To be livid with DH?

[redandyellowandpinkandgreen]

He went out yesterday to go to a gig. I knew as I dropped him off near the train station he wouldn't go. He would have had to get the train, wait for a lift, stayed over at a friend's the night, oh the effort of all that, puff sigh, too hard. So I asked him to call me when he got there.

He didn't call.

I called him, several times, he didn't answer. Eventually (like 4 hours after I dropped him off) he sent a text saying he would be home soon. Then he came home and said he couldn't be bothered to go to the gig so hadn't. He had been in pub.

I am fuming on several levels:

1. His 'can't-be-botherdness' about things, he let people down over this, he would have enjoyed it if he had gone but he would rather sit in the local pub.

1. His ignoring my calls, and he was definitely ignoring. I hate the thought of him sitting in the pub pulling faces and ignoring my calls, although admittedly this may be my imagination.

1. He lied about going, he says it wasn't a lie and he fully intended to go but I knew he wouldn't, he didn't even take an overnight bag FFS.

I am SO cross today I can hardly breathe with it. Overreaction or justified?

Why are you cross? I dont get it.

Why would he say he wanted to go out and then not go?

What do his friend's think?

I'm not sure I'd be that bothered if Dh said he was going to be out over night and then wasn't, but if I was his mate going to the gig, I'd be mighty pissed off.

I dunno. All sounds a bit, well, odd. really.

Pregnancy hormones??

I feel like he lied about it and ended up in the pub instead, like it was an excuse just to go to the pub. We could have gone out or done something instead, or he could have just said he wanted a night in the pub but instead we had this big drama about going to a gig that he never intended to go to.

Oh and the ignoring my calls bit, that drives me mad It would have taken 30 seconds for him to call and say he had decided not to go and would be back later.

Do you believe he simply went to the pub and then came home?

I'd be annoyed too. It's inconsiderate and disrespectful to you and the people he was supposed to go with also if he brought a ticket it's a waste of money which would make me very annoyed.

Otoh it's his life and if he didn't want to go or couldn't be bothered to go well it's him that missed out and he's had some time to himself so you should have some time off too if you want to.

Next time when the chance to do something fun/ out of the ordinary comes along I think you should leave him with dc's and go off and enjoy it on his behalf at least then one of you is enjoying yourselves.

Ahhh pregnant..............in that case the thing top of my list to be annoyed about would be the not answering the phone, what if something has happened and you needed him? Answering the phone is a must when you have a pregnant DW imo.

Agree - it's very odd. I'd be annoyed if DH did this, because it would mean he'd let down his friends and he'd left me to look after our 3 on my own instead of doing something together as a family. Different if he'd said "I really don't want to go to the gig, but would love a few hours to myself" instead, but the lying to everyone, and ignoring my phone calls, would really piss me off.

I'd not be angry - but not OK with this - why couldn't he just say he didn't want to go? Why did the OP KNOW he wouldn't go.

Maybe I am thinking about this too deeply, but it would get to me that he would lie about something so trivial.

you are overreacting

but i do hate it when dp doesn't answer his phone so i agree with you on that point

hariomosmummy oh yes definitely! He was pissed and came back with a curry! Wasn't up to anything else.

He hates having to 'report' in to me. I think a 30 second phone call would have sorted it all and don't see how that is so inconvenient?

Ok, but at best, you have to make him understand that you are PG and you do NEED him to be there for you.

My DH could be there (works abroad) so I had a doula who was always there for me.

But, when you are PG, you need someone who is there for you if you ever need it.

Good luck.

Who did he go to the pub and for a curry with then?

It's not inconvenient - but it's rude and inconsiderate not to pick up the phone. DH does this - for example, he'll say he's off to B and Q, will go to our local one, they don't have what he's looking for and so will decide to take off to the one on the other side of the city. I'm expecting him back about half an hour later, and 3 hours later he reappears with his DIY spoils. Meanwhile I've spent that time imagining the worst, and he just can't see the need to phone

I just KNEW because of past perfomance I guess. Once he realised he would have to get the train I could see him rapidly going off the idea as it was too much effort. So lazy. I printed the train times off for him and he didn't even take it and he didn't know what train he would be getting, it was blindingly obvious.

I used to work in a bar and would see men all the time ignoring their phones and sighing about their DWs phoning them and I hate the thought that I am that irritating woman, being ignored because it's just easier that way. I don't expect him to skip with joy each time he speaks to me, and I certainly don't phone him a lot, but I do expect him to just answer and let me know what he is up to.

Yabu to be livid, does it really matter that much what he did on his night out? It's his choice surely? And calling several times to check where he is is a bit ott.

But you are pregnant so excused!

Oh god. Just don't tell me I have to apologise.

I think that expecting him to call or "check in" is a bit, um, parental. It would piss me off, tbh. But I understand why it winds you up if he won't answer the phone.

was he with mates drinking all that time or on his own

if he was on his own I'd say he had an alcohol problem tbh

why are you printing off train times for him? youre not his mother!

I have to say I really don't get this need for wives and partners to obsessively ring their other halves when they're not together.

Who said anything about obsessively? The OP asked him to call her once when he got there. That's hardly obsessive!

Stuffed I was on the PC so I printed off the times for him. I hardly think that's mothering! It's okay to do thoughtful things for each other sometimes you know.

He was in the pub with his mates, it's his local so he knows lots of people in there. Then he got a takeaway curry on the way home. It's not that I object to, he can go out if he wants no problem, it's the not bothering to tell me that annoyed me.

But why?

You thought he was going to a gig - he went to the pub instead. Why is that a big deal?

did you need to call him when he was out? Would really irritate me if DH called me all the time when I was on an evening out. If I'm out then I want to be chatting to my friends, not on the phone the whole time to the person I live with. I just leave DH too it when he goes out, unless I suppose if I actually needed to speak to him urgently.

can see why you'd be mildly irritated by the whole gig thing. Are you sure he was lying as opposed to just being indecisive? I know plenty of men who wouldn't really bother with an 'overnight bag' if they are just staying somewhere for one night