to refuse to change my name to MIL's maiden name to please her?

[LuckyC]

Story in a nutshell: DH has always said he would change his name when he has kids as he did not want his family to have his absent father's name - it was a bad and bitter divorce. I don't want to change my name (a deeply held principle.)

We're about to have first baby. DH had idea that he would change his name to mine, so we could all have same name. I was delighted - brilliant, genius, creative idea that solves a thorny problem.

MIL does not see it this way. Is insisting that we should both change our names to her maiden name (which she took on again after the divorce; DH still has his father's name.) She is extremely upset, sobbing on the phone, saying things like 'You won't be my son any more'.

Oh - and we are planning to use her maiden name as new 'family' middle name for LO and DH, to pass on down generations.

Are DH and I being unreasonable to think that SHE is being unreasonable, and that it is our decision, and she needs to accept it?

Can you not just double barrel it- yours and hers? i know some people hate that, but seems like a good solution to me.

yanbu, but "Oh - and we are planning to use her maiden name as new 'family' middle name for LO and DH, to pass on down generations. "
your LO might not agree to that

YANBU! All sounds like a massive over-reaction.

Insanity.

If it was so important to her why didn't she insist that your DH changed his name back when they divorced? Makes absolutely no sense for EVERYBODY to change their name now.

However, your DH changing his name to yours, and starting your new family name that way, seems lovely to me.

She sounds like a nutter and I think it is devious to turn on the waterworks because she isn't getting her own way.

YANBU in the slightest. Do not back down.

Bonkers. You are not obliged to change your name to anyone else's, so unless your DH changes his to hers and you remain as you are, which is not what you, as a family want, then she will have to suck it up. Absurd.

Unfortunatley it sounds like your MIL hasn't realised that part of the point of getting married is to create a family. A new family.
Your husbands idea of changing his name to yours and subsequently your little family all has the same name is brilliant - and very sweet.
She will come round - she is possibly still grieving over the loss of that marriage and will get there eventually.

SIBU.

Its up to your and your DH. She should be pleased that her grandchildren will not have ex husbands name and as you say they will have her maiden name as their middle names too.

Why on earth should you take on her maiden name, thats stupid.

And for not being her son - does that mean your daughter stops being your daughter if she takes on her DH's surname????? what a stupid comment, its not as if they have the same name now.

YANBU. And I did just what you are suggesting - used my MILs maiden name as new middle name for DS. She is happy, Bob's Your Uncle.

A friend of mine went double barrelled she has his surname and hers- could you do the same?
I never changed my name and it makes no difference to me if my children don't have my name although alot of people assume we are unmarried.
I think that MIL can be manipulative- can't we all!- but it's down to your husband surely

SIBU, using the tears in that way is manipulative and a cheap nasty trick. why on earth should you have to change your name to her's? Has your dp ever mentioned changing his surname before? Maybe she thought that if he would ever change his name the obvious choice would be hers.

You should bare in mind however, that many mothers have issues with their sons and dil's when they get married. It's a stereotypical situation and the fact that now he is going to change his name to yours is going to heighten any tension that was under the surface before.

It's unusual for a man to take his wife's name (in this country) so everyone who's giving the whole "what if she had a daughter blah blah blah" are being unrealistic unfortunately.

It's likely she thinks that your dp is growing further away from her and she will not be part of his family any more. It is silly but it happens. Maybe you should cut her a little slack.

btw the whole "Oh - and we are planning to use her maiden name as new 'family' middle name for LO and DH, to pass on down generations. " is a bit because unless your lo's like it, and their future dp's then it's not really going to happen.

I think most MILs would be a bit upset. However, it really is nothing to do with her and you have made some compromise.

YANBU
We had a similar situation, MIL left FIL when DH was 6, changed her name, his and his brothers to her maiden name. I refused to take her name on marriage (just kept mine) so when DS was born DH reverted to his father's surname which he had been given at birth and kept her maiden name as a middle name. I took his new surname and we all match now. DS (and subsequently DD, and bump due May will have it too) was also given her maiden name as an extra middle name(as OP suggests doing), she refused to come to his Christening. I was the worst DIL ever for a while, she is calming down a bit over time