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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my son in nursery because I cant cope with him?

34 replies

fernie3 · 22/03/2010 08:02

I did post on here a while ago about my husband being unhappy at work and threatning to quit his job. In my post back then I was horrified and had this image of us having no money being homeless etc.
Well a while ago he quit, didnt even work out his notice (with their blessing). However instead of sitting at home moaning and whining all day (as I had expected) he set himself up as self employed doing the same job he was doing in his job before just at home (he is a web developer/programmer he doesnt do graphics design but does all the codey bits).

He has had LOADS of work in but the problem is (and the problem he has had at work) that he has HUGE problems with organization and concentration and so requires me to look at the work coming in, plan the project, keep him on track through the day and throughout the day keep the progress updated. I have also been dealing with all of the enquiries, money,bank things and official things. I also have three children the youngest are 3 and 1 so still at home.

In the last couple of months I have had so much fun doing this - I have really enjoyed having something to plan and wake up for and we are better off financially so I feel like I am actually achieving something with my time, I left university and got married striaght away then had three children so I have neevr done anything like that before!.

The work I have been doing is NOT full time. It takes maybe 3 or 4 hours out of a day so I dont NEED fulltime childcare especially as those hous can be split up through the day to be an hour here, half an hour there. My two daughter (aged 5 and 1) are NO problem I can easily manage them during the day.

My son who is 3 is even worse than his father when it comes to concentration and just the sheer activity level he spends all of his waking hours in a constant whirl of activity, he is loud and reall needs 100% of your attention he has accidents or just does silly things (drinking weed killer from a LOCKED cupboard and sticking an orange pom pom up his nose are just two of his long list of "incidents"). We have been reffered to some "early intervention team" about his development and behaviour as he has had trouble with assessments and delays etc but until he starts school it seems theres not a huge amount we can do.

I manage him just about when I have all day with him, when I have to split my attention it doesnt work, I just cant cope with him.

I am now thinking about putting him in fulltime nursery or at least school hours 9-3:30. we already do this two days a week but at the moment its not enough especially since I have been pregnant as I have been tired anyway. He has a one to one keyworker at nursery and at this point I feel like he is better off there than here with me, all I do is try and control him whereas at nursery the keyworker actually seems to manage to do things with him (he even started holding a pencil which he has never done before even though he is 3.5!).

I always thought I would keep my children with me (apart from a morning here and there) but now I am just re evaulating and wondering if it is unreasonable to put him in nursery all day just because I cant cope at home?

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 22/03/2010 08:04

Sounds like he'd get a lot out of going to nursery. I think you are looking at it the wrong way. It's not actually about you not coping, it's more about him doing well in the nursery and you working.

pearlym · 22/03/2010 08:06

Sounds as though you are trying to do too much, by 3 there are state run nurseries where kids can get 2.5 hours every day - this is great for them adn actaully prob better than being at home all the time.seems to me, particularly with boys, need so much stimulation that part time nursery settigns, if good quality are the answer.

Tortington · 22/03/2010 08:07

sounds good to me

flyingdolphin · 22/03/2010 08:10

Send him to nursery and don't feel guilty

tingelingle · 22/03/2010 08:11

Hi, I put my DD into nursery for 2 mornings a week at 7 mo because I needed some space from her. I felt guilty about that but actually I totally agree with what rainbow says about looking at it from the other angle. Think about whether your DS will enjoy himself. My DD now loves nursery and has really blossomed there. She doesn't want to leave when I pick her up and now I'm having to withdraw her (budget!), I actually feel guilty about that!

Your DS will get to work out his energy, you'll get to help your DH with the business and you'll be a happier family.

Shaz10 · 22/03/2010 08:11

I see motherhood as making sure the child/ren are taken care of. Whether that means doing it all yourself all day every day or getting someone else to do some/all of it matters not a jot.

It also seems like he is getting a lot when he is there. I think it sounds like a good plan.

Tiredmumno1 · 22/03/2010 08:14

Why dont you give it a trial period of a couple of weeks, if it doesnt work out then you can take him back out. And on the other hand you may be surprised and it might be the best choice you have made.

SPBInDisguise · 22/03/2010 08:17

not unreasonable in the slightest - my DS needs a lot of tiring out, couldn't cope if he wasnt at nursery 2x a week, even though im on ML. i don't feel guilty, he loves it & i get lots done, also gt to do 'baby' things with dd

TotalChaos · 22/03/2010 08:19

yeah, talk to nursery about putting his hours up, given he seems to be doing well there, and his keyworker sounds to have a "way" with him. Re;early intervention etc - feel free to come over to the SN board if you want to discuss this further, it's not just for parents of kids with diagnoses/really serious problems.

gtamom · 22/03/2010 08:19

It won't hurt to try, sounds like he thrives there so far.

ABetaDad · 22/03/2010 08:25

He will be absolutley fine in nursery. Both our DSs have been in since age 1 from 8.30 - 5.00 every day. It is a good start to school life.

Both are happy confident well mannered boys and did them no harm.

ABetaDad · 22/03/2010 08:27

Oh and before anyone asks why they have bene in nursery somuch. The reason is that DW and me work at home so we found we had exactly teh sameproblem as the OP. It really is near impossible to work at home and lookafter children. One or other or both suffers and no one is happy.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 22/03/2010 08:59

Go for it, DH and I both work from home, some days we are really qquiet bit others very busy, DC's go 8 until 3 for continuity and like the routine and the attention they get there.

skinsl · 22/03/2010 09:05

sounds like a great plan.

Mishy1234 · 22/03/2010 09:08

I would definitely increase his hours and see how it goes. He sounds as if he really thrives in a nursery environment and is getting a lot out of the time he already goes.

It's nothing that can't be changed if it doesn't work for you/him or if your circumstances change.

Skegness · 22/03/2010 09:08

Go for it. Sounds like a win-win situation.

belgo · 22/03/2010 09:10

You are working for your husband and I think this should be legally recognised for your own benefit. If he is independent then he would have set up his own business in effect and you are an employee. I don't think you should just be the wife who is helping out I think you should be on the pay roll.

EggyAllenPoe · 22/03/2010 09:11

sounds like you need p&Q in your house, and your son needs plenty of activity...nursery = good solution...

no need to feel bad about it, hopefuly he'll come back good and tired having had fun with the other kids.

5DollarShake · 22/03/2010 09:14

Definitely at least try it. It sounds like the best option for both of you. And don't feel bad!

WoTmania · 22/03/2010 09:17

YANBU - you're working, you wouldn't go to an office with him would you?

EggyAllenPoe · 22/03/2010 09:21

and well done your Dh

zazen · 22/03/2010 09:23

fernie3 - why are you feeling guilty about not being able to look after your child when you are obviously working? Join the gang!

I hope your DH and you have set up your own limited company, and have got your own personal liability sorted in the meantime - you don't want to lose your home if you are sued.
Do you use contracts? Are they bullet proof for their terms of service TOC agreements.

I ask as we have a similar set up - my DH and I have run our own business for 15 years.

Go on a course for accountancy and other courses - marketing and sales also.

Have an accountant go over all the things you will need to do and by what date - the first years are usually so rushed and busy, it's easy to overlook the business end of running a business IYKWIM. Pick a solicitor's brains also. Talk about networking to your local agencies.

Don't feel guilty about sorting out your childcare to suit your working life.

Good luck in growing your business! Hope you can get an office that's not too far away from home if you're cramped!

LisaD1 · 22/03/2010 10:02

I think you should send him to nursery and don't feel guilty about it, he will benefit hugely from the activities/change of scenery/socialising with new friends etc.

I am a cm but I still send my DD (2yrs 4months) to pre-school for 2 sessions a week as she is absolutely bright as a button and very demanding, it does us both the world of good. I've had comments from family but couldn't care less, I'm doing what is right for me/my DD/my family. I actually get a chance to breath for a few hours a week!

Sounds like it would be great for your son.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/03/2010 10:05

YANBU

and since you will be working you may get some tax credits to help with the childcare costs.

PorphyrophillicPixie · 22/03/2010 10:13

Nursery sounds like it'd be good for him definately, but for some extra hours, have you considered a mother's help? Or even contacting you local college and seeing if they need more places to put students into for placements? An extra hand around the house may be handy and allow them to do more activities with the children whilst you work and get some housework done