in thinking that it is excessive to try to protect a child from abuse by not allowing that child to ever be alone with a man?

[mrsbean78]

I am on another forum and this came up.

It is a genuine AIBU. The person on the forum had sadly had experiences herself and has made a pact with her dh that her children will never be allowed in a room with a lone man, including all of her family and all of his, and all their male friends.

I know there are many people on here who have had the horrendous experience of abuse, however when someone else on the forum suggested this action would in itself teach a very negative lesson about sexuality (e.g. that all men are predators), I found myself nodding in agreement.

BUT

I have never been in this position, so I wonder what others think? Am I just naive to think this is going too far to protect a child, even from something as terrible as abuse?

Women abuse children too, of course it's excessive. What about the child's father? Is he not trusted either?

Of course it is going too far and it avpoids a number of truths - that women can abuse and that children can too.

I was abused. It was actually many of the healthy relationships I had with male relatives, friends, teachers and others that helped me get some perspective and start to get my life back to normal( and my catholic priest which will probably annoy some on here).
A ridiculous notion. I would never do that to my children

Never been in this position either - but men have so much to offer children and I think it'd be a shame to tar them all with the same brush, no?

I appreciate I might feel differently if something had happened to me, but my daughter's granddad feels so uncomfortable taking her swimming (to the extent where he will not help her shower or change) in case people think he's up to no good that I feel very very sad we have put men in this situation.

It's excessive and damaging to the child to teach him/her that half the human race are this dangerous. It also makes the child more vulnerable, not less, to predators of any kind as the child will grow up fearful and with poor judgement. The woman needs to be firmly told to get some counselling/therapy on her own account: having had a bad experience, no matter how horrible, does not give you a license to be an idiot for the rest of your life.

I was sexually assulted aged 8 by 2 boys in my street they were about 12 13 ish, and although ive got a son, i would not impose such a strict messed up rule on any of my child/ren boy or girls.
what about when they get old enough to notice this strange behaviour and start asking questions?!
my brothers would never speak to me again if they found out i was doing this, its very sad, and infact almost abusive to the child by creating a method of thought that all men are out to abuse you!
and what about women? women abuse aswell, they shouldn't of had a child if they really are doing this, i find it disgusting.

Well, I thought it was excessive..
but I wondered what someone who had been in the situation would think.

I am only very new to being a mum (ds is 3 months) and this came up as part of a discussion about pictures of children on facebook etc. I do have pictures of my son on facebook and on photobox and I hadn't really previously considered the dangers of this, in all honesty. The discussion is making me rethink what I think about keeping my tiny boy safe and I did find myself wondering if I would be in a minority finding this excessive.

It is a sad situation.

Pagwatch, I am sorry to hear of your negative experiences and happy to hear that you have also had healing experiences.

Messed up people making messed up children I say .

It is utterly excessive, and also won't protect the children from the possibility of abuse since women and children can also abuse, and more than one person can be in collusion.

Over-reacting to fears like this does nothing to help keep children safe, or to help them make sensible well-balanced decisions themselves in the future. If everyone is equally suspect, how can anyone live a normal life? They will either grow up unable to form any kind of relationship, or will decide that, if you can't know who is a threat you might as well not even try to weigh up risks but just throw yourself into all situations without any thought at all.

Excessive, damaging and pointless. Women can be dangerous as well. Are they also applying this to male children? At what point does a boy change from a potential victim into a potential perpetrator?

Of course it is wrong to treat a child in this way, for
whatever 'good' reason. This mother clearly needs help.

how on earth is a child supposed to learn how to have healthy relationships with men? what if she had a brother? would she not be allowed to be alone with her brother??

very bad parenting imo. far better to develop a strong, loving, trusting and honest relationship with her parents and family and teach her how to avoid such dangerous situations and how to talk to her parents if anything were to happen.

personally? I would see that as abusive in itself.

What kind of message does that send to the children?

They will grow up terrified of men.

Or if she has DDs as soon as they hit puberty they will throwing themselves at men.

Those are sweeping generalisations and I have no experience of how appalling abuse is.

I just think this wholly unhealthy.

im more worried that they seem to of thought about this indepth and that the partner agreed to it!
its not like she had a moment of painc thinking back to her own abuse and irrationaly demanded no men to be alone with her daughter.
and yes what about the dad? he is a grown man why is he not percieved as a danger, infact him agreeing would send red flags to me, many abusers like to keep a child isolated as possible having them all to themselves! i can't think why an intelligent mature man would agree to this for the reasons stated.

hey why not invest in a chastity belt too

I was abused as a child, and the last thing I would do is what she is trying to do.

The main damage of the abuse was not what happened in the day but the fear that lingered for year afterwards and not being able to trust people.

I wouldn't dream of instigating that fear in my children. It would be like doing the damage myself to protect them of something that it unlikely to happen anyway.

I would rather work on building their confidence so they can say "no" when they think something is not right, in helping them trust me so they can talk to me if there is a problem.

not that i would ever suggest anything like that, but if my OH agreed to it i would think him absolutely insane!!

my aunt's husband will not be alone with his son's DD because of this same sort of mindset that all men are abusers.

he adores his grandaughter, his only grandchild but will not be alone with her let alone change her nappy for fear that he might one day be accused of something. wrong imo.

I have nothing to add, its all been said.

Uptomytitsof

Sorry to hear of your experiences. Your point about fear/trust is a very powerful one.

erm....surely it is really important to teach the child about good and positive relationships. What happens when child gets a male teacher at school....or a male swimming coach at school .... or a male violin teacher

How are her children going to have healthy relationships as adults if this is how they're being raised. That mother needs therapy as she has obviously never come to terms with what happened to her.

Although I would never take this course of action I feel that 'Messed up people making messed up children I say' is bloody harsh.

With respect, if you have never had anything awful happen to you you have no idea what a battle it is not to fear for your children.

You know your feelings are irrational, you make sure you don't pass on these fears to your children but it's bloody hard work sometimes.

And a woman has never ever abused a child?

I think it's ridiculous, and makes two dangerous assumptions:

• That all men are predators; and
• That women can't abuse.

There was an article around the time of the Plymouth nursery happenings, saying that abuse by women is grossly under-estimated. If memory serves, something like only 5% of convicted paedophiles are women, but 25% of complaints of sexual abuse to child line involve women.
This isn't the article, but it's along the same lines.

I think a better approach would be to teach your child that their body is their body, and to never be afraid to say no to someone, or tell their parent if something goes wrong. Another point (that SGB raised on another thread) is that they should know (at the appropriate age, obviously) that sex is a good thing, should feel good and if it doesn't, then there's something seriously wrong.