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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to reveal the sex?

32 replies

Mishy1234 · 18/03/2010 15:16

We are expecting our second child in a couple of months and decided that we would like to find out the sex but keep it to ourselves. We wanted to keep it a secret the last time, but made the mistake of being honest and saying that we knew and were badgered to death until we told people.

This time, I agreed with DH that we would just say we didn't know. Anyway, I was asked a few times by PIL and maintained that we didn't know. Then DH came home from PIL's and said he'd been cornered and that he had accidentally smirked when his Mum asked him if we knew. From that, they have assumed (correctly) that we do know and just aren't telling.

Now I just get questions all the time from PIL trying to catch me out. When DH's Granny asked me at the weekend if I knew in front of PIL, I said I didn't (at no time have either DH ever actually said we do know btw), FIL came out and basically said that we did know and just weren't telling. It was really embarrassing and tbh I felt like a right liar (which technically I am) in front of DH's Granny who I like very much.

We have various reasons for wanting to keep it a secret, but mostly because my Mum really wants a surprise this time and I would like her to have that. If I tell other people, it's bound to slip out to her somehow.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Rubyrubyruby · 18/03/2010 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chicaboom · 18/03/2010 15:19

YANBU
We haven't found out what we are having, but people still ask and look incredulous when we say we don't know...
Not telling anyone is the only way to keep the surprise from your mum, so stick to your guns!

mazzystartled · 18/03/2010 15:25

Of course it's up to you but it might seem incredibly up your own bum to other people.

I think you should tell the truth - that you know the gender (well probably) but let people know your reasons for keeping schtum. Going around lying to people isn't necessary. Especially if your DH is as crap at it as he appears.

Hullygully · 18/03/2010 15:26

YANBU

but neither are they for keeping on trying to guess.

Could be a long pregnancy.

Original poster

Mishy1234 · 18/03/2010 15:31

Mazzy- totally understand what you're saying, but that's what we did the first time and that didn't work either. If I thought PIL could keep it to themselves I would tell them, but I know from past experience that they can't. Why should I have to tell people if I don't want to? Why do people think the gender of an unborn child has to be public knowledge anyway? If the information isn't volunteered to me, I simply don't ask.

OP posts:

Skegness · 18/03/2010 15:31

Agree with hully. I find all this knowing but not telling a bit alien but if it's not too stressful and it makes sense to you then that's the main thing.

mazzystartled · 18/03/2010 15:35

I didn't mean you should tell the the gender but that you should tell them why you don't want to tell them, if you can.

And if they can't respect that then they are the unreasonable ones.

OTTMummA · 18/03/2010 15:40

im crap at lying so i would just say yes we know, but won't be telling until he/she is here.
any other questions about the sex after this i would ignore and carry on talking about something else.

AMumInScotland · 18/03/2010 15:42

Now that they've guessed, I think it might be better if DH tells his close family that, yes, you do know, and that because you would like it to be a surprise for your mum this time, you are not telling anyone as that is "fairer" than some people knowing and others not.

They may disagree with the logic, and may keep badgering you, but at least you are being honest about the facts and your reasons, so they don't have any "leverage" against you.

Original poster

Mishy1234 · 18/03/2010 16:25

I see mazzy, yes I agree. Thing is, I did explain during the Granny episode as I felt I had to say something (sorry to be stealthy!) and they're still badgering.

I'm just starting to feel guilty about it tbh and worry that they may fixate on the baby being one sex or the other and then be disappointed when they're not right. I would tell them if I thought it wouldn't go any further, but I know it would and really feel that my Mum's wishes come first this time.

OP posts:

JaneS · 18/03/2010 16:25

Why not tell them the cord was between baby's legs?

globex · 18/03/2010 16:25

My sister and brother in law just did this and for the life of me I couldn't understand why. They were the only people who really cared so the smug 'we know but we're not telling' became a bit annoying..

That said you do have a real reason so go for it..

fillybuster · 18/03/2010 16:59

YANBU.

Ds (dc1) was a genuine surprise. We found out that dc2 was dd but decided not to share that with anyone as it simply wasn't their business and we didn't want to be harassed about names/plans etc in advance. Oh, and I'm quite superstitious so didn't want a wardrobe of pink stuff before she was delivered safely .

We didn't admit to anyone that we knew, but a few of our friends twigged. When my sister found out at around 32 weeks that we knew and hadn't told her she got very upset....

This time around i'm being fairly(ish) open that we know and we're definitely not saying. So far, so good. When pressed on the 'what is it' question I tend to say "its a baby", and if someone looks like they might get really pushy I'll try to defuse it with something like "obviously, a puppy would have been great, but apparently you get those a different way" I also tend to point out that we have a ds and a dd so it really really doesn't matter....

fillybuster · 18/03/2010 17:02

Oh, FWIW, when my sister got upset we ended up telling her (but swore her to secrecy...) - it helped that we're really close, she was always going to be the first person at the hospital to see DD after DH anyway (she's a doctor there!) and she was gutted because she'd been so involved in the pg. This time she's working in a hospital in Zambia, knows that we know and hasn't asked since the baby will be born well before she gets back.

I have told one of my grandmothers this time, as she has terminal cancer and is unlikely to make it to mid-June to find out...but she has also been sworn to secrecy

cakeywakey · 18/03/2010 17:07

YANBU, but your PIL are. Why can't they just let it go, especially as you've explained why?

On a related note, we wouldn't tell people the name that we had chosen for our DD. We wanted to keep it between us and I really didn't want people's opinions on it. I'm such a precious Mummyzilla! Just be warned that people may think you are too. But if you can hack it, let them stew in their not-knowingness

Maggie00 · 18/03/2010 17:39

I knew but didn't say and I still occasionally have the odd comment about how I should have been 'honest' or how 'odd' it was of me to know the sex but pretend I didn't know. Ridiculous imo!

BariatricObama · 18/03/2010 17:48

say its transgender and tell them to google lady gaga

thesecondcoming · 18/03/2010 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Mishy1234 · 18/03/2010 18:27

Thanks for all the comments.

I agree, it would be precious if we had said we knew but weren't telling, which was why we tried saying we didn't know (scuppered by DH's inability to lie. He'd make a crap spy!). Then I get a hard time for lying and not being honest.

Can't win really...

I will be standing my ground on this one though, as it's important to my Mum and likely to be her last grandchild.

OP posts:

ssher · 18/03/2010 18:31

My OH wanted to know both times. The second time I didnt want to know so we got the lady at the hospital to write it down on a bit of paper that he had a peek at. everybody knew that he knew and that i didnt. he would have been in deep *t if he had told anyone though!

p.s it did get pretty annoying when everyone wanted to know whether i had a peek or not, as i carried the bit of paper around in my purse fr the next 18/ 19 wks. Either way it would have been my choice when/ if I wanted to know.
Sorry fr rambling,,,but u r nt being unreasonable.

diddl · 18/03/2010 18:33

Well, it´s going to be one or the other so not that much of a surprise!

Why can´t you tell those who want to know?

thesecondcoming · 18/03/2010 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaLazarou · 18/03/2010 18:54

YANBU. This is what we did: found out but kept it to ourselves and didn't tell anyone we knew we were having a boy. Better to do that, IMO, than to tell people you know but aren't telling - that seems a bit cruel if they want to know.

Good luck with everything!

piscesmoon · 18/03/2010 19:00

YANBU. It is easy if you don't tell anyone you know. No one ever knew that we knew in advance-I am only saying on here because it is anonymous-because we never told them afterwards that we knew either. If you want to keep a secret don't tell anyone!

diddl · 18/03/2010 19:03

Just curious-I never wanted to know with either of mine-why do people want to know?

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