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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not see anything worng with 'allowing' DH to go out 2 nights in a row?

28 replies

womblingfree · 19/03/2010 21:55

...cos according to my mum it makes me a 'doormat'. He took his Dad to a gig last night and is out tonight as it was one of oldest friend's 40th during the week.

I don't believe in him having to ask me for a 'pass' to go out - I wouldn't expect to have to ask his permission, although obviously we would consider each other and DD and anything else that was going on when making arrangements.

He does go out a lot more than me - partly cos his hobbies (sport, sport and more sport!) can only be done outside the home. I thoroughly enjoy having the place to myself and pottering around doing my own thing and he'd never argue about me going out so I fail to see how this makes me a 'DM'!

OP posts:
MillyR · 19/03/2010 21:58

I don't see why it is an issue. If you are both happy, I don't think it should matter.

minxofmancunia · 19/03/2010 21:59

yanbu, my dh went out last night and is out now, with my blessing.

Some weeks i go out loads and he's fine with it. i've heard people say "I've got a pass out" and I find it strange.

I too like having the place to myself of an evening!

onepieceoflollipop · 19/03/2010 22:01

wombling I agree 100% with you. It makes me quite angry when I hear (even "jokey") comments about "being allowed out" " having a pass out" "getting permission" etc etc.

Occasionally if asked on the spur of the moment re going out, dh will hesitate. Very predictably the other party will often look to me and make some silly comment. The only reason dh asks is not for permission. We negotiate if I am working a late shift (and would find it difficult to change) or if one of us already has a commitment.

If dh had (for example) been out 2 nights in a row, he would probably choose to stay in for one night with me unless there were several special events in a row.

Very occasionally I might say in advance could we eat together say on a Thursday, e.g. if I am working Fri and Sat and he has been out earlier in the week.

onepieceoflollipop · 19/03/2010 22:02

In a similar vein I also hate chauvinistic silly comments about a man "babysitting" his own children. Like he is doing his dp/dw a favour.

usualsuspect · 19/03/2010 22:04

Wish my dp would go out more..I love being on my own

displayuntilbestbefore · 19/03/2010 22:05

yanbu - why can't your DH go out twice a week? As long as it's not causing you a problem, why should your mother get involved?

starkadder · 19/03/2010 22:07

I agree, and it annoys me when people whom I otherwise like act like I am going to be annoyed because my DH has gone out for a drink. Why on earth would I be?! If he was out every night and came home steaming that would be different but honestly...! It is irritating.

Original poster
womblingfree · 19/03/2010 22:07

Thank God for that - I didn't think it was me !!!

OP posts:
Maleeka · 19/03/2010 22:09

Totally agree with you usualsuspect, my OH doesnt go out enough for my liking! I love having time to myself to do whatever the hell i feel like doing, without having to consider anyone else

onepieceoflollipop · 19/03/2010 22:10

People that make these sort of comments (ime) often have controlling partners themselves. Or they are insecure possibly due to previous infidelities/trust issues with partners.

Imo if you trust your partner and you are both happy with decisions in your relationship, then it doesn't matter how often you/he goes out/stays in etc.

YanknCock · 19/03/2010 22:12

YANBU. Can't stand that 'pass out' stuff. DH asks me out of consideration 'do we have plans already?' because he forgets stuff, but it isn't asking for permission. He is not a kid, and I am not his mother.

winnybella · 19/03/2010 22:18

YANBU. I'm more of a home person and DP likes to be around lots of people so once or twice a week he'll go for few glasses of wine with his mates or to the pub to watch a match.
He's lovely to me all the time, does his bit around the house and more, we do spend most evenings together, and frankly, I like having a few evenings to myself to read a book, talk to friends/family on the phone etc.

My mother also told me I should be careful and not let him go out alone too often...Today I said I was tired and going to bed at 8pm so he called up a friend and they went out for a drink. I revived in the meantime with a help of some white wine Anyway, tomorrow we're going for a dinner together. It seems to me it's great if couples can have a bit of separate life, it's boring to see each other every single second.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 19/03/2010 22:21

YANBU- I hate this kind of "letting him out" mentality!! How would your mum feel if he told you YOU couldn't go out?

Boys2mam · 19/03/2010 22:22

It works both ways though. I went to a family Christening on Mothers Day with DP and our 2 DS's. DP decided to take the boys home and insisted I stay out with my parents and DB for the rest of the party. This is the first time I have ever left DP with the 2 kids to do the bedtime routine but as I rarely go out and was really enjoying catching up with family he let me enjoy my day.

The number of people who commented on this over the few hours I was there was unbelievable. It would seem I am a terrible mother, or "very lucky" that DP is "so good". One night, DS2 is 18 mths and its the only time.

Yet I put them to bed on my own at least once a wk while he goes out on a regular pool night, plus his ad-hoc nights out (not counting the time he's working away from home and gone for 4-10 days at a time) and no-one tells me how great I am or DP how lucky he is.

Just a well we know

2old4thislark · 19/03/2010 22:23

I'm counting down the weeks until the cricket season love my Saturday evenings on my own! Wish my Dh would go out more as he always hogs the remote and watches sport!

ReneRusso · 19/03/2010 22:24

I agree with onepieceoflolllipop, I'm a bit touchy about people asking if dh is babysitting.

Original poster
womblingfree · 19/03/2010 22:27

2old - it's cricket season with us too. He goes off to play with his team, me and DD go round to my parents and have a roast dinner and sometimes a potter up to the pub with my Dad!!!

OP posts:
feedthegoat · 19/03/2010 22:28

YANBU. I'm off to Newcastle for weekend with friends in the morning. It most definately does not make my dh a doormat .

Boys2mam · 19/03/2010 22:41

Woo hoo, Newcastle.

feedthegoat · 19/03/2010 22:44

I've been saying that all day Boys2mam. I haven't done anything like this for years and I'm ever so slightly excited!

Boys2mam · 19/03/2010 23:34

Its gonna be wet tomorrow but I'm pretty sure the pubs'll be dry

Gay40 · 22/03/2010 09:34

Can't understand permission/pass out/any of that nonsense that implies people have to justify going out.
We would mention it to one another as a matter of courtesy, and having a young child means that any social arrangements come secondary to her care (we both feel this way), but if I had to ask if it ws OK to have a few days with my parents or friends, I'd rather be single.

Firawla · 22/03/2010 09:45

yanbu, and i fail to see how its ur mums business in the first place
if you are happy with it thats the end of the issue, its not a problem in the first place then is it. can u tell ur mum (nicely) to mind her own business?

Morloth · 22/03/2010 09:47

YANBU, I don't get it either. If DH thought he got to "allow" and "let" me do things he would be in for a nasty shock.

We do check with each other before making plans for a night out for childcare purposes and to ensure that nothing else is planned etc.

assumetheposition · 22/03/2010 09:47

I wish my DH would go out more to be honest

He always implies that I never allow him to go out but actually it's because he's a miserable bugger and never wants to go.