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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel angry with my MIL and DH?

30 replies

Raspberryjam · 23/03/2010 22:53

We bought a holiday home abroad a while ago and have been doing it up - it is nearly finished. It also is in the village where my DHs grandparents come from.

My DH and I have not stayed there yet and are hoping to go sometime this summer - we have still to get bedding/kitchen stuff etc organised .
My MIL has just asked my DH if she can have a holiday there in July - to which he replied yes. So she will be the first to stay in our new home.

We of course plan to go on holiday with her and with my own family, but I would like to go first to organise the place.It feels like there is no respect for me and no boundaries. Should I just go with the flow or say no?

OP posts:
rasputin · 23/03/2010 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Raspberryjam · 23/03/2010 22:59

I have told DH that she shouldn't have asked to go and to put us in that position. DH just wants her to have a nice holiday and want the house to get used - I can see his point but I am really mad at him for not asking me first.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 23/03/2010 23:01

I would be annoyed/upset/disappointed that someone else was going to be 'first' having a holiday there, it kind of takes the shine off of all the hard work and exitement doesn't it - so would probably call the MIL to tell her (or get DH to if you don't feel you can) that whilst she will be welcome to use it in the future - that you want to use it 'the first time' yourself as you have been really looking forward to it. She'll probably be a bit , but one of you is going to be a bit upset and it is yours....

However, don't hold your breath waiting for your DH to understand your point of view as men generally don't have the same level of attachment to 'firsts'.

choosyfloosy · 23/03/2010 23:02

What about the summer half-term?

Mowgli1970 · 23/03/2010 23:02

YANBU, I'd want to be the first one to go on holiday in my home too! Can't you go before, even for a weekend, so you can organise the house in the way you want. It would have been courteous for him to ask you first, but men don't think like that in my experience!

StayFrosty · 23/03/2010 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

choosyfloosy · 23/03/2010 23:05

Sorry, personally I think YABU on the actual point of issue, provided she is the sort who will clean it! it will still be the first time you go, when you go.

But YANBU that DH should have double checked arrangements with you.

Silver1 · 23/03/2010 23:06

I like what CHIPINGIN said.
It is yours and that feeling may stay with you for years and precipitate un-necessary disagreements in the future.

Original poster
Raspberryjam · 23/03/2010 23:07

I do feel that it takes the edge off our first visit/memories there, but I am worried about the future situation - imagine if MIL wants to go for 3weeks next year and we would find it difficult to be able to have time there on our own. Of course we would like to go with her, and for MIL to spend time with our daughter, but would also like to think we can go on our own.

She has a lot of friends in the village through family connections and it feels like she thinks it is "her" house.
BTW she has already booked her flights for July - I found this out when we were all travelling in the car the other day on the way back from a family gathering.

OP posts:
JaneS · 23/03/2010 23:07

Just tell her you'd love her to stay, and the unfinished septic tank really won't be a problem. All she needs to do is be out between 10 and 6 each day while they sort out the seepage problem, and you've been assured that the wind will sort the smell problem right out.

Uriel · 23/03/2010 23:08

Book a weekend out there before mil.

Original poster
Raspberryjam · 23/03/2010 23:12

Funnily enough Littlereddragon, we are having septic tanks dug into the ground at the moment - that did make me laugh though!!!
I think a weekend therebefore hand is the best solution.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 23/03/2010 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Raspberryjam · 23/03/2010 23:24

I do feel quite like that Madamedeathstare as MIL will definitely be putting things there and inviting her friends over too while she is there.

I am being really petty, but it has put me off going now, whereas I had been quite excited about it all . How do I establish boundaries now?

OP posts:
JaneS · 23/03/2010 23:25

Oh, raspberry, that was an honest solution! In all seriousness, I think the best bet might be to suggest that the work isn't going to be finished. After all, you presumable asked the builders to plan for finishing for your holiday, not hers. It's normal for you to want to be the first person there because apart from a holiday, you're checking the place out - you wouldn't let someone else test-drive a car for you, so why let them check out a holiday home?

Original poster
Raspberryjam · 23/03/2010 23:28

I like the test drive analogy - the work might only just be finished as you say - the trouble is she has already booked her flights and she told me the guest house she has stayed in before is booked during that period - it is only a small village.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 24/03/2010 00:20

YANBU, I would be very annoyed with DH for not telling his mother that he had to discuss it with you and for not then telling her she had to wait a few weeks when you objected.
I can't imaging my current (or ex) husband doing this though. Is he always so inconsiderate of your feelings?

outnumbered2to1 · 24/03/2010 00:38

YANBU - ferfucksake its YOUR house not your MIL but you can bet she'll have every single one of her friends from the village traipsing through it so she can show off.....

Tell her your husband thought she meant NEXT july!!

MadamDeathstare · 24/03/2010 02:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekOfTheWeek · 24/03/2010 10:14

I can see your point. It would drive me mad if someone thought and treated my home (or holiday home) like their own. My own mum included before anyone judges!

Does she know that she is staying there before you have? If so I think that is cheeky. I also think it unfair if she expects to stay there for weeks on end.

I would be telling dh that he has been unfair to not discuss it with you first.

I think that you need to clarify that although mil is welcome to use the holiday home, it belongs to you and dh and therefore you get predominent use of it and that your potential holidays take precendence.

PortiaCabin · 24/03/2010 11:40

Raspberry - have not read all of thread but think that you should at raise your objections. It will always stick in your mind and cause annoyance if you don't say/do anything about it.

We holidayed in the cottage that DH was born in, most of his extensive clan (including some I'd not even heard of let alone met before) turned up for a good nose round - at one point there were several groups traipsing round opening drawers and cupboards! I just stayed in the kitchen making endless cups of tea and coffee for them, fuming.

Who's to say your MIL won't similarly be inviting all her old pals round to snoop, before you get to holiday there yourself.

Pancakeflipper · 24/03/2010 11:47

Ooh I'd feel petty and upset too. It's yours and you should go first... it's the rules!

If you don't want to make an issue of it with her then I like the idea of going before her.

And give your DH a dirty glare for not being petty like us.

giveitago · 24/03/2010 12:16

YANBU in the fact that this wasn't run past you? Do they often do that?

For me it would be less about her staying there before me it would be about the arrangements made over my head.

diddl · 24/03/2010 12:18

I agree with giveitago

If you are going to let others stay, does really matter if they stay first?

Quattrocento · 24/03/2010 12:24

Is the holiday place relatively close - France or Spain or Portugal or Ireland - where it is feasible to nip across for a weekend? If so, I think that's what you should do ...