'Grandma says i'm fat mummy' says 3yr old DD

[emmajlh]

My 3 yr old is looked after one day per week by her grandparents (my in laws).

i appreciate this is a bit of a generational issue. I'm also very aware of the potential impact comments like this can have on a young girl.

i've never been skinny but my mum would also never have said comments like this to me as a child. which is probably why as an adult i think i have a positive body image (i'm curvy) and i want the same for my daughter.

the first mention of this from my daughter i responded with, no you're not you're just right honey. i mentioned it to my husband for him to say something to his mum - he said he would but never did.

she has come out with this a few times and each time i reassurre her that she is absolutely beautiful, everyone is different and that she isn't fat.

i've just had baby #2 so she has spent a lot more time at grandparents as i've been in hospital days and days. yesterday she said to daddy she didn't want porridge because she didn't want to get fat.

aghhh!!!

my husband didn't quite know what to say. he is reluctant to draw too much attention to it incase - with our daughter incase it gives her a complex.

would really appreciate some advice on how best to tackle this.

many thanks

he needs to grow a pair and tell his parents to stop making that comment to your daughter.

i really think you need to talk with your mil , i would be livid if my mil spoke to my dd like that , theres no way i would let this go tbh

How awful, poor you, and your poor daughter. You are absolutely right that this needs to be dealt with and I urge you to do it - it can be very damaging for a little girl (for anyone) to hear things like that.

You need to address it with your husband's mother: if he won't, you must (but really he needs to grow a pair). It is completely NOT OK to say things like that to your dd, and she (your MiL) needs to know that, and to agree to stop. Be absolutely clear, and absolutely firm.

On the issue of handling your daughter's responses to what's been said already - I feel a bit inexperienced here, what you've already said to her sounds good to me, but I expect other people can give you guidance here too.

Good luck: this is really difficult, it's hard to confront your MiL, especially when she's helping you out by looking after your dd, but your dd is too important to let it go.

Agree with different id and if he won't then you need to say something.

In fact I'm not sure I would actually let my mil look after dd if I thought she was saying things like this. Certainly, I would not mince my words in discussing it with her.

I am at this tbh! This is totally unacceptable and your dh needs some backbone and to talk to his mum about what she is saying. Whats more important, they health of his dd or his mothers feelings . If he wont I would talk to her if i were you, no need to be rude or nasty just say that what is this dd coming home from you telling me she is fat, has that anything to do with you?

When my gran started saying that my DC were fat, I told her I wouldn't bring them to see her anymore unless she STFU. Your MIL needs to be told in no uncertain terms it is unacceptable for her to say this to your DC and that you will find alternative childcare for them if she continues.

Sorry it is a subject about which I feel very passionately

and say to MIL that this is unacceptable and that you wont be leaving her with her if she continues this. I would not if anyone told my dd she was fat! It could store up problems later on and mabey eating disorders, I have heard of very young children having hang ups about their bodies when they should not at all!

I have had serious words with my mother over this. Between her and her sisters they made my life a misery as a child and, although I take responsibility for the amount of food I shovel in now (I am fat, I wasn't then), the comments started when I was about 10, we would dress up to go out for a posh dinner once a year and they would make horrible comments when I came downstairs ready to go and it went on all my life.

I will not let them do the same to dd. My mother thinks I am joking or overreacting when I say I won't hesitate to stop her contact with dd. Already she has made comments when dd was about 12 months about her being fat (she was and still is dead on the 50th centile). I am not having this from her and I would be coming down on your MIL like a ton of bricks.

I think the grandmother is well out of order. Your DH needs to have a word. And quickly. Perhaps get the grandma to make positive comments to counter the negative ones.

My MIL and FIL made constant comments about my DS's weight but he's only 5.5 months. However I explained to my DH that they had better stop it before he was old enough to understand (although he might turn out skinny) and that I found it upsetting. He had a chat with them and now they are much better.

It's not quite the same but I think it demonstrates that things like this can and should be nipped in the bud.

What is your relationship like with your MIL? Is there s way you can raise this with her in a light hearted way?I'd probably do that as your DH clearly isn't going to grow a pair anytime soon by which time the "fat" message could be too engrained to erase from your DD's mind.

Your MIL probably thinks she's "helping" in some way. If you/DH can get her to see it's not that might make her think twice.

If she was saying your DD was stupid you wouldn't put up with it, so I'd get I nipped in the bud quickly.

I'll be honest I don't see this as a generational issue, calling someone fat's always been seen as extremely rude as far as I'm aware.

Your dh has to make her know that it is completely unacceptable. As for 'giving her a complex' if it's made a fuss of? What the hell is the MIL doing if not creating an issue?

you need to spell it out to your rude mother-in-law, explain why it is a stupid thing to say to a child

For me it would be totally unacceptable for the person looking after my child to tell her she is fat, even if she were overweight in reality.

Does your child have a healthy diet and lots of exercise? Is she over the ideal weight for her height? If so you could discuss a way forward with your MIL who may be quite supportive.

If your child is NOT overweight then I think you should ask your MIL directly why she thinks your dd is fat and make it clear that although you are grateful that she looks after dd and respect that she may have different views to you that telling dd she is fat is completely unacceptable and non-negotiable for you. I think the best way forward is for you to talk to MIL on your own but for your dh to make it clear if it comes up that he is in complete agreement with you on this.

Utterly unacceptable - the poor child will have a complex thanks to "D"GM if she carries on! Your DH really needs to stamp on this asap - tell him if he won't do it, then you will because you are not having your DD adversely affected by such stupidity any more.

Good luck.

In this situation I would be saying something to my MIL AND I would expect my DH to say it also (if it did not stop) Sorry but don;t muck about with this.....as an ex anorexic, these can be extremely damaging comments even in a very young child.

Agree with the others. Is dh not angry with his mum? My partner would be livid, I think.

At the risk of getting flamed, but is your daughter overweight? Does she get lots of sweet treats, soda, etc. from you and your family? Earthstar is right.

I think if a child is getting overweight yet the parents are in denial because they are big themselves, then it will invariably lead to a very unhappy child because peers will not handle her with silk gloves IYSWIM.

However, I think it is out of order to call her 'fat' and bring it up all the while. What's the matter with your MIL?

We cannot all be waif-like elves, we all come in different shapes and sizes...though I still believe that no child should be fat, especially pre puberty where the hormones haven't kicked in yet.

thanks. this has really helped and i think i'll tackle it rather than DH so that the message is loud and clear and not diluted down.

if I were you I would definitely talk to the MIL about this. It's just worth finding out whether she has said something like 'aren't you lovely and fat' or something that's meant to be positive, and it is actually your dd who has the negative view of fatness. I think it's unlikely but would always talk rather than go in all guns blazing when acting on a report by a child.

Having said that, yes I think absolutely it needs nipping in the bud, whether or not your dd actually has a weight problem - that would be good to nip in the bud too, if so.

Just to add, if dd showed any sign of being overweight then of course I would take subtle action (she's only 2.2yo) I don't want her to end up like me, but it won't take the form of name calling and criticism which achieves nothing except a bad body image, no self confidence and probaby weight gain. That's a self fulfilling prophesy.

I'm with chooseyfloosy.

I actually used to be jealous of my brother's podge as my doting grandma would always squawk "Oh look at that lovely fat baby! Isn't he fat! oh my, he's such^ a lovely dumpling!"

She called him fat until he was about 4, at which point he wasn't fat at all. She felt that being a bit fat was a positive thing for a small child, as did many of her generation, so do probe gently before bludgioning a well meaning granny to death.

I'm interested to find out where a 3 year old picked up the idea that being fat is so awful.

choosy I think that's very wise - perhaps there might be a generational thing here, in the sense that children now (especially girls) are relentlessly bombarded with negative representations of 'fatness' in a way that I think was not the case for earlier generations, so relatively innocent comments have the potential for much more damage than was once the case.

At any rate, that might be a good way of broaching it with the MiL in order not to make things too confrontational from the get-go - and tbh, I'd avoid a 'light-hearted' approach, too. This is not a lightweight situation: treat it with the seriousness you want your MiL to take your point.

The word toxic springs to mind. I would not want my children to be around anyone who makes negative comments about how they look. I pulled one of my dds out of ballet when she was 5 because the ballet teacher always made comments that they were eating too much or 'always eating' (they had just had a day at school and where eating a sandwich!)

"fat" didn't used to be a negative comment to make to a small child, Electra. That's a modern thing. 30 or 40 years ago, it was a positive thing (and who amongst us still secretly likes to see a little podge on a baby although we know it's forbidden to say so?)

From my own experience I have a bulemic mother, and she has always - even when DD was newborn gone on about how her body was - skinny (approval), sticks of legs (approval), and mine during pregnancy (general horror and disapproval) -[but that's another matter.]
Now when my DD is going through a growth spurt, my own mother calls her fat, "oh, look, she's getting fat",

I have told my own mother to STFU in no uncertain terms about making body focussed comments to my DD. and if I hear one [narrows eyes] that's it - OUT the door mother goes.
Personal body focussed coments are something she now knows I will not tolerate in any form.
She knows the rules.

Eating disorders are so easy to pick up - not so easy to get rid of:
electra I have also pulled my DD (5yo) out of a ballet class that was too focussed on ''the (thin) line'' and not on the movement and having fun through dancing. I told the teacher why I was pulling DD out and told other parents also: there was a bit of an exodus, as they took their DDs out also.

It's just too risky to expoxe your Dd to that kind of abuse. OP I suggest you have a firm word to your MIL and get your DH to also. Eating disorders have destroyed my mother's life, and her view of the world is twisted, but I draw the line at her infecting my DD. I had enough of it when I was growing up, and know the harm it causes.

OP if your DH seems no harm in his mother's comments, or wishes to bury his head in the sand in the hope it will all blow over and go away, it, remind him how very expensive therapy is for those suffering from an eating disorder, and what a sensless waste of human life an eating disorder is. HTH

coldtits and aquavit - think that is where my dh is coming from. i'm a southerner and he is a northerner (we live in north, though lets not turn this convo into a north south thing). he says that when he was a child and his parents where children they were always having food 'shovelled' into them (his words!). it was all pies and butter etc. noone on his side of the family is fat or has ever been fat - probably because they were all v active.

my gran and mum have always been extremely health consious - my mum has her own restaurant and takes great pride in serving healthy food and took a lot of pride in serving me and my brother and sister healthy well balanced meals as children.

DHs mum (grandma) was a PE teacher and i can recall conversations back when she was still teaching and dh and i were dating about some girl in netball being 'ever so large'.