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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to change my name to MIL's maiden name to please her?

38 replies

LuckyC · 19/03/2010 11:11

Story in a nutshell: DH has always said he would change his name when he has kids as he did not want his family to have his absent father's name - it was a bad and bitter divorce. I don't want to change my name (a deeply held principle.)

We're about to have first baby. DH had idea that he would change his name to mine, so we could all have same name. I was delighted - brilliant, genius, creative idea that solves a thorny problem.

MIL does not see it this way. Is insisting that we should both change our names to her maiden name (which she took on again after the divorce; DH still has his father's name.) She is extremely upset, sobbing on the phone, saying things like 'You won't be my son any more'.

Oh - and we are planning to use her maiden name as new 'family' middle name for LO and DH, to pass on down generations.

Are DH and I being unreasonable to think that SHE is being unreasonable, and that it is our decision, and she needs to accept it?

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 19/03/2010 11:13

She is absolutely being unreasonable! He already has a different surname, so what's the difference if its still different from hers?

He won't be her son any more?!?!?!?

Bucharest · 19/03/2010 11:15

nutternutternutter.

YANBU.

TrillianAstra · 19/03/2010 11:16

SIBU. Names do not make a son, and if she really believed that she should have insisted that DH change his name to match hers long ago.

Original poster
LuckyC · 19/03/2010 11:16

I know, she's over-reacting. And upsets us to upset her. But I think that there are other factors at play - DH recently re-established contact with his absent dad; MIL is dealing with him shifting from being her son to a father, etc etc.

Thanks for the sanity-check Tee.

OP posts:
CMOTdibbler · 19/03/2010 11:16

She is being unreasonable. DH can change his name to whatever he wants, and would still be her son. If she had a daughter who changed her name on marriage would she feel the same ?

mumofaboy · 19/03/2010 11:17

I can see why she's upset, but insisting that you change your name to hers is ridiculous! Would she rather her grandkids had her ex-husband's name?

She is being unreasonable and you need to be firm about this - but assuming your relationship with her is otherwise ok, I'd be gentle about it.

AMumInScotland · 19/03/2010 11:17

She's being very unreasonable. If her son has been her son since the divorce, with a different surname, then what difference does it make what his surname is now?

I suspect what she's saying is "I am clearly less important in his life if he will change his surname to yours rather than mine"

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 19/03/2010 11:18

Unreasonable x lots.

Glad to see a family who is using the woman's name, TBH. Should be more common.

FabIsWantingToFallApart · 19/03/2010 11:19

She is being unreasonable. Your dh needs to tell her that a name doesn't make you someones son and she is the one happy to throw away a relationship. Does she know you are going to use her maiden name as a middle name?

Purplebuns · 19/03/2010 11:20

I think it is your decision.

I have changed my name to my mothers maiden name, and my paternal Grandmother has actually disinherited me, and doesn't like me... due to the dishonour of it.

So be aware that there can be huge problems.

However as you are still incorporating her name in it, I think perhaps she will come to terms with it.

I think you just need to be gentle with her and explain you are not rejecting her as a person, you just want a new identity for your family (Although this is probably better coming from DH)

I think you need to be a bit more understanding of how she is feeling, and why, before you label her as unreasonable.

However YANBU to decide as a family your identity.

Original poster
LuckyC · 19/03/2010 11:21

Agreed muminscotland that she is feeling a bit out of control with all the change and me being her son's wife and now mother of his child.

Fab she does know about middle name.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyC · 19/03/2010 11:22

purplebuns god. sounds. horrible.

Take your point about doing this gently.

OP posts:
Purplebuns · 19/03/2010 11:27

It is alright, my Gran has always been very opinionated and 'like' that IYKWIM

I have spoken to her very briefly, recently for the first time in about 5 years, but it really has damaged our relationship.

Names can mean a lot to people, especially as she has others things making her feel insecure IRT your DH being in contact with his Father

skinsl · 19/03/2010 11:31

nothing to do with her, yours and DH's decision.
great you are still using her name.
tell her to get over herself

BessieBoots · 19/03/2010 11:36

She is BU.
Conversely, my DH was in a similar situation- absent father, raised by mum, didn't want our DCs to have his dad's name. He changed his name by deed poll before we married to his mother's middle name. That is now my surname (along with my old surname- I'm double barelled, doncha know ;-) ) and the surname of our DCs.

But it was HIS DECISION to change his name, and it was in memory of his mam- she died when he was a teenager.

megapixels · 19/03/2010 11:36

Will just repeat the fact that she needs to get over herself. YANBU.

What is a 'family' middle name? YABU to think/expect that it's going to be passed on down generations .

AMumInScotland · 19/03/2010 11:40

The thing is, names are important to people. That's why issues like taking your husband's surname when you marry are a serious issue for some women. If names were unimportant, we wouldn't care what they were, or feel that they made us "us".

So... while she is being unreasonable, she's doing it because of the fact that your DH taking your surname marks him as being part of your family. And therefore, by definition, less clearly part of her family.

I think these issues would be there in her head even if the name issue wasn't focussing them - tbh when we marry and/or have children with someone, our focus does (and should) change to that new unit being our primary concern, and our wider families are slightly pushed out from us. And it sounds like she's having trouble dealing with that - was it just her and your DH after the divorce? If she and your DH were a little self-contained family unit till you came along, then leting go must be harder for her than if she had others still there.

So - stand firm about names, but reassure her that she is "gaining a daughter" out of all of this, not losing a son. And hopefully she'll calm down!

Original poster
LuckyC · 19/03/2010 11:43

Megapixels well, exactly!

We have a family name that's used as a middle name for all the kids. It's actually generally a 3rd name, as it's a bit wanky name-wise (so I am eg Jane Ethel Wanky-name Smith) (how unfortunate). But cool to have the link, and i like having it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyC · 19/03/2010 11:46

MuminScotland he is one of three kids but is oldest and has always been a central prop for her.

I agree about names being important especially now that we are going to have LO - was slightly surprised by it, but do want us all to have same name, as an identifier, group, belonging-type thing for her.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 19/03/2010 12:05

The oldest can often be a prop - easy to fall (or be pushed) into being "the man of the house" too, being a boy. And then it feels like another betrayal when he leaves too. BTW I don't mean to imply anything "odd" by this, just that a divorced mum can easily feel quite reliant on a grown-up oldest son and it can make for a stronger relationship than what's typical when there's a father figure about.

All he can do is reassure her, without pandering to this kind of thing, that she is still important in all your lives.

fembear · 19/03/2010 12:12

"She is extremely upset, sobbing on the phone, saying things like 'You won't be my son any more'. "

So why don't you suggest that MIL changes her surname so that it is the same as yours (and DH's and DC's)?
Simples.

Beasknees · 19/03/2010 12:20

have you told her that all your children will carry her maiden name FOREVER whatever their gender is so that they will always have a very strong link to her and her family.

missedith01 · 19/03/2010 12:21

YANBU. Names are not this important, IMHO. I won't change my name (no reason to go to the trouble and expense) but I'm happy for the first-born (due monday) to have my name or his name, can't see that it matters.

Dogandbone · 19/03/2010 12:38

yanbu and if she makes this much fuss over a name you should use this to put down some firm boundaries.

cakewench · 19/03/2010 13:18

what? So if she had a daughter, and that daughter decided to take her husband's name, would she not be this woman's daughter anymore? What a statement.

The son should have changed his name earlier, since he kept saying he would. Why wait until he has kids?

FWIW, I didn't change my name when I got married. I thought I would when we had kids, but I haven't. So I'm just being hypocritical here. It's a difficult issue though, since your MIL is so upset over it.

YANBU, of course.

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