'Grandma says i'm fat mummy' says 3yr old DD

[emmajlh]

My 3 yr old is looked after one day per week by her grandparents (my in laws).

i appreciate this is a bit of a generational issue. I'm also very aware of the potential impact comments like this can have on a young girl.

i've never been skinny but my mum would also never have said comments like this to me as a child. which is probably why as an adult i think i have a positive body image (i'm curvy) and i want the same for my daughter.

the first mention of this from my daughter i responded with, no you're not you're just right honey. i mentioned it to my husband for him to say something to his mum - he said he would but never did.

she has come out with this a few times and each time i reassurre her that she is absolutely beautiful, everyone is different and that she isn't fat.

i've just had baby #2 so she has spent a lot more time at grandparents as i've been in hospital days and days. yesterday she said to daddy she didn't want porridge because she didn't want to get fat.

aghhh!!!

my husband didn't quite know what to say. he is reluctant to draw too much attention to it incase - with our daughter incase it gives her a complex.

would really appreciate some advice on how best to tackle this.

many thanks

I guess you need to explain to your dh that it is potentially damaging for her to hear it, then. But it doesn't sound as if his mum does think 'fat' is a compliment, really. At any rate, I guess the key is not to be confrontational, but to be clear about what you want (you really, truly are right!), and explain why.

Awful, what a mean thing to say. I think it is generational as well, my grandmother (maternal) is very much 'of a breed', very tiny, bird like, refined etc. Her husband was 6'8", producing two quite tall daughters! My mother was a healthy size 10 approx growing up, but at 5'8" she was at least 4 or 5" taller than my Gran. (My mum was a stunner bless her, very jealous.) My gran brought her and her sister up loving them very much, but believing that they were 'big' girls, and this wasn't deemed feminine. This has lingered with them unfortunately.

Luckily for my sister and I my mother made the concious decision to bring us up a couple of hours drive away from her (we are a very close family, we spend hols etc together) so that we weren't permanently submitted to the same kind of scrutiny. We would still get it (very subtly, my grandmother is too well brought up to be obvious!)when we did see her, but not enough to do any damage.

These things can have a lasting effect, your husband needs to have a firm word. If he doesn't, then you need to.

If it wasnt for the fact that my MIL doesnt have anymore Granddaughters I would think you were talking about her!

My DD is 17 months and every visit we have the same thing - calling her chubby, or podgy - picking over what she eats and as my DD isnt walking yet going on and on about lack of excersize Last week she told DD that she needed to lose a few pounds. Its always said in a jokey way but I know that the sentiment is real.

The thing is that all of MIL family are small and skinny, even her two brothers. But although I am average size my dad and his sisters are larger than average. She doesnt seem to see that DD could possibly me more like my family (I was a V V chubby baby) than like her scrawny family.

I havent said anything as DD obviously doesnt understand yet, but I am going to get DH to talk to her soon, mainly because if he does it it will be polite, if its left to me I might use stronger language. If he doesnt I will though, its not the kind of thing I want my DD to be hearing - Thats really damaging stuff.

It would appear that your DD has picked up on it being said in a negative way if she is refusing to eat in case she gets fat - so I doubt the GM in this instance is equating it with being lovely.

Agree with what has already been said. Your mil is well out of order, tell your dh to have a word with her.

Your MIL is bang out of order. I received the same criticism ("she's fat") from my late paternal grandmother (who was hospitalised more than once with eating disorders) yet at home my mother was frantic because of my 'fussy eating' - hmm I wonder why that happened. Outcome means I am still, even at almost 40, horribly self conscious about my weight because of those comments and at least some of PND has been related to babyweight not magically disappearing etc and my ideas of self worth being related to size. I know what lies behind it but still feel like this.

You need to deal with your MIL before she seriously wrecks your DD's head. Please.

It's frightening how early children start becoming aware of their weight. My ds has just turned 5 & talks quite frequently about people being fat & that they're lazy & greedy. He's actually skinny but got quite upset when another child (who is fat) called him fat. I certainly wouldn't let any adult comment on my childrens weight. I grew up with serious body issues from being too skinny & know how damaging constant criticism is as it makes you so very aware of your body.