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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mother what she can and can't do with my children?

31 replies

Condensedmilkaddict · 23/03/2010 23:31

I genuinely need help with this one.
I am starting full time work in a few days and we are paying my mother to give up her casual job, to be on call for us.
It will include picking up the kids after school a couple of days a week, and looking after them 3-4 days a week in the school holidays.
How much say do I reasonably have?
She is not the greatest driver, so I would prefer she keeps them local - ie.not drive into the city.
Locally we have a cinema (which I will pay for), library, swimming pool, park etc so it's not like they are missing out.
Also, and this is the one I'm sure will cause issues. I do not want them spending time with my sister. She is toxic,and I know she will say something to my kids like 'oh you poor abandoned children it must hurt so much for your mother to leave you on the holidays'.
My mum is blind to it, and will no doubt be planning to see her.
My mother can be controlling and sulky, and will tell me that I am being unreasonable - so I need to know from impartial people AIBU?

OP posts:
BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 23/03/2010 23:36

I am confused why you wish for your mum to care for your children if you don't trust her to drive them about and you think she's controlling and sulky. Is this really the best person to care for them if this is how you see her?

Missus84 · 23/03/2010 23:37

If you're paying her going rate for childcare then I think you have total say. If she was doing it free as a favour then you'd have less.

pippop1 · 23/03/2010 23:44

I think this will end badly. It might be easier to have a non-related childminder and let your Mum take them out for treats.

It will be hard on your Mum not to see her other daughter and yet you don't want your children to see her.

You can see all the potential points of conflicts already. Do consider very carefully if paying your Mum to do this is a wise decision. Unless you want to fall out with her....

chitchat07 · 23/03/2010 23:46

Bad move, using your mother. If you don't trust her why on earth are you using her to look after your children? I suspect this will just lead to arguments and heartache for you both.

rasputin · 23/03/2010 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puffling · 23/03/2010 23:59

This will end in tears. You'll constantly be stressing about what she's done, where they've gone what sister said. You'll row. Don't do it.

annielouisa · 24/03/2010 00:10

I think this will end in disaster and everyone will end up resenting each other. I think your mum will resent giving up her part time job to provide child care even if you are paying I bet it is not enough to demand your mum cannot see her other children.

shockers · 24/03/2010 00:29

My advice would be, get an ofsted registered childminder.
It's sad but you can't tell your parents how to behave with your children as they feel a certain amount of 'ownership' as Grandparents ( and that is quite nice in a lot of ways).
Let your Mum do family things with you along as well.

violethill · 24/03/2010 06:40

I completely agree.

If you are paying the going rate, then why on earth aren't you choosing proper, registered childcare?

Or are you paying your mother a 'token' sum, but basically getting childcare on the cheap?
If so, then you're setting yourself up for disaster.

I have very little sympathy for people who use relatives for free or cheap childcare and then wonder why they aren't getting the care they want, or are having constant stresses about certain issues. I think there's some back story here - why has she given up her other work to do this? Did you 'persuade'/push her into it? Did she volunteer because she would prefer it to her old work?

There is one solution to childcare issues - be prepared to pay the accepted rate so that you get to choose what YOU want.

coralanne · 24/03/2010 07:39

Don't do it.

Why should your mum give up her casual job where she probbly has contact with other children.

Your mum has had her stint at child raising and now deserves her own adult time.

It doesn't sound as though you even like her very much so why would you want her to look after your DC's.

Get a professional childminder and let your mum be the grandmother she is.

coralanne · 24/03/2010 07:39

I meant to say have contact with other ADULTS

Chandon · 24/03/2010 07:47

Sorry, but it does sound like a bad plan.

If she is not banned from driving, it would be very hurtful to tell her she shoudl not drive your kids as YOU think she is a bad driver.

Also, you cannot stop your mum seeing your sister.

It sounds like you probably pay her less than you would a CM and that´s why you´re doing this?

If you are paying CM rates, better get a CM and let your mum have them every now and then (and for her to do as she pleases)

HTH

theressomethingaboutmarie · 24/03/2010 07:53

I'd go with a professional childminder/nursery instead. My SIL is a childminder and drives me bonkers, she's very critical of my parenting (conducting a 'survey' amongst family members in front of me asking if I'd starve my DD by not weaning her until 6 months - DD was 5 weeks at the time so I was emotional and tired) so there is no way she would get to look after my daughter.

By using a professional childminder, it means that you have a say and that the relationship has boundaries. I would have gone insane had SIL been looking after my DD.

TrinityIsFuckingTrying · 24/03/2010 07:55

sounds like a really bad idea
sorry

Bucharest · 24/03/2010 07:56

Difficult this one.
My Mum looks after dd free of charge for 8 weeks of the year, and I give her free reign, not only because she's free, but because I do trust her implicitly with dd.

You obviously don't, take the money aspect out of the equation and you still have issues about the whole thing, no? So it might be better not to go that route.

coralanne · 24/03/2010 07:56

Prsumably your mum pays tax, has super etc. even if her job is casual.

Are you prepared to pay all this.

In the paper yesterday was an article stting that a very high percentage of babyboomers would retire in debt.

This will be partly due to home renovations, adult children still living at home and giving up work to look after the next generation.

sunnydelight · 24/03/2010 08:00

I'm not sure what the AIBU is unless it's should you are even contemplaing this childcare arrangement.

It sounds to me like you want cheap childcare AND total control of where your children go, who they see etc., which is difficult in a commercial relationship and totally unrealistic with family. You either accept that you are getting a good deal and turn a blind eye things you may not be happy about or you pay market rate and have a bit more control.

Original poster
Condensedmilkaddict · 24/03/2010 08:10

Wow - blunt Coralanne.

For the record, she hates her job, and is happy to give it up. She is only working because she has to after losing a lot of their retirement money.

The reason I haven't gone the childcare route is because DS is almost 13. I can't exactly imagine him being thrilled at being dropped off at a childcare centre.

I do have a few issues with my Mum (doesn't everyone?) but she loves the kids and they love her...

I do hear you though about it being a bad idea. We have been in business with family before and I KNOW how badly it can end.

The reason I chose my mother is not for cheap child care.

OP posts:
Emmmmmaa · 24/03/2010 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longtalljosie · 24/03/2010 08:15

I'm not going to join the queue of people accusing you of malign motives... This arrangement could have worked well had it not been for the sister issue. You know you will walk straight into an almighty row if you try to dictate your mother's contact with her other daughter.

annh · 24/03/2010 08:17

I think the time to sort out all your worries about driving, your sister etc was BEFORE you agreed this arrangement and your mum gave up her job. Does she actually want to look after your children or does she see this as an easy way out of a job which she doesn't like? "Twill end in disaster.

msrisotto · 24/03/2010 08:18

Hi, I don't think you're necessarily BU by wanting your mum to look after your son but I just don't think it's acceptable to ask her not to see her other daughter. And a bit rude to say her driving isn't good enough to drive him a particular distance. Most accidents happen close to home than far away.

Original poster
Condensedmilkaddict · 24/03/2010 08:18

Hmmm. Thanks everyone for your input. Guess I will have to have a rethink.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 24/03/2010 08:18

Since your DS is already 13yo I think that you can probably just let your mum get on with it. He is old enough to roll his eyes at his silly aunt and ignore what she says.

How old are the other DC?

harecare · 24/03/2010 08:19

It's only after school and holidays so don't worry too much. She's your Mum and you turned out OK (I assume) with full time care from her. If that's the worst your sister is going to say then I shouldn't worry too much either.
It sounds like your kids are old enough for any toxicity to not really affect them.

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