to think that my mil shouldn't go on about her family tree to adopted dh

[radstar]

when he has no option about finding his?

I'm interested in family trees but wouldn't dream of talking about mine to dh when he knows so little about his own roots and never will. She just seemed so insensitive.

i know nothing about adoption so could be wrong, but is she not chatting about it because it's his family?

It depends on how he feels about it. My adopted brother certainly sees our family tree as his family tree and his sons take part in genealogical outings, visiting the ancestral haunts.

What does your dh feel? He could consider his mother's family his own family, and maybe she does as well.

He felt it was insensitive too, it wasn't any of the people he knew which obviously he fet was his family, more in the vein of "look how great we were in the past..." based on people's roles etc and how things pass through blood lines.

I do think people only like to believe when it is something good. No-one wants to believe they are anything like the axe murderer (or whatever bad thing) from the past do they?

That was all I said to her at the time as wasn't sure if it was me being oversensitive or if dh took it the same way.

I'm with the others here. Maybe she chats about it so that he feels included. He is her son and therefore most probably feels that her family is his family. (Apologies if I've got this wrong.) I have an adopted friend whose (adoptive) mother has famous Russian ancestors, one of whom is an artist. She has always been included in family discussions about the paintings (lending them to museums etc),is learning Russian so she can translate the correspondence that's been kept etc, and very much feels that it's her family too. She has recently been in touch with her birth mother but says that this doesn't change the way she feels about her adoptive family and their roots and it has always been part of her life whereas her birth mother and family haven't.

Ah sorry radstar, cross post. I guess the difference between your dh and my friend is that she had been included in conversations about the family tree from very young hence the feeling they were her ancestors to.

I dunno - most people do have blood relatives they know of and I think it's so normal to talk about this, your DP must surely have made peace with that by now?

If you've researched your family tree, does your husband honestly not find it of interest becuase of his own adoption?

I talk about things all the time that my DP doesn't have, and vice versa. I think this is normal tbh.

Agree with Morriszapp

hmm thanks for your replies I'm not sure if I am making an issue in my head. It was only that he thought it was insensitive too that made me think. Since we have had ds it has made us both think about it more.

I haven't researched mine as I always thought it wouldn't be right to go on about my family from way back, as he isn't going to find out about someone as near to him as a father. He will never know about his father's side, can't say too much about his mother's else he would be easily identified in real life but suffice to say he met her then she died.

Like I said said all of his parents' family are considered "his" family just like anyone else's, it was this going on about people from years back in the past who have no bearing on her life nevermind his. I can see how relatives of hers that even if they are dead now may have shaped her as a person are important, but people who she never knew? It just seemed to smack of boasting, not sure if that was the right word but there was something in her tone.

I think a lot depends on the relationship he has with his adoptive family tbh. Also, you say that he never will be able to find out much about his blood line family tree, but that is not necessarily the case.

I have done extensive work on my own family tree, and one of the people who got in touch with me is a 3rd cousin who was adopted as a baby. Although she gets on well with her adoptive family she was very curious about her blood relatives. She and I correspond often - I am the only blood relative she is in touch with on that side of her family, as her mother (who is related to me but I have never met or been in touch with) doesn't want any contact with her.

somuchtobis- we found his mum and she was from another country it was hard work as there were lots of inconsostencies but know it can be done. She died unexpectedly, having only told her husband about dh he has told one other of her relatives (which we are grateful for as he didn't have to, it was a great shock to him as he didn't even know) so there is some hope for a bit more contact for him but it is quite rightly a slow process due to the sensitivity and the language barriers but his mother couldn't/wouldn't give a last name for his father.

You are very insistent that dead people have no bearing on your life, as if the only reason to research your family would be to boast of your aristocratic connection. To most people, it simply isn't like that. They are just interested, that's all. I am doing dh's family tree atm, and to him greatgreatgrandfather the ratchatcher is just as interesting as a viscount would be; it's a way of learning about the past, of finding out more about other people.

I can't help feeling you are overprotecting your dh a bit if you would not feel it right to take any interest in your family because of his adopted background. As MorrisZapp says, most couples feel able to talk about something the other doesn't have. Would you feel obliged to give up playing the piano if your dh had been born with a finger missing or was simply tone deaf? My dh talks about driving a car, though he knows I will never see well enough to do that. And disabled dd's friends talk to her about their sports. Imho over-protecting isn't always the kindest thing.

Most people do find their own family histories fascinating, even though the people identified will be total strangers and of course long dead.

One observation to make as well is that genealogy is very much a generational thing. Often, it's only when people get older themselves that they develop an interest in and indeed passion for their own ancestors, when to younger people it can all seem a bit irrelevant.

And yes, people do 'boast' about the interesting lines of their tree! I do it all the time - to me it isn't boasting, it's saying 'listen to this, its fascinating'.

I wonder how your DH might feel if his mum had done lots of research, get excited about it, told everybody about it, but left him out? It's his family too.

cory- yes perhaps I am being overprotective over dh, he has been through a lot lately and with little support from his mother - particularly over the finding the birth mum although I'm sure there must be underlying feelings of hers that I do not know about - but other stuff as wel that has lead him to feeling completely left out of the family life.

The few things we do know about my family tree he does find interesting, as people have said it is a good way to find out about history in more general terms and both of us find history fascinating.

I think the problem possibly lies with me having an issue about the other problems we have in life and perhaps I'm allowing that to cloud a lot of what she said.

The sad thing about it all is I always had a lot of time for my mil, thought I was lucky in that she didn't cause the problems that read about some causing on here! But lately there have been several things that have made me adjust my opinion of her

got to do the dreaded supermarket shop will check later

I would have said that you are being a bit over senstive, but for the fact your DH has felt offended. Has she discussed it in such a way as if to say, implied or otherwise, that they aren't part of his ancestory? Does she make him feel that he isn't really 'one of them'?

I understand what you are saying about the whole family tree thing, I wouldn't be in the slight bit interested in lookng mine up. Some people find it massively fascinating though.

Well, I'm adopted. And I have been researching my family tree - yes, my adoptive parent's family tree. Because they ARE my family.

I find the whole family tree thing fascinating. And it doesn't matter a single bit that they're not 'blood' relatives. They are MY relatives because they ADOPTED me.

And I do consider it to be MY family tree.

I think your MIL might be upset about the birth mother thing - I know mine would be feeling a bit 'rejected' if I were to follow up finding mine, however unreasonable that might be. Perhaps she's passing that on to your DH a bit.

This might be a stupid/insensitive question, but do adopted children go on the family tree too? Are they marked in a different way or just the same as biological children? Sorry if I offended anyone, just was curious to know.

Well I'm not adopted but do have adopted relatives & friends and surprised that your DH wouldn't see them for what they are ie HIS family .
I've always assumed (possibly naively) that once a person is adopted they are/should be no different to any other member of the family whether related by marriage, birth or adoption.
LCN

I find it a bit boring tbh... I think I can muster up interest in great grandparents but after that it is hard to feel any connection to these people.

mmmcoffee's post shows that it's like your family story. it's more than dna being passed down. it's the stories. That's what interests me when my dad bends my ear about some great great somebody who escaped the lusitania (with his life I mean)

I was adopted and my mum talked alot about her family tree, I can honestly say it wouldn't have crossed her mind that it might upset me as she always thought of me as her own and therefore her family was my family.

I have to admit now that my parents have passed away and my brother is researching the family tree I'm not interested. I feel that my family starts with my parents and not any further back.

I have no interest in researching my own birth family tree either.

Sorry if your DH is upset but if your MIL is anything like my mum, she just sees him as her son and nothing else.

Thank you maryz.

I am adopted and I don't think it is a problem at all. I was always fascinated to hear about my grans' families, and I was even put in the family tree in the family bible, so I didn't feel left out. I always knew that I was adopted because "my real mother was very sad, but she couldn't keep me, so she gave me to my mum and dad because they loved and wanted me very much". It is something that I grew up with, as I got older I came to realise that the people I had been told about weren't blood relatives, but it didn't matter.
Now I'm an adult I still see their families as mine, I'm still interested in the "oldies" and what they did.