Being upset about my ex having a baby

[worriedToomuch]

Hi! I changed my name for this.

My ex left me for another woman, much younger (he is 40, she is 21), but she is a proper chav, they smoke drugs, drink daily, swear, etc etc. He used to be a hard-working person, we had a nice, comfortable life, but after meeting her he just stopped working, moved into her council flat and basically gave up on everything. My son goes over to his dad?s every few months for a visit, and that?s about it. I?ve remarried, and recently gave birth to another baby. The OW is very jealous of me, used to send me nasty texts al the time, even tried to blackmail me when I was getting a divorce, saying I have to pay her off, or she won?t let my ex sign the papers. Not sure why she hates me so much, after all I got dumped because of her. Anyway, I just found out that she is pregnant. For some reason I feel uneasy about my boy having a half-sibling living on an awful council estate, in a very deprived area, being brought up by two idiots. Am I being unreasonable worrying about how it will affect my son?s future?

Thanx scardy! Actually I get so anxious about these visits, I had a panic attack at a shopping centre and they had to call an ambulance, as I was calling ex for the whole weekend and the mobile was off, so I feared the worst. I just fainted in the shop from stress. I also spoken to a solicitor, but there is not much hope, his dad had to do something really awful to be stopped from having access.

Thing is, though, scardy, this guy hangs around smoking dope and drinking all day.

Again, if that were my son I wouldn't care if this guy were doing that in a council hovel or a rockstar's mansion, he'd be seeing little of his son if he didn't cut it out pronto, at least whilst my kid was there.

She wasn't making blank assumptions about the girl based on where she lived, she'd been sent hate nasty messages and attempted bribary!

Thanx drloves, this is exactly what I meant.

tbh , if my exh was smoking dope and drinking all day , he wouldnt get near my kids never mind have them stay for a visit.
perhaps this could be a good time to get visits cut/stopped until the ex and wifey sort themselves out ? .

YABU get over it.

As long as oyur son has you and a stable home life he will be fine.

"For some reason I feel uneasy about my boy having a half-sibling living on an awful council estate, in a very deprived area, being brought up by two idiots. Am I being unreasonable worrying about how it will affect my son?s future"

I'm willing to stand corrected but were you not assuming that this childs being would have a bad effect on your son's future because of how he/she was reared? Maybe I picked it up totally wrong but that's what I got from your question. Apologies if it's not what you meant.

I also didn't mean to upset you or say you were anxious over nothing but that you had let the visits continue. I see from your last post that you have seen a solicitor who's advice quite frankly is shocking! If you have a genuine concern for the safety of your son and have proof (police visit before, other dc's removed from care etc) then you are well within your rights to have the access arrangements changed.

worried i sort of had the same problem, but with my stepkids... their mum went through a really bad time a few years back and stupidly got herself involved with drugs, she was addicted to anphetamine .i was really worried about her kids and my kids (there was a few lashing out episodes between them all) , but DH insisted that we help her as much as possible so she could sort herself.Deep down she is a good person. It took some time but she managed it.
At the time , i was horrified at the thought of her being off her face incharge of the children, so we had them as much as we could,(wanted them full time but she wouldnt allow us .)I was also concerened about her passing on her bad habits to her kids , and they onto mine..tbh.

That's where the confusion lay for me expat. I didn't see that it was as bad as op is now saying (maybe my fault for not reading properly) Have explained in my last post.

I do not see what is snobby about worrying about the effect on your child of someone - smoking drugs, drinking daily, using foul language, abusing you (there is the danger they might be equally vile to your child!)

There's also nothing wrong with saying an estate is "awful" and "in a deprived area" they exist, I grew up on one.

If I was being forced to hand my child over in those circumstances, I'd be worried too.

To be honest I am very old-fashioned, guess that might be one of the reasons why ex left me. DH2 is like me, very old-fashioned person, and this is how we bring up our kids. My son does not like going to his dad?s, but he sees it as a chore that must be done. I just was imagining him growing up and having this sibling that will be brought up with some-what different values. It did distress me a bit. Guess I overanalyzed it.

WTM I'm sorry if I came across unfeeling initially. I do sympathise.

My dd hates visiting her dad. It's not court ordered but he is very insistant. She's getting to know the man behind the dad face and she doesn't like him much but it's all his doing so he'll be the one who has to live with it for the rest of his life. I have had to drive over two hours before to remove dd from his care because she was so scared and it was a very long time before she would trust him again. He was very drunk, something she does not witness in this house so all the more scary for her but thankfully he still lives with his mother (after leaving a second gf and dd ) and she was there to mind dd until I arrived.

I grew up on a council estate and I like to think I did ok for myself. I'm not perfect but who is? I didn't have my dad in my life and my mother was an alcoholic. I was a crazy teen but I made it to adulthood without too many scrapes.

If the drugs and drinking is daily then you have a right to request visitation adjustment.

Good luck.