...specifically, the situation with regards to his parents and his brother. (V. long, sorry!!)
As background: My MIL (lovely lady!) had a massive stroke three years ago, which left her wheelchair bound and unable to speak.
My FIL, used to relying completely on MIL to organise the house, food shopping, bills etc, went completely to pieces, to the point where the house was a disaster and the business he owns and runs was in real trouble. He's talented at the actual skill of the business, but hopeless at the book-keeping, tax paying etc etc side.
DH and I bailed him out, as family does, both financially with the business (something which left us financially shaky ourselves and which has resulted in me being back at work despite my DD being only eight weeks old!) and practically and emotionally with all the stuff regarding the long term care for my MIL, the housework etc etc.
And, all through this, my DH's middle brother, who is nearly forty and still living at home, sat on his duff, 'traumatised' by his mother's stroke, and did nothing.
Now, to be clear, DH father is not MIL's first husband. DH is her youngest child - my two BIL are older and by a different man. They are my FIL step-sons in effect, although there has never been anything formal in place.
Middle BIL hates my FIL, supposedly because he mistreated my MIL. (In ten years+ of being with my DH, I've never seen any evidence of this and DH says he never saw it either, as does elder BIL)
To this end, as soon as my MIL had the stroke, middle BIL took it upon himself to collect up all her bank cards and personel papers etc and 'take charge' of them. He changed all MIL's pin numbers, so that he was the only one who had access. Him, not my FIL.
Both MIL's pension and all her DLA get paid into the account in her name, not my PIL's joint account. This means my FIL has no access to this, despite paying out several hundred pounds a week in carer costs etc.
BIL also still lives in PIL house, not contributing at all. He's self-employed as a driving instructor, so makes his own working hours, yet, not once, in three years, has he taken his mother out for the day. He's never once taken her to a hospital appointment - leaving my DH and me to take her (and take time off work) or FIL to manage it by closing his business for the day and pay for taxi's.
He pays no rent or housekeeping, but complains that FIL keeps forgetting to buy specific items for him. He does no domestic work. The one night a week he's supposed to make MIL's tea, he orders pizza from the local indian takeaway.
My FIL is miserable and stressed and keeps asking me what he should do. He doesn't feel he can throw BIL out because he is MIL's son. MIL is miserable, because she knows what's happening but is powerless to change it.
Things came to a head this past week, when FIL birthday passed without so much as a card from BIL (or MIL, because BIL thought FIL didn't deserve one from her!) and then FIL was admitted to hospital.
Despite being in the house when the ambulance came, BIL didn't think it necessary to contact my DH, who is, besides my MIL, my FIL only next of kin. He sent a no-longer-young, rather sick man into hospital alone, and told no-one.
We found out when we went round on Sunday evening as we normally do, and FIL wasn't there. MIL was in pieces; BIL's comment when I lost my temper with him (and I admit I shouldn't have!) was 'who cares what happens to him?'
DH was upset, but said nothing to his brother, as he hasn't for the past three years.
AIBU to think he has to sit down with his brother and sort all this out? If not now, when? Is he intending to let one of his parents die before he deals with the issue? Am I wrong to think it would be disastrous if he did, whichever way round it was?
DH says he can't 'deal with it right now' (his refrain on the topic for three years now!) and that, if I'm so worried 'I should do it myself' but I don't think I have the right, and that it has to come from him. To begin with, I think there are legal ramifications to some of this, and that's certainly not something I should be involved with.
Sorry for the length of the post... there's a lot of water under this bridge and more with each passing day.