To think that dh's nights out "marketing" are not work?

[chickenwings]

My DH goes out 2 to 3 nights every week "marketing". This is his word for going out with clients and getting pissed. It drives me mental because he comes home late, totally sozzled and falls into bed half-clothed and snores. He says it is essential to him getting ahead and that he hates it but that it is an essential part of his job. He says he has to drink when he goes out because that is what is required. He does have a high pressure job in the City and says that this is the norm there but I am very doubtful. He spends about £400 a month "marketing" and generally he cannot claim this back on expenses.

Aw bless him. Poor lamb having to go out and drink. Bollocks. All this expected crap. What is he, 12?

Tell him to sleep somewhere else if he is going to come home drunk.

He did have to sleep in the shed once because I locked the door, he forgot his keys and he couldn't wake me up

It's true that there are some jobs where entertaining clients is expected.

he doesn't have to get shitfaced though - that's his call.

i do alot of similar marketing on my job in the city (or did until a little while ago - now on maternity leave).

you dont have to drink yourself stupid though having a drink with clients/colleagues is usually expected. i never found that pacing myself so i didnt get hammered or sticking to softer options after an initial drink was particularily commented on. most people didnt even notice.

The bit about spending £400 p/m and not being able to claim it back though is concerning. All of my marketing expenses are claimable otherwise it is not marketing. Its drinking with my mates.

That said some places in the city have really alcohol based blokey cultures where people are truly expected to work hard and drink harder. THey are a dying breed and they wont be missed once they are gone in my opinion.

So no, YANBU i think.

Agree with Nancy - he may well have to go out and entertain clients. Entirely his choice about how much he drinks.

2-3 nights a week is a lot though imo.

"It's true that there are some jobs where entertaining clients is expected."

...and when the do they have an expense account...

if he is expected to do this, surely it should be expensable. The fact that it's not makes me think that it's not all it seems.

Also the being wasted - it might be seen to be odd that he doesn't drink -if he feelshe can't then he should drink slower, but there are plenty of reasons for not drinking, why is he so funny about it?

´Does he actually get any work from any clients?

I think he´s spinning you a bit of a line tbh.

I didn't read the part about him not getting expenses.

How can his employers justify this? !

Sorry, should be clearer in my post as on re-reading it, I think it sounds like I am defending your DH - I'm not!

What I meant to say was that if his job demands that he entertains clients (and many jobs do), then he doesn't have to get pissed every time. He can make the mature, responsible choice and have a moderate amount to drink (or no drink at all) and still do his job. I am sure that getting pissed is not an essential part of his role.

Sugarplum does have a point about expenses too - when I have worked in those sorts of environments in the past, any money spent entertaining clients could be claimed back. I would question what he was spending 400 quid on that couldn't be claimed back if I were you.

The going out with clients etc is the norm as far as I know. But DH manages to do it and not get pissed so that isn't necessary.

In fact I suspect DH deliberately gets them pissed and stays sober himself, because that makes a lot more sense business wise.

And yes there is an expense account for just this sort of thing - I wouldn't be happy if he was spending our money to do so.

Also, why would anyone want to do business with someone who is drunk? In a client / sales role, you would expect to have a few drinks, but would not be impressed with someone who has to get drunk each time.

Or is this to do with drinking with colleagues? And trying to be part of some in crowd in the hope of future promotions/bonuses?

There are lots of jobs in the city where entertaining clients is expected. There are none where the cost of that comes out of our own pocket.

If he's with clients for genuine business reasons the company would pay. If some of the expenses aren't covered, then he's not working. Sorry.

Also, "entertaining" might mean having a drink, it doesn't need to mean getting off your face, in fact that would usually be frowned upon - what business are you going to do if you can't string a sentence together?

YANBU. I work in a City firm and there is no way we'd ever be expected to go out and entertain clients on our own money. He's a liar.

Maybe I am being naive here but getting shitfaced when out with clients doesn't sound very professional. Sounds to me like he is talking out of his arse.

I don´t see how getting p!ssed with clients will further his career tbh.

I have had several jobs like this but although I drank I never got drunk - I got my clients drunk and it was always claimed back in expenses.

I think maybe his evening starts out as marketing but clients go home and he stays for a piss up with colleagues/mates.

It is interesting to hear that marketing is common, but how much is usual?

I used to do DH's accounts for a year which is when I started chasing him about the £ he was spending on marketing. He has now stopped me from seeing his accounts so I don't know how much he is spending.

It is obviously an alcohol based blokey culture but I don't understand how he can do his job properly after a night out. I think he drinks too much anyway because he drinks every day. When he is at home he drinks on his own, anything from one can to a bottle and a half of wine. What's the point?

It sounds as though he could be a functioning alcoholic, or on his way to becoming one.

The fact that he is hiding it all from you is concerning me too. You are his wife! DH and I have access to all of each other's spending, we are a partnership and we owe that to each other as a mark of respect.

Um, if he can't put it on expenses then it is not client-entertaining, it is going out on the lash. Sounds like he is hiding something to me.

Yup, as said: if he can't claim it back it's neither expected nor part of his job.

He's coming home too drunk to even undress properly, three times a week? And when he's home he drinks up to a bottle and a half of wine a night? And he drinks every day?

When you confront him, he hides his accounts and claims that the job requires that level of drinking.

You are married to an alcoholic, I'm afraid. His relationship with alcohol is more important than his relationship with you.

Well tortoise you certainly put it in black and white for me! It is weird reading it like that. It really does sound bad when you spell it out.

I know he has a bit of a drinking problem but feel as if I am overreacting about his behaviour whenever I moan about it which is why I am checking what other people think on here! DH's drinking is loads better than it used to be so I feel grateful for that. However, I just keep waiting for him to do something so bad that I will snap.

When I have snapped in the past it has been a waste of energy. Once I took the kids and went to my parents but then had to go back home after a few days because my parents couldn't cope with me living with then. Another time I asked DH to leave and he refused saying it was his house.

Nothing I say is going to change his drinking/going out. He has to decide he wants to change.

However, apart from the drinking and going out, DH is lovely. Is it better to stay for the sake of the kids and just put a brave face on it or go through the agony of breaking up after 10 years of marriage, look after the 3 dcs on my own and hope that life will be better?

PS For me, divorce would make me feel like a failure and a traitor because I haven't stuck to my vows