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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DD fib to school about why she was late?

38 replies

EccentricaGallumbits · 19/03/2010 11:16

She has major problems being in big crowds and too close to people.
Assembly is usually OK because it is held in the school theatre with chairs for all the pupils. Today though something else is on in there and assembly was to be held in the gym with pupils sitting on the floor.

DD spent all evening yesterday and half the night in absolute panic at the thought of this.

I have told the school (more than once)that this is part of her refusing to go and they have done nothing at all to help or offer alternatives.

So today I took her to school half an hour late.

DD then had a (n other) major panic about what reason she had to write down when she signed herself in.
She doesn't want people thinking she is weird or teachers having a go at her because she struggles to fit in.
So she asked if she could tell then she had a dentist appointment.

i'm fed up with school ignoring us and not trying to help at all so I said she could.

I shouldn't have should I?

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 19/03/2010 11:18

Well if they're not taking her phobia seriously then I would have done exactly what you did.

mumofaboy · 19/03/2010 11:22

Probably not but it's done now!

My mum is a TA who deals with children 1 to 1 - she looked after a girl with this exact problem - her job was to collect her from the school gates in the morning, walk her between classes (when possible - otherwise the teacher had to do it), provide somewhere for her to sit t lunchtime, etc. etc.

My point is that your DD should be getting help from the school with this - the girl my mum looked after benefitted hugely from her input so it can be done!

3cutedarlings · 19/03/2010 11:27

No YANBU I'd have done the same, i would also be battering the head teacher and the school SENCOs door down to though tbh!! she needs help with this and sometimes you have to be a total PITA to achieve this

How old is your daughter ?

Original poster
EccentricaGallumbits · 19/03/2010 11:29

nearly 12.

and school just don't get it.

OP posts:
SusieCarmichael · 19/03/2010 11:30

YANBU i would have done the same! agree with 3cutedarlings though you need to be a pita

Original poster
EccentricaGallumbits · 19/03/2010 11:32

School have ignored CAMHS link too so not much chance of them listening to me.

Problem is most of the time she will go to school (at the moment anyway) and while she is there she manages to hold it together so school don't see what a battle it is to get her there every day nor the efffects of them nagging her or making her do stuff she just can't bring herself to do.

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 19/03/2010 11:33

YANBU. Fully appreciate you and your DD are at the end of your tethers about it.

Have you asked them to make reasonable adjustments under the provisions of the disability discrimination act(DDA)?

Original poster
EccentricaGallumbits · 19/03/2010 11:34

not that they shouldn't nag her to do stuff like homework or tell her off for being too chatty but more the bits she struggleswith like making her go in to assembly and not letting her eat somewhere quiet that I then have to deal with her shouting about for hours before and after school.

OP posts:
CockShore · 19/03/2010 11:35

you did the right thing. Poor girl

3cutedarlings · 19/03/2010 11:39

Poor wee thing is there any reason for problems Eccentrica? (SNs ect) what recommendations have CAMHS made to help your DD?

FabIsWantingToFallApart · 19/03/2010 11:41

I would have been tempted to write the truth - let the school have a problem then.

Original poster
EccentricaGallumbits · 19/03/2010 11:43

Waiting on PDDAG assessment. possibly aspergers. at least 7 month waiting list for assessment.

school are shite. Mostly DD is OK and manages to cope. some days, like toaday, she doesn't and she is then unbearably horrible.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 19/03/2010 11:46

Shall I pop into the school for you? I'm just in the mood to make my point heard!!

Honest to God, get down there and make them listen. You are not asking for anything that is difficult for them to provide - merely allowing her to either stand somewhere she is comfortable with for the odd assembly in the gym, eating her lunch somewhere that's a bit quieter etc - not that it would be any excuse really, but it's not as though you need any additional resources to keep her 'comfortable' at school.

Go down there today, be assertive and tell them what they will be doing, to enable her to attend school without any additional hassle.

If you can do it quietly and nicely all the better - if you can't, well, then you can't!! But your DD should not be getting this stressed about something that is easily fixed! (Assembly, not her 'problem' I mean).

As for her anxiety - what are you doing to help her overcome this??

lal123 · 19/03/2010 11:47

I would have told them the truth - they need to see how this phobia is affecting her. If she's late again and school get in touch you need to have told them the truth about why she was late?

Original poster
EccentricaGallumbits · 19/03/2010 11:49

am bracing myself for yet another phone call. will try.

OP posts:
Original poster
EccentricaGallumbits · 19/03/2010 11:54

woman i need isn't there. will e-mail.

OP posts:
Original poster
EccentricaGallumbits · 19/03/2010 11:54

God I'm rubbish. what shall i say?

OP posts:
belgo · 19/03/2010 11:58

YANBU. No one wants to see their child forced to do something that causes distress.

What is being done to help her overcome her phobia?

3cutedarlings · 19/03/2010 11:58

This is shocking!!! have school done anything anything at all to help her?

Regarding CAMHS i would badger them to! ring them at least a couple of times a week and see if they have any cancellations.

My DD has Aspergers

Adair · 19/03/2010 12:00

Is there a sympathetic teacher who can be on dd's 'side'? I am often that teacher who looks out for children like your dd to give reassurance, allow to stand near me at the back (near exits) and give a quiet space at lunchtime. There must be a nice teacher who she could confide in?

Agree totally that the school has a responsibility to help. But in the meantime...

GetOrfMoiLand · 19/03/2010 12:01

Oh poor girl.

I think you did the right thing. Yest hink would have been tempted to actually tell the truth but of course your dd would have found that distressing as well. So it's a hard call.

Must be very upsetting for you having to deal with all this with no support from the school.

Original poster
EccentricaGallumbits · 19/03/2010 12:10

DD also doesn't help because she hates to be different and is desperate to fit in and not be weird. Which is how she manages to hold heself in while she is at school then lets it all out at home.

she also thinks anyone who 'has a word' or singles her out is having a go and shouting at her and telling her off, even when they aren't.

OP posts:
3cutedarlings · 19/03/2010 12:16

Bless her!! It sounds to me like she is working really hard here! with little to no help at all!! i totally understand how this is not going to make things any easier for you at home.

Have you posted on the SNs boards for advice to help her?

I can totally relate to everything you are experiencing, but as my DD is only 7 this solutions will be somewhat different .

pippop1 · 19/03/2010 12:19

Could you ask your GP to give you a letter to take to the school? GP could explain that, until she has her assessment, he/she would be grateful if school allowed her to do a) b) and c).

I doubt they will go against a GP's letter.

Original poster
EccentricaGallumbits · 19/03/2010 12:20

Right. this si what i've written for e-mailing.

Regarding [DD2]

Dear [family liaison woman who is never there and never returns my phone calls]

As you are aware [DD2] finds coming to school very difficult. At present she is attending but it is a daily struggle. I would like to work out a plan to try and reduce her anxiety and difficulties with school. I am aware that [psychologist] from CAMHS has been in touch with you and we are waiting for formal assessment from PDDAG.

She finds crowded places hard to deal with; particularly assemblies when she has to sit on the floor surrounded by others. Usually this doesn't matter when this is held in the theatre but on occasions when assembly is held in the gym this causes her excessive anxiety.

[DD2] is very anxious about appearing different to other pupils which is why her behaviour in school is acceptable and it appears that she is managing well, while in reality she finds school life incredibly difficult to deal with.

Would it be possible to arrange that in this sort of situation if [DD2] feels anxious or unable to take part she is excused and she is able to wait somewhere else, such as the library, until she can rejoin her class? I feel that just having this as an option would lessen the anxiety she is feeling and might make it easier for her to get to school.

Yours
Mrs Gallumbits

What do you think?

OP posts: