to want to snatch my baby back from FIL?

[princessviolet]

We don't see him that often but he is one of these people who thinks he has a 'way' with babies.Whenever DD cries he'll say, Give her to me, and just takes her and starts walking up and down singing weird songs with a faraway look in his eyes.It just makes her cry more and I have to fight the urge to snatch her back.She doesn't really know him,and he smells of smoke.Last weekend we went to their house,I was eating lunch and she started grizzling so he just came over and took her,she got more and more upset until finally dh took her.I don't want to say,no you can't hold her.We went out for a walk and he just took the pram.There was a really bumpy path that went down by the river and I said,we'll wait at the top,he said it'll be fine and just kept pushing.I was nearly crying,it was a single file path with big drop on one side and again just wanted to shove him out the way and take the pram which was being bumped about.I do like him and know I'm lucky to have fil who loves his grandchild but wish he would butt out sometimes...don't want to seem like nightmare controlling dil though.

YANBU - trust your instincts - I think as notsoteenagemum says - cuddling a happy or sleeping baby is fine...

however ...
I would be concerned about anyone smelling of smoke wanting to hold my baby.

yep...it's so frustrating when you know you know best how to calm your baby,what positions she likes to be held in etc,and knowing she just wants her mummy....but feeling you don't want to upset person holding her by taking her away.Going to be more assertive from now on,thanks all for giving me courage!

Piglet, I think there's a difference between letting relatives/friends hold a happy or sleeping baby and a relative insisting on keeping hold of a clearly distressed baby that wants it's mother. That is just ignorant imho - babies aren't a toy to be passed round and round (this is why I hate going to PILs - but have got more confident in saying "no" now to the endless "ooh, Uncle X hasn't had a turn")

YANBU

Although curiously the singing thing works a charm for DS, and bumpy roads are his favourite and usually calm him down very well

I wouldn't put up with anyone not returning DS when requested to, promptly...

Most people including gparents are only too happy to hand a screaming baby straight back to its mother. So his behaviour is unusual to say the least.

I would say firmly "I don't like to leave her to scream" and do what you have to to with her. She is your baby and you know her best. A lot of older fathers were very hands off with their own children and I doubt they have the skills to look after a small baby for any length of time.

YaNbu. I had words with dh the other day when he was holding a friend's baby and he started crying (the baby, not dh ). dh kept hold of him and I said "he wants his mum", then afterwards I told him how I felt when people used to keep hold of ds if he was crying. He said he didn't realise and that he would always hand the baby back now - he said he thought he was doing the mum a favour by trying to settle him!

Well Fibolu my dd had colic and even i did not know how to calm her nobody did (im so not good with babies, well dd as a baby anyway), so was grateful for a bit of help, and for someone to take her off me for a bit tbh, not everyone has a calm baby.

I just wished the time to come when she would be rid of it and i could enjoy her more, I also had PND so was really grateful of any help from realatives and friends.

Im Mediterranean and I know that in our culture we are more relaxed about it all and seem less precious, its the norm for baby to be passed around the relatives for them to coo over, does not mean they are a toy, must be a cultural thing too.

My lovely aunt came to stay last week, she is an ex health visitor and very into baby massage she is wonderful with babies/young children. She totally ignored dd2 (18 months) and chatted and listened to dd1 (3). Eventually dd2 crawled over of her own accord and only then did my aunt pay her gentle attention. She said its best to let the baby come to the new person in their own time, they shouldnt be forced to interact with anyone not familiar.. Wish all relatives were like her

YANBU- my stress levels always rose alarmingly when any of mine were crying and I couldn't get to them for other (well-meaning!) people in the way!!

I think if you smile nicely at your FIL when you are explaining that sometimes your dd just needs her mum- no offence, he will take it ok. That way it's not as if you are snatching her back crossly (which you may be doing deep down, but a nice smile goes a long way!)

Kerala1 I heard that too, my dd now 3 is a little shy, and my sIL mum who is a retired SEN teacher said the same thing to me, not to force her to interact just let her in her own time do the interacting, which dd does eventually once she gets to know people. Now she has started nursery everyday her confidence has inproved so much.

of course op its your baby at the end of the day and you have to do what feels right for you and your lo, I am just giving my own view and opionion. I must be a bad bad mummy . I just could nmot cope with holding a coliky dd who would cry and cry and could not be consoled.

piglet, I think we're talking apples and oranges here. Your dd had bad colic, you were stressed and tired, and understandably appreciative of help. Nothing wrong with that, you're in no way a bad mum!

But I think the majority of us are talking about when small babies cry because of normal needs like when they're hungry and instead of you being able to deal with their needs quickly therefore heading off a meltdown, someone else picks them up who may not even be able to soothe them (for example if they need to be bf) and won't give them back to their anxious mothers because they're convinced they "have a way with babies" and can settle them themselves. And short of spontaneously lactating, they really can't!

I remember holding my nephews and nieces when they were babies way way before dd and when they cried or pooped i so wanted to hand themn back to mum or dad. You do get the relatives wanting to 'help' especially in the Med culture where they all want to coo over and hold the baby.