in a hotel as I will be up in the night and we'll still be all over the place. They were fine about this.

Even though I know I'll be going mad with having them around by the end of the time, I am gritting my teeth as they are DH's parents. They are lovely people, really fantastic, but honestly I just find anyone a bit trying after a week or so.

There is no way that I would have them (or anyone) stay with us though, and for 2.5 months!? I would go insane. I like my privacy and space.

angel, who says they wont be adapting too? just because we dont know, or understand how they are adapting, doesn tmake their changes any less important, and difficult.

if you come from a culture where its ok to stay in a hotel, then fine, but, in a great many cultures its worse than not ok. far better not to visit, than be kicked out into the streets, because that is what it is the equivalent to.
its easy to find people to agree with us. i just wanted to try and give the other side of the story so that sol1 has more information.

i hope sol1 the best with her baby, and her family.

Farmerjones I totally agree my ILs are Italian, if i told them to stay in a hotel it would be like an insult and they would get very offended and would rather not visit. In the British culture it is fine, people tend to stay for a week at the most, and many are happy to book a hotel but in the Med culture no not always. I got so fed up of my ILs staying for 1 month, 2 sometimes 3 months that I said diplomatically to them 'oh it will be lovely to see you both next time they are welcome to stay mabey for a couple of weeks' That seemed to do it, now whenever they come its for 10 days at the most which is great.

My mum "we are coming for 7 weeks next time."

Me "that's lovely which part of NZ are you going to look at for a fortnight in the middle?"

A few days later

"Have you told dh we are coming for 7 weeks"

"No I've told him you are coming for 5 as usual - I haven't mentioned the two in the middle as you won't be here."

thirtypence you go girl!!

sol1 as long as you make sure they don't come until a few weeks after you have had your baby, and are in something resembling a routine, then it might just go better than you (and the rest of us) are imagining.

If they truly are coming to help, any chance you can just get the cupboards stacked full of stuff, point them in the direction of the kitchen and retire to your bed to care for your baby????

Shove the hoover in their direction every couple of days, and sit back and feed your LO.

As it goes my IL died before DH and I were really together, but they are from the Middle East, there is no way on earth that a hotel would ever be suggested or accepted, it's tantamount to kicking someone out on the streets as another poster said.

If the hotel thing is an option then use the 'we'll be up all night' excuse as an incentive for them to do the right thing.

When are they descending??

YANBU!!!

Their visit is about 2 months and one week too long.
I like the suggestion that you go out. A LOT. Libraries are also good places to spend a few peaceful hours reading while your DC is in a pram.

Good luck.

If i used the were up all night excuse, my ILs would say 'not to worry' thats fine we are heavy sleepers anyway

They speak fluent English so there is no lang barrier