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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to snatch my baby back from FIL?

40 replies

princessviolet · 23/03/2010 17:14

We don't see him that often but he is one of these people who thinks he has a 'way' with babies.Whenever DD cries he'll say, Give her to me, and just takes her and starts walking up and down singing weird songs with a faraway look in his eyes.It just makes her cry more and I have to fight the urge to snatch her back.She doesn't really know him,and he smells of smoke.Last weekend we went to their house,I was eating lunch and she started grizzling so he just came over and took her,she got more and more upset until finally dh took her.I don't want to say,no you can't hold her.We went out for a walk and he just took the pram.There was a really bumpy path that went down by the river and I said,we'll wait at the top,he said it'll be fine and just kept pushing.I was nearly crying,it was a single file path with big drop on one side and again just wanted to shove him out the way and take the pram which was being bumped about.I do like him and know I'm lucky to have fil who loves his grandchild but wish he would butt out sometimes...don't want to seem like nightmare controlling dil though.

OP posts:

coldtits · 23/03/2010 17:17

Well, don't be a nightmare controlling DIL then! seriously, you couldn't bear him pushing the pram because the road was bumpy? Do you have magical road-flattening ESP?

FabIsGettingThere · 23/03/2010 17:23

I understand a but how you feel as I wanted to take the pram off mil when she was pushing my ds1 but then I did have pnd and lots of other issues.

coldtits - bit harsh. She was obviously worried the pram would go off the edge.

How old is your baby?

diddl · 23/03/2010 17:26

I think if your baby is crying & FIL isn´t settling her, it would be acceptable to take her back.
My MIL always thought she had a "way" with mine

posieparker · 23/03/2010 17:28

Just take control, that's what i did. My PILS are loud and in your face and would frighten any small baby, but they believe they are wonderful with children. So i would just say no and always take crying babies away from them/.

IngridFletcher · 23/03/2010 17:31

My FIL really does have a magical way with babies. It is really odd as he was crap with his own kids seemingly but all his grandchildren adore him.

MamaVoo · 23/03/2010 17:33

I think you are being unreasonable but I'm assuming your baby is very young so you're allowed to be a bit OTT for now. Seriously though, he does sound like a lovely grandad and it doesn't sound as if he's done anything unreasonable. You say that your DD doesn't really know him - well she won't get to know him unless you let him care for her.

bunnylicious · 23/03/2010 17:41

The pram bit wouldn't bother me so much but I hated it when other people tried to soothe DD.

Between the ages of about 3 and 9 months she couldn't bear to be held by anyone but me and DH, or maybe my Mum if she had stayed for a few days and felt happy with her.

The number of people who would just take her off me and then try to console her when she went bonkers, refuse to give her back and just get her more and more upset.

Grrr.

I just used to take her back physically.

Poor baby.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 23/03/2010 17:43

I think it's very reasonable to want to comfort your baby when it's crying. I used to have a family member who would rush to grab ds when he was newborn every time he began to cry before I could get there. Or worse, she used to pass him to her boyfriend who I barely knew, instead of passing him to me.

Used to drive me insane because ds wanted his mum, and I wanted him, so I'd be standing behind them with leaky boobs getting quite distressed while he screamed. They thought they "had a way" too.

I did once actually snatch him off the boyfriend, he was really offended but I didn't give a fuck about his feelings on the matter tbh.

Nor should you, just tell your fil "aaw, he wants his mum, you can have him when I've cheered him up, ok?"

Original poster

princessviolet · 23/03/2010 17:46

thanks all.coldtits-there was a sheer drop on one side of the path which was what was freaking me out,not just the bumpiness.it was VERY bumpy also,I was afraid the pram would tip!

OP posts:

coldtits · 23/03/2010 18:14

Oh all right then, I see your point.

GlendaTheGrizzlyPiggy · 23/03/2010 19:13

YANBU when DS is crying I want him & he wants me. DP's family always used to hang on to him when he was wailing then finally pass him back when he was hysterical, it took forever to calm him down when I eventually got him back. Only DP's auntie understands. She always hands him over saying "Bless he clearly needs his mum". For hangers on I always used to smile, hold my hands out & say "ooh poppet come to mummy." in a firm but breezy tone & it usually worked.

posieparker · 23/03/2010 19:13

I really think all this 'getting to know people ' is horse shit. A baby/child can 'get to know' people without being held. I always take the lead from my children. When they begin to be curious about others then I let them explore. I really don't subscribe to the idea that everyone must hold/pass the baby. My babies needed me and I needed them, they were only held by people that they were comfortable with.....eg. my BIL, who they rarely saw, was calm and quiet and so they loved going to them, my PILs were loud and too much too soon and so they were scared off.

I always followed the belief that I am the advocate for my dcs and until they have their own way of expressing likes/dislikes it was up to me to say it for them.

posieparker · 23/03/2010 19:15

o they loved going to them him, my PILs were

Firawla · 23/03/2010 22:07

yanbu mine is like that too and i find it extremely annoying @ times
if the child screams when u take them and starts to cry, then fgs just put them down or give them back 2 their mum! doesn't take a genius 2 work that out
when the child is clearly distressed and u hav 2 physically grab them out someones arms 2 get them back, it makes u feel as though u have been rude urself by having to grab, which is not nice.. people should just use their brain in the first place
if they relax and dont be so overbearing on the child they would come 2 them happily anyway

SalFresco · 23/03/2010 22:26

MIL is guilty of this...when she last visited, she was holding DS2 who was crying and fretful...I said he was hungry (ie, please give him back so I can feed him) and she told me she didn't think he was, and walked across the room, leaving me with my arms out and tingly boobs!

So I'm going to say YANBU!

Sassybeast · 23/03/2010 22:52

YANBU -I HATE it when DD cried and MIL refused to pass her back, jiggled her manically or started swinging her by her armpits The smoke smell is also a big no no for me.

rasputin · 23/03/2010 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

outnumbered2to1 · 24/03/2010 00:55

my DS2 was a very clingy baby and also very teary baby but he did have dislocated hips and was in Von Rosen splint and then a pavlik harness and was a bit hard to handle but was normally ok as long as he could see where i was.
Due to splint and harness he wasn't comfortable being held up right against someone as pressure was on his wee bottom abd hips and he was comfier lying in your arms.

On one occasion i had to physically wrestle him off my nephews girlfriend who was a trainee nurse (of about all of 3 weeks) and had the cheek to insist I was holding him wrong and the only way to hold him was upright with her hand on his bum.

After finally calming down DS2 and getting him some pain relief i had to be physically held back from flattening the silly little bitch so no i would say YANBU.......

Original poster

princessviolet · 24/03/2010 05:47

yes am breastfeeding,which does give me more of an excuse to take her away.I have a new sling which I will be taking next time we visit to avoid repeat of pram thing!

OP posts:

coralanne · 24/03/2010 07:48

When DGD was about 2 months old, her other grandmother (DD's MIL) picked her up when she wimpered and held her really close to her body and literally jiggled her up and down. Poor DGD was screaming by this stage.

I had to leave the room because I jsut felt like ripping her out of her arms.

So I imagine you must feel ten times worse.

Just be assertieve and say "Thanks for helping but I"ll take her and feed her now"

Babieseverywhere · 24/03/2010 07:48

The sling is a good idea to keep people off the baby.

With my first child I found I had to stand up walk over to my MIL and put my hands out very determinedly to get my child back.

However as a first time new mum I did feel looking back I was being too precious with my baby too. Not wanting anyone to hold her ever

Maybe you could try and encourage your FIL to cuddle DD when she is happy & content and make it clear (via DH if possible) that upset babies belong with their parents. So he understands he must hand baby back if she gets upset.

I always hand babies back at the first sign of a tear, they are not toys but little people and we need to respect their feelings.

pigletmania · 24/03/2010 09:47

Oh dear I was not precious at all, I wanted people to take dd off me, and was proud to show her off and for relatives and friends to hold her. I know its a personal thing especially if the baby is a PFB but I just dont understand it myself. I loved my baby to be passed round realies to be cooed and fussed over, meant that i could have a cup o tea in peace or go to the loo.

I must admit that my dd had colic quite badly so i was gratful for someone to come and take over from me and help besides dh.

BigWeeHag · 24/03/2010 10:10

YANBU. I hated this. MIL kept insisting they had wind, constantly, and would actually turn her back and walk away while vigourously jiggling the poor child. And then look at me accusingly and ask if I'd been eating onions, becasue that would give a baby colic.

She's better now, but it took 3 kids!

notsoteenagemum · 24/03/2010 10:21

My PiL are like this, babies only cry because they've "gotta bitta windies", and they never understood the concept of feeding on demand so would say
"they can't want feeding it's only been three hours" then be amazed when I finally wrestled poor dc back and they were indeed hungry.
That said I'm happy for anyone to cuddle a happy or sleeping baby.

Sonilaa · 24/03/2010 10:41

my mum is like this as well. baby prefers to be upright in MY arms but she insists that the pilot position (on the belly on the arm) is better for babies. plus shes a "natural therapist" and trys to force silly massages and homeopathy on me/my kids which I dont want.
(when I was a child she tried to treat my acute asthma attacs with homeopathy, so I dont think much of it and dont really trust her to have kids on her own. she would rather try homeopathy than calling an amulance/going to a doctor)

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