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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell DS that I don't like one of his classmates?

39 replies

stealthsquiggle · 18/03/2010 00:09

My DS (7) is bright, but has incredibly low self-esteem . Tonight, having finally got him to stop crying and to talk semi-rationally about the latest bout of self-loathing, it became clear that he thinks he is rubbish at a whole load of stuff because one of his classmates has told him so.

Now I don't like the child in question and haven't done for some time. I know it's not their fault, and it is directly (ludicrously so) traceable to the mother, but the child (let's call it A) seems to delight in putting other people down. DS is an obvious target, as he is academically high-achieving (and A definitely isn't), but it seems that A has managed to convince him that he is "rubbish" at all sports.

I cracked, and told DS that I didn't like A because A seemed to think the only way to make himself feel good was to make other people feel bad. I probably shouldn't have said that, I know, but it just makes me so angry that DS can be told a million times by us, and by his teachers, how well he is doing, and all he hears is the nasty put-downs from A.

Go on - flame me - but then tell me how I should deal with it.

OP posts:

onebatmother · 18/03/2010 00:17

I've done the same stealth. DS didn't blink, is now less close to the other child - and much happier. He was very grateful I cared enough to break out of the 'nkay'ness, I could tell.

Sometimes all this relativism is bollocks I think. Your ds will still understand that it would be very wrong of him to be mean to the other child, won't he? Your being honest won't change that.

ToccataAndFudge · 18/03/2010 00:21

stealth - I have done exactly the same with one of DS1's "friends".

I can't stand the child, he's a dreadful influence on DS1 (and other children in his class) and it's blatantly obvious that he's only DS1's "friend" in the classroom where he knows he can get DS1 (who is no angel I hasten to add, but he's not naughty)) to join in with his sillyness.......problem is DS1 isn't smart enough to get himself out of trouble while the said "friend" is......

In the playground, and birthday parties/being invited over to play "friend" isn't interested - DS1 obviously isn't "cool" enough.

I've told DS1 (he's 9 btw) this. Told him I'm not going to stop him being friends with him, but I don't like him

mrsboogie · 18/03/2010 00:27

You are of course allowed to say you don't like someone who hurts your child, even if that person is another 7 yr old.

I would keep reinforcing the message that this boy and his mummy are insecure about his academic ability and the way they choose to deal with that is by trying to find fault in others. They don't understand that everyone is good at different things at different times and are jealous of people that they think are doing better.

It is the truth, after all.

Perhaps there are things your boy could do outside of school to build his confidence and which would leave him less open to the lashing out of this type of bullying child.

Original poster

stealthsquiggle · 18/03/2010 09:30

I just wish I could find a way to give DS a huge shot of self-belief. Trouble is, I see myself in him so strongly in matters like this - and DH, who is supremely self-confident, doesn't get it at all and gets impatient with DS. His teachers are lovely, recnognise the issue (they raised it without me having to say anything) and do all they can to build DS's confidence - but have to strike a balance because if they keep telling him all the time how well he is doing in class (which he is) it makes him even more of a target for the jealousy.

Aaaaargh. It's never easy, is it.

OP posts:

SingleMum01 · 18/03/2010 09:39

I've done the same too, we have frequent conversations about the mean boy! Can you encourage friendships with other nice boys - meeting up at holidays, back for t etc.

GypsyMoth · 18/03/2010 09:44

another one here!! ds is also 7....the other boy turns out to be horrendous with everyone,not just my son.....and now the other kids seem to be waking up to it and not having him play with them in the playground no more,when previously he was king in that playground!!

his mother is one unhappy bunny!!

Original poster

stealthsquiggle · 18/03/2010 09:46

Oh he has other friends - he is actually (although he wouldn't say so when he is being down on himself) a popular boy - or so all the other mothers tell me (and it's what I have observed as well) - the child in question is quite incredibly sneaky and manipulative and delights in engineering disputes/upsets/fights and then standing back and watching other people get into trouble. I can't quite believe I am saying that about an 8yo - but I have seen him do it, and so have other people. DS just can't seem to see it .

OP posts:

wickeddevil · 18/03/2010 09:51

If you don't like a particular behaviour your own child has, you would probably manage the situation by explaining to your child that the behaviour is wrong. You wouldn't necessarily label your child as bad.

Could you try this approach (through gritted teeth if necessary)with this child?

You could perhaps explain to your Son that the way this child talks to him is wrong, correcting the mis-information along the way. Thus you would be allowing your son to decide all by himself what a said child is. Far better for his self esteem.....

Original poster

stealthsquiggle · 18/03/2010 10:32

True, WD, and I think that is what I am about really - but I was tired and I have been saying 'that wasn't a nice thing for A to do, was it?' about this bldy child for 3 years now and my DS still can't see through him. In my defence I didn't say he was bad (or nasty, or manipulative, or mean, or any of the far ruder adjectives I would apply to him in private) - I just said I didn't like him.

OP posts:

ShadeofViolet · 18/03/2010 10:44

There is a child in DS1's class who is exactly the same, I cant stand him as all he does is pull my DS apart, tell him his swimming trunks are babyish, is hair is stupid or that he runs like an idiot (All things that he has said). DS has a light brown mole on his nose so this boy has given him the nickname 'Nanny Mcphee'

Yanbu - I would tell him to ignore said child and try and boost his confidence by telling him that what this child says is rubbish. The nasty boy obviously feels very insecure which is why he has to pick apart other children.

coldtits · 18/03/2010 10:50

oh Ds1 has someone like this in his class.

I have told him quite simply "M is a spoilt, spiteful, stupid little dickhead and I guarantee you that every word that comes out of his mouth is wrong. Don't listen to a word he says. That child's an idiot."

And ds1 now feels much more comfortable ignoring him ie "M says my model was rubbish but I don't have to listen to anything he says because he's a spiteful boy"

onebatmother · 18/03/2010 10:54

Quite agree Coldtits. I think it's sending a really odd message to children when we don't condemn vileness just because it's a vile child. I don't think our dc's distinguish like that themselves. It must be very confusing for them.

coldtits · 18/03/2010 10:54

And and and

I don't care that I am effectively calling a 7 year old names and teaching my child to do the same.

I think sometimes children need to know when someone's behavior is beyond the pale that it's ok just to refuse to interact with them. And they need to learn that we are not just the impartial "Mkay"ers, that we are their parents and we love them more than we care about Idiot Spiteful M.

BarbaMamma · 18/03/2010 11:04

It's perfectly OK to give your child a clear steer on what constitutes nasty behaviour and what somoeone's motivations are. If you don't explain this stuff to your DCs, who will? But I'd try to avoid words like 'dickhead' - they might come back to bite you...

MathsMadMummy · 18/03/2010 11:07

Seems like every classroom in the land has a child like this! Why do some people get a kick out of being mean?

You did the right thing IMO. My DSDs have what I call a 'toxic friend' - they were aware we don't like her but they're stuck with it as the girl's mum and DH's exW are best mates... it's better now they're at different secondary schools.

coldtits · 18/03/2010 11:10

Yeah I know. It just flew out before I could stop it.

Poshpaws · 18/03/2010 11:15

I agree with the majority. I think that at 7/8 + it is fine to let your child know that you do not like somebody for a particular reason and it allows them to 'just not like that person'.

DS1 has a friend that I don't like and he knows it(DS1, that is). DS1 is fine with this, as sometimes he does not like him.

ShadeofViolet · 18/03/2010 11:22

Agree with PoshPaws - Much better to tell your DC that he doesnt have to like everybody (especially children that are so mean) than to teach him to fight back.

ChippingIn · 18/03/2010 11:59

stealthsquiggle - you didn't do anything wrong at all. I'm just suprised you held out this long, I told a 3 yo something much the same!! (Before I get flamed, this other 4 yo knew exactly what she was doing!!). [Also, you could congratulate yourself on not twatting this kid over the head with something very heavy!!!! Little shit!!!]. Even if he repeated word for word what you said, it still passes muster!!

Would it be possible for you to talk to the teacher(s) to see if they can 'notice' the things he is good at, that aren't academic - being helpful/kind & in particular anything sporty - even if it's only tiny things.

Original poster

stealthsquiggle · 18/03/2010 12:26

ChippingIn - this is where the 'fault' does lie with my DS - his teachers reinforce all the good behaviour, sports, music, etc achievements all the time - I know they do. When DS calmed down a little I asked him to tell me all the times he had been told that he had done well over the last couple of days - he listed maths, singing, piano, lunchtime, and football (, given that the whole thing started with "I'm horrid and I'm rubbish at all sports") - but all he remembers and focuses on are the nasty comments and any criticism at all (when wound up, as he is, he tends to pass it on to DD, and I did say "DS, that was horrid" when he tried to trip DD up on the stairs).

All I can think of is to carry on trying to get him to see the positives - maybe get him to tell me all the things that went well in his day just before he goes to sleep every night?

OP posts:

violetqueen · 18/03/2010 12:39

Well real issue that is distressing you - as it would me - is your little one's lack of confidence .
As for telling him you don't like one of his classmates - why on earth shouldn't you ?Or I suppose ,why on earth shouldn't you tell him that it's ok to dislike an individual's behaviour ?

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 18/03/2010 12:42

I am having problems with a child in DS clas I posted yesterday and got some lovely supportive replies. God there are some horrible little brats out there. Stealth and Shadesofviolet, you stories in particular are downright bullying. The child my DS has to deal with is an angel compared to some of these stories.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 18/03/2010 12:47

I've done it. The child in question lost a lot of his power over DS1 when DS1 realised that I thought said child was a vile bully. It was as if my not liking him gave DS1 permission to not like him, and therefore not care what he said, either.

gegs73 · 18/03/2010 12:52

I've done it as well. Since I did DS1 has been alot happier at school and has a much wider group of friends. Nothing to feel bad about!

StPatrickAteGreenLentils · 18/03/2010 13:05

Similar things going on here Stealth - I'm sorry to hear so many other boys are going through all this.

Ds's confidence is up since we tried a few tricks though. We only talk about any distressing stuff straight after we get in from school and then 'put away' the upsetting talk until the next day. DS doesn't even tell dh about it when he comes in because it is all finished with and this gives him a chance to have lots of unbothered time.

DS knows that I have been in to see the teacher and knows what I have said to her so he feels supported. He also knows he is held accountable for any silly behaviour he copies, and that if I see him passing on bad behaviour, which has happened a bit, I will not carry on being pro-active about sorting it out.

We've also had a slightly dubious, but effective, 'Get funky' campaign which has involved ds getting new runners, hair gel and encouragement to behave and hold himself more confidently in the yard.

He is really into castles, so the way I explain the thing to him is to say that I am the queen and he is my best knight: I can't change things so there are no battles to fight, but I can show him how to manage some of the tricky situations that crop up in a strong and noble way. I appreciate this sounds like nonsense, but it has helped him.

What saddens me is that DS is actually the kind of boy who gets everyone playing his games in two minutes everywhere but school. Complicated personal circs for the other children in his tiny class mean that he is made to feel much less socially able than he is ...

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