in thinking ex is being a prat

[ka32]

ok, be gentle with me lol even though i'm asking am i being unreasonable.
Long story, will try to make it short. Split with hubby, now soon to be ex. Kids etc amicably enough shared, but one of the reasons we split was his total lack of respect for me, and his lackadasical attitude helping in the house, timekeeping etc etc.

The timekeeping thing was such a big deal that I actually got it written into the separation documents that any times agreed for him to pick up etc were to be adhered to unless phone call/communication first and change was mutually agreed.

Anyway, today, he's supposed to be here at 5pm. I txt at 5.15 'when will you be here' 5.40 get reply 'sorry not til 7.30'

ended up phoning him (he didn't answer first time round obviously knew it was me) and having row with him down phone saying you can't treat me like this anymore, my life doesn't revolve around you, I'm not your support anymore.

So, oh wonderful mumsnetters, am i being unreasonable in being sitting here fuming feeling like i've been shafted?? (not that i don't love DS and DD and not that its any bother to have them but he uses this picking them up as a control thing i think)

Not BU. Next time (unfortunately sounds like there will be a next time) just text him if he's 15 mins late saying "we're going out now, see you next time". Don't react.

YANBU

I would keep a journal, with dates times etc - it might come in handy one day (when he's going to court saying you wont allow him access!!).

I wouldn't tell the DC's that Daddy is coming. If he arrives on time, pack them off with him with a smile. If he isn't there within 15 minutes of pick up time, go out. If he calls or texts, just say sorry, you were late & I had other arrangements. IF he wants to see the DC's he'll soon get his act together, if he doesn't then you can address that.

I appreciate that 'going out' just to not be waiting around for him to turn up will be a bit of a pain in the butt, however, I know it's worked for a friend in the past. Her EX soon got the message that she was not going to be sat around waiting for him and if he wanted the kids he needed to be on time (within reason).

Don't call him to see where he is - this is only allowing him the control he is seeking.

I agree No yanbu

I would say - if you call and say sorry I will be late due to a good reason, flat tyre etc then fair enough

But if agreed time is 5pm and you are not here by 5:15 then sorry, too late - we will be out, unavailable etc.

How ld are your kids?

That would drive me nuts, how rude to think he can just pitch up whenever he feels like it.

YANBU. I would do as others have said, maybe not go out, but something like "well, the kids are settled in bed now, so will have to be tomorrow..." or something like that.

Well done for getting out. Don't let him treat you like this any more.

kids are 8 and 12 so not babies but still so so angry - he just expects me to be here waiting for him to deign to appear.

BTW....its 25 past 7... still not here yet....

changed my nickname btw lol

oh and thank you guys for the support and affirmation, lovely new dp (part of the problem with ex i think) is working away all this week and next and i was in a bit of a fankle lol.

No you are not.

I have had this problem with my ex. he would be late and when I asked where he was he would say we had agreed a different time! Ended up going out if he was more than 15 minutes late, he only did it twice after that!

Id put the chain on the door and go upstairs spend some quality time with your kids ignore him.

What is his excuse for being so late?

Birdworthington OMG he did that so much I actually mostly send text messages coz when we talked on the phone he kept saying no i didn't say x or y or z. Made me feel like I was losing my mind, but then I am obviously the 'little woman' who should just cow tow to him...NOT

Fav affirming saying of the day... apologies in advance to the decent blokes out there (and many thanks to my best mate for texting it)

"Any woman who aspires to be as good as a man lacks ambition"

Laura, excuse is 'unlike some people i have to work i know its an alien concept to you'

am i allowed to say dickhead on here?

Oh... he just arrived at 7.55 ....

aga, it used to get right on my nerves! One day I texted (not long after we split) to ask where he was. His reply? I'm just leaving sara's (no idea who she was) house and I need a shower so will be half an hour. I said we had an arrangement and all he could say was 'I overslept' Incredible! He also made me feel like I had gone mad!

You can say dickhead and we all agree here.
Have you ever been late to pick up from him at all? And if you have what was his reaction.

mamas12 No I have never been late, but then apparently I'm anal about being on time for everything

Birdworthington are you sure they aren't brothers in a former life lol

Slowly calming down now - thinking about lovely new baby with lovely new but oh so different partner who cares and respects me and loves me and wants to be with me, and who also treats my kids amazingly

not BU at all.

mine was late dropping the kids off on Sun, texted 30 mins after was meant to drop them back to say be 15 mins.
I had spent 30 mins worrying about where they were and hit the roof - I have no problems with him having them later, but I want to know before not after.
Plus is isn't fair to the kids - either they are waiting for him, or in my case they were late back, tired and grouchy and problematic to get to bed.

To be fair to my ex he was sorry and appreciated the issue - but then he isn't, in general, a dickhead.

glad you are calming down now.

It shows a total lack of respect for your DCs, not just for you Not sure, but it's probably made worse as they are old enough to understand...

Chasing, thats my point exactly, I have no problem with having them later but I would like to know in advance. There's also the small issue that I feel like my life is still to an extent being run by him and when he decides to come and pick them up IYSWIM?

The ex, however, has said in the past that he never thought I would leave - long messy story but the best thing for me and my kids - and has struggled a bit on his own (he has his mother do all his cooking - honestly) and he hates the fact that I have a new partner and am happily moving on in my life. He also hates the fact that, despite having worked all my married life with him, I now do not have to, as I am in the exceedingly fortunate position and god do I ever know it, of being able to stay at home and be a Mum. New partner earns more than he ever did, and he hates having to pay for the kids, and in fact sometimes doesn't, although my partner doesn't see it as a problem, as far as he's concerned I came as a package deal lol

Sorry, waffling and not making much sense, that might be the pregnant head !!

Minshu

The oldest one, DD, knows fine well what's going on and is starting to lock horns with him on other issues already... the hair cut melt down I hope never to have to relive... God help him when she wants to go out in a belt(aka skirt) with some bloke he doesn't approve of lol.

Even my DS said the other day 'Daddy's very bossy sometimes'

agasarecool - my eldest is 10 and he is in bed asleep now! I think maybe you should put your foot down with your ex otherwise you will end up with fractious children, not to mention when the baby comes along...

your new life with new partner sounds lovely.

Thehillsarealive He's keeping them overnight and taking to school in the morning. Would've been better if he'd turned up when he was supposed to, at least he'd have had the evening with them, but turning up at 5 to 8 is just a waste of time.

And yes, new dp (well, not that new, I've known him a long time) is lovely, and did I mention he cooks, hoovers and I have done no ironing since we got together - he likes to iron he says its relaxing. He is also very laid back, and not controlling, and is just so different from the ex in every way. I honestly never thought I'd ever find anyone ever again after me and the ex split, and I certainly never thought it would be dp.... he's a toy boy to boot!!!

agas, your ex is clearly an arse, poor kids, but at least your DP is treating you how you are supposed to be treated, with respect.

emmmmaaaa that's exactly how i felt - fuming, bath has however calmed me down lol. I just hate feeling like he still has control over me, there was this one day when he wanted to just come here to get stuff that the kids had 'forgotten' - it was still v early days with dp, all still a big secret, him not here if kids were here etc etc, i was out at shop for milk and ex phoned, dp answered phone on automatic pilot lol lmfao. DP just said no you will not come here I will drop the stuff they need to school for them...... and put the phone down.

Needless to say, he is not a fan of the ex.

DP and DD are very close, actually much closer than she is to her dad, although I have to say I think he's far far too soft, he's never been married, never had kids and he is a total pushover where they are concerned, not in a bad way, but sweets on the way home if he gets them from school, trips to the park, days out, silly wee treats, you know?? Although he did get stung for a fancy coat by DD the other day.......

ohhhh forgot i wanted to say he was also so late for the christmas concert at DS school he only got the tea and shortbread after

agas, YANBU your Ex sounds terribly annoying, and also terribly like mine - although he doesnt usually collect DC from me but he does drop them off, and never at any regular time but simply based on when it suits him. My ex has never cared who he keeps waiting, he does things when he wants, and sod everyone else.

It pisses me off no end - but he does it to everyone, even his new gf (this I know because they had a dinner reservation at 9 the other week, he didnt drop the boys off til ten to 9, and then had to do a 15 minute drive to her house, plus the same in the other direction to the restaurant!)....in fact one of the best things about not being with him is no longer having to apologise for his lateness to all and sundry/beg restaurants to hold tables etc