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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being upset about my ex having a baby

37 replies

worriedToomuch · 24/03/2010 12:23

Hi! I changed my name for this.

My ex left me for another woman, much younger (he is 40, she is 21), but she is a proper chav, they smoke drugs, drink daily, swear, etc etc. He used to be a hard-working person, we had a nice, comfortable life, but after meeting her he just stopped working, moved into her council flat and basically gave up on everything. My son goes over to his dad?s every few months for a visit, and that?s about it. I?ve remarried, and recently gave birth to another baby. The OW is very jealous of me, used to send me nasty texts al the time, even tried to blackmail me when I was getting a divorce, saying I have to pay her off, or she won?t let my ex sign the papers. Not sure why she hates me so much, after all I got dumped because of her. Anyway, I just found out that she is pregnant. For some reason I feel uneasy about my boy having a half-sibling living on an awful council estate, in a very deprived area, being brought up by two idiots. Am I being unreasonable worrying about how it will affect my son?s future?

OP posts:
ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 24/03/2010 12:27

YABU to write off the poor child before its even born, although I can understand your feelings. That said, are you sure you're not still a little raw over being left for this woman?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 24/03/2010 12:27

YABU. She's not the OW she's your ex-p's partner. You have remarried and had another child. YA also BU about people living on 'awful council estates'. i imagine they aren't thrilled about it either. How do you think it is going to affect your ds future?

WhoIsAsking · 24/03/2010 12:29

um.

Not sure how this will affect your child TBH.

((Bit confused about why OW would NOT want you to get a divorce - that's a bit )

cluckyduck · 24/03/2010 12:30

OP if you post this in Relationships you will probably get more helpful responses, I am worried you are about to get flamed...

Original poster
worriedToomuch · 24/03/2010 12:30

Yeah, I was trying to figure out if it is me just being jealous, or I am right to worry. By the way this girl got two kids, but they live with her parents, because social services wanted to take them away.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedToomuch · 24/03/2010 12:31

Thank you clucky!

OP posts:
oldernowiser · 24/03/2010 12:32

You are being a bit of a snob you know. Hopefully your son will grow up to have a less narrow minded view of of his half sibbling and other people's worth

WhoIsAsking · 24/03/2010 12:33

Look, I remember when my XH had a baby by his new partner. It was freaking HORRIBLE. It didn't matter that it had been over for a long time, it didn't matter that I had a new bloke, I felt YUCK about it.

So, I cried a bit for a few days and then I dealt with it.

Original poster
worriedToomuch · 24/03/2010 12:34

WhoI, I was pregnant with my second child, and wanted to marry his dad before he is born. So the OW thought it was a great timing to blackmail me.. She wanted 10k. By the way my ex does not pay any child support..

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedToomuch · 24/03/2010 12:38

Thanx WhoI, I feel very bad feeling that way, its a baby after all, I wish him/her well, just not sure I am happy about it...

OP posts:
MrsPixie · 24/03/2010 12:42
Biscuit
thehillsarealive · 24/03/2010 12:42

why would you let your child go there when they are smoking, drinking, taking drugs etc? Surely your ex should see his son somewhere more suitable?

As for the new baby I presume SS will be involved from when it is born.

FabIsGettingThere · 24/03/2010 12:45

YABU and a huge snob.

expatinscotland · 24/03/2010 12:47

If I knew my ex were taking drugs I'd have long taken him to court to end access rather than have my kid visit anywhere where people were abusing drink and drugs, be it a mansion or a shack.

Why haven't you gone to court over this?

expatinscotland · 24/03/2010 12:49

FWIW, I don't think it's snobby to not want your kid around people who drink too much and do drugs and live in a dire place.

I live in a dire place, it's a shithole and I don't want our kids here. BUT we're working to get out.

I don't know not wanting to live in a shithole is seen as snobby. DH brought that up once, that some see it as snobby, and I said, 'Well, I guess I'm a snob then. I'm a bitch, too, and a Yank. Whoopty shit.'

Original poster
worriedToomuch · 24/03/2010 12:51

It is a bit complicated , the truth is I feel sorry for my ex, cant bring myself to stop him from having a contact with my son. They usually behave when he stays over,but once had a fight with police being involved.

OP posts:
FabIsGettingThere · 24/03/2010 12:51

I meant she sounds like a snob as she obviously feels she is better than they are.

porcamiseria · 24/03/2010 12:54

hmm , I think the ex having a new baby is always going to be a tough one to swallow, its all a bit emotional as you had a child with them too.

I wish though we just just call a spade a spade! people will (I bet) get outraged at the chav word. fuck it, let her call her Ex new P a chav! I dont care!

I think it's not unusual to be concerned about closer links with your DS and them given the new half sibling. But deal with it! DS needs to see his dad and see his sibling, and life isn't always as perfect as we'd like. Hopefully drinking and smoking will abate now?

anyway be brave as betcha some people will take a dislike to your post, sorry OP!!!

HILLS not sure why SS are going to get involved, I used to smoke, swear loads, and have a wine daily! Its hardly Fred and Rose bloody West !!!!!

Original poster
worriedToomuch · 24/03/2010 12:55

It is not just about a shitty place. Its the whole situation. Maybe I was wrong to mention it. I am not a snob, honest...

OP posts:
AliGrylls · 24/03/2010 12:57

Are you sure that is the real reason why you are upset?

She sounds like an unpleasant character - is this what the real problem is?

msrisotto · 24/03/2010 12:58

I don't think it's snobby to worry about the image your kid is being subjected to when they visit their father who has quit work and lays about smoking drugs all day! Who thinks this is something to aspire to??

Original poster
worriedToomuch · 24/03/2010 13:02

I am not sure Ali, it just feels weird the idea of another boy looking like DS being brought up in these conditions. I think if its a girl it will be easier for me..

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 24/03/2010 13:03

I agree, porcam.

'They usually behave when he stays over,but once had a fight with police being involved.'

See, I'd have gone to court after that.

Living in shitholes, I have just completely lost patience with that kind of behaviour because it is straight up chav and like porcam I don't see the point in dancing around calling a spade a spade.

And I used to drink more than my weight/week so I don't buy the 'It was just a one-off, they were drunk' hand-wringing-give-them-a-chance (and another and another) chain of thought.

Scardypants · 24/03/2010 13:10

Thing is your op suggests you havn't had a problem letting your son visit the area or be around either of them before now. I know you said you feel sorry for exh but your son comes first and I imagine if you really felt he was in danger you would not have allowed it so it can't be that bad. You are posting asking if YABU to worry about how another child from a rotten area with rotten parents will effect your ds, right? If I'm wrong please correct me but that's what I got from your posts.

Anyway, expat said her area is a shithole, no doubt there are others and maybe the one this new baby will be reared in is too BUT expat is not a rotten person she just happens to be in a situation that she is trying to get out of so - nice people can live in shit areas and come from shit areas and have shit parents. Would you allow your son to be with shit people? Can't make blanket assumptions about people based on where they live and their daily activities havn't rang alarm bells with you yet. Answer to your question - YANBU just a little judgy and over anxious imho.

drloves8 · 24/03/2010 13:16

i sort of get what yo mean op, its more that your dc will have a permenant tie to that woman ,through his new sibling and lets face it she sounds like a nightmare at the minute.
Thats not unreasonable to have concerns, but sshe might change her attitude now shes pregnant. Ive known people to give up the drugs and drink and sort their lives out during a pregnancy..... hope it turns out ok for all the kids involved.