To tell my mother what she can and can't do with my children?

[Condensedmilkaddict]

I genuinely need help with this one.
I am starting full time work in a few days and we are paying my mother to give up her casual job, to be on call for us.
It will include picking up the kids after school a couple of days a week, and looking after them 3-4 days a week in the school holidays.
How much say do I reasonably have?
She is not the greatest driver, so I would prefer she keeps them local - ie.not drive into the city.
Locally we have a cinema (which I will pay for), library, swimming pool, park etc so it's not like they are missing out.
Also, and this is the one I'm sure will cause issues. I do not want them spending time with my sister. She is toxic,and I know she will say something to my kids like 'oh you poor abandoned children it must hurt so much for your mother to leave you on the holidays'.
My mum is blind to it, and will no doubt be planning to see her.
My mother can be controlling and sulky, and will tell me that I am being unreasonable - so I need to know from impartial people AIBU?

Annh she has looked after my sibling's children over the years in a similar arrangement when they needed her to.
I am the only one who will actually be paying her though, as I know she needs the money - see no malign motives?

This is difficult for me, as I have previously been a SAHM, so all this is new to me...I do appreciate the feedback.

I agree with MmeLinndt-if your DS is almost a teenager he isn't going to be influenced. Couldn't he just go home alone on school days and just to her in the holidays?
If you ask your mother then you can't have control-even if you are paying her-if you want control don't use her. You can't stop her seeing your sister while they are there!

How old are the DC. One is almost 13?

This puts the whole problem in a new light.

I don't know where I got the impression from that they are very small children.

If your mum is happy to leave her job and look after them then there shouldn't be a problem.

They are probably friends and she would be more a companion then a childminder and being paid for it would be a bonus.

It sounds like they have plenty to do locally and your mum probably wouldn't want to drive into the city if she is nervous.

Sorry I sounded a bit harsh but I honestly thought they were very small children and I don't think you would be unreasonable to discuss with mum the fact that you would feel uncomfortable if they were to frive into the city and would prefer them to remain local.

No need to say you don't trust her driving. Just say you would have more peace of mind if they were to get sick during the day and you can get to them quickly.

DRIVE into the city

I think it might be smart to have a formalish meeting with your Mum, no need to be business like but say that "given we are taking on this arragement, to avoid any issues lets go through a few issues for both sides b4 we start", make sure its clear that you want to understand her options too, if it doesn not appear one sided so much the better

I use a friend for childminding 1 day a week and its been GREAT but setting up ground rules before is essential

things you might want to chat about are

holiday, holiday pay how much to take and notice

what do do when kids are sick

how you pay her, maybe suggest a fixed standing order which will make life alot easier

some golden DO and DONT for both sides

good luck

Coralanne, I assumed they were young children too. 13 is a whole different kettle of fish!

OP - I don't think you will have too many problems because of your children's age, but I don't think you can dictate to your mother about seeing your sister, especially if the children are at her house (another assumption!).

If your sister is a bit toxic, as others have said I think your children are old enough to deal with it. Besides, after school they will be busy doing sports or school work, meals, wouldn't they? It's only the days off during school holidays, and if you organise outings, by getting vouchers or tickets to venues, most of those days can be sister free as well.