to tell DS that I don't like one of his classmates?

[stealthsquiggle]

My DS (7) is bright, but has incredibly low self-esteem . Tonight, having finally got him to stop crying and to talk semi-rationally about the latest bout of self-loathing, it became clear that he thinks he is rubbish at a whole load of stuff because one of his classmates has told him so.

Now I don't like the child in question and haven't done for some time. I know it's not their fault, and it is directly (ludicrously so) traceable to the mother, but the child (let's call it A) seems to delight in putting other people down. DS is an obvious target, as he is academically high-achieving (and A definitely isn't), but it seems that A has managed to convince him that he is "rubbish" at all sports.

I cracked, and told DS that I didn't like A because A seemed to think the only way to make himself feel good was to make other people feel bad. I probably shouldn't have said that, I know, but it just makes me so angry that DS can be told a million times by us, and by his teachers, how well he is doing, and all he hears is the nasty put-downs from A.

Go on - flame me - but then tell me how I should deal with it.

for all your boys. There are days and weeks when I think my DS is fine - he had a lead role in the school play, will be singing a solo in the next concert, etc, etc - but then it tends, once again, to become clear that it is all bluff and that he doesn't think he is any good at any of this stuff, no matter how many people tell him otherwise.

My main concern is to find a way to address the confidence and self-belief issue ASAP - because if he doesn't like or believe in himself at 7, what is he going to be like as a teenager?

Reading this with interest, sympathy, and lots of vigorous head-nodding. DS1 (9) has a nemesis very much like yours stealth. I had been aware for a couple of years that he would be the one saying negative things to DS about his height, his lack of sporting prowess etc.

Not until I saw him in action on a school trip did I see how he belittles other children. I felt very bad, very churned up and guilty that I'd not taken DS more seriously - he has shown iron self-control (I wanted to lamp this other boy on the trip - and actually ended up saying to him "do you ever say anything nice to anyone ?").

I went into school - they are now supporting DS1 with 1:1 time with a learning mentor, and the boy in question has been involved in a friendship group to d. So far, so good, but I worry the damage has been done

I also feel sad for the other boy - I can see why he might behave as he does, but I still feel angry that some children have the power to hurt in this way. In my really mean moments I've thought of suggesting things DS could say to get back at the boy ...(never would, though)

Sorry I've rambled. But I do think it's OK to tell your child that another child is behaving very badly. I know DS1 got a lot of relief from the fact that I reacted so strongly to this boy. It's a shame i had to see it myself to stop pussy-footing around .....

My sons have a "Jekyl and Hyde" character, but I like the term "toxic friend" just as much. He can be nice and friendly one minute and a right monster the next. I have lost count of the amount of times my boys have come home in tears because he has said something nasty, or he has hit them or even worse got somebody else to hit them. I have told my boys I don't like them spending time with him and that I don't like him. I have found myself glaring at him every time I see him . He no longer asks to come into our house, and if he even knocks for my boys, he knocks the door and scoots back to the gate (that makes me giggle)

Stealthsquiggle, can your DS do anything outside school to help his confidence? Something like cubs/scouts or joining an athletics club? I was pretty unconfident at school and it was a difficult rut to get out of because school was all I did.

Or can your DH do something with him so he gets extra good 'Dad' time? Some positive male company to counteract the little shit boy in his class?

Loving the 'Get Funky' campaign SPAGL, I'll remember that! SOunds like a brilliant idea and just what boys need to show them that being mean to everyone is not the way real men behave.

Sorry but I am going to be the lone voice of dissent here. I couldn't really care less whether anyone tells their DC that such and such a child is horrid or whatever but in all these sorts of threads, it's always someone else's child who is a vile, nasty,evil bully and always our own precious darling who is the innocent victim.

My son comes home at least once a week with a sob story about how so-and-so was mean to him or hit him or did this and that to him. I usually take it with a pinch of salt. I'm 100% sure my son is not the poor downtrodden little victim as he would have me believe and can quite easily stand up for himself.

You are all very quick to label someone else's child when none of you have witnessed the unpleasant behaviour in question and are relying on playground anecdotes and the evidence of primary age children. Children don't necessarily lie but they sure as hell, do not portray themselves in an unpleasant light when telling us what went on at school.

OP, if your son has low confidence or self esteem, then surely it would be better to work on those issues so he then has the ability to shrug off silly criticism from peers.

Stealthsquiggle - tough isn't it!!

There are some great after school programmes that do a variety of sports/games and the focus is on having fun. There was a little boy who lacked confidence (in a different way than your DS), but he absolutely blossomed (even though he was just average at the stuff they did, so it's not like he was a sport star waiting to be recognised!!), he was about 8-9... maybe there is something like this near you??

Things where maybe he's achieving and having fun, but he's not being told he's wonderful/different etc - he's the same/no different/as good...

I think you have to be a bit careful. You are continually telling him how great he is at xyz, the teachers are continually telling him how great he is at xyz- he's getting quite a bit of attention... I think you need to be careful that this doesn't have other 'side effects' ie liking the attention so 'feeling' more rubbish (to get more attention) or having a 'slightly superior' attitude with the other children (because all the adults think he's the best)... I hope you can see what I am trying to say... sorry, can't think of a better way of putting it.

I know what you're saying, ChippingIn - and he gets short shrift from DH and I for using "I'm rubbish" as a shortcut for "I can't be bothered to try" so I don't think we are always telling him how wonderful he is - or that his teachers are singling him out in a way that other children would notice.

Tryharder - I have witnessed this other child manipulating my DS and others - again, it's not specific to my DS - he does it to others too - and the fact that the was the source of the comments was something that I had to drag out of DS - so again, I don't think I am falling for tales-of-the-playground (I learned that particular lesson a while ago when I waded in on DS's say-so and discovered what DS's part in some incident had been ).

We have tried Beavers, but it doesn't really work from the not being different angle because he is the only child from his school in the colony - so the others all know each other from school - and, mainly because of different expectations from the two schools, the leaders tend to single him out for praise for being better behaved than the others . We will have to find something else I think - probably golf, as he loves it and, being an individual game, it is within his control and he doesn't end up worrying about whether other people are playing to the rules .

Tryharder - fair point. I am under no illusions that either of my DSs isn't capable of joining in with nastiness. But I have witnessed this boy's behaviour.

Cubs has worked very well for DS1 in increasing his confidence

Reading with interest. Ds1(^) got told today by his best friends freind and his best friend aswelll that he was fat and stupid and that they would smash his glasses. thsi is the third time since reception. this other little boy is tough as anything. and i don't like him. not keen on his best friend either. no friend treats you this way. why does my son not have the confidence to see this. i am and was a very confident person/child, so this is a mystery to me - bit like stealth's dh, i just don't get it.
so what do we do to improve our childrens confidence ?

Back to being a redlentil now - fair points Chippingin and Tryharder, but as I said I base all my dealings with ds on the basis that I assume he does silly stuff too and it is no more acceptable from him than it is from any other child.

I don't say I don't like a child-and that isn't the issue anyway in our case. I also am very wary of making victimhood attractive which is why we have the 'five minute chat and on to something else' strategy.

When I went in to see the teacher I started by saying 'I'm not here to talk about anyone else's child: I'm here to find out how ds is involved in tricky situations, and what he could do to cope better.'

I don't hold any one boy 'responsible' because I think the bigger issue for DS is how to be a successful boy and deal confidently with other boys in a culture where masculinity is fraught with problems. Does that make sense?

Sorry, that's a bit of a hijack for the broader issues.

Sorry to hear about the stuff today Oblomov. DS has found any incidents involving his glasses very upsetting.

DH got a free pass through all this stuff by being ridiculously clever and ridiculously good at football. I had a trickier time at school and in the end I saw the sensein mum's gentle reminders that friends are there to make you feel good and friends can be chosen or walked away from.

As an adult, I am very overbearing socially confident so the school experience isn't necessarily predictive, thank goodness.

Your thread has really made me think Stealthsquiggle and at first my gut instinct was to disagree with you - but then realised that I would be merely behaving in the way that my parents did with me.

I was constantly bullied throughout my childhood and was always told that I must be exaggerating it and that to just "let it roll off my back".
This tactic did not work - because of the primary reason that i never felt supported by my parents. And still don't to this day really.

I think it's fantastic that you are so protective of him and agree with the other posters to find something extra-curricular to give him a bit more confidence. Mine was ballet - and you could call it a bit of escapism - but it gave me a place to "breathe" as such and learn to trust and like myself.

YANBU
I tell my kids if I don't like kids at their school. Obviously I have a valid reason - like bullying or spitefulness.
My son is now 12 and had a heck of a time at your sons age.
I agree with St Patrick on the 'get funky' campaign. Brilliant idea. SO many times parents forget how shallow kids are when it comes to cool stuff.
For my DS to boost his confidence we made every Monday his day to invite a friend home from school. Nice friends obviously. Girl or boy.
This gave him a chance to develop relationships away from the busy schoolyard to make friends. I feel that once they have those relationships they are also more likely to stand up for each other in the playground against jerks.
He now has a close group of friends that we call the Nerd Squad . They are so like the group in The Big Bang Theory. It's great. Sometimes they need some extra 'help' to form those relationships and friendships.
All the best.

No reason not to tell your kids you don't like others for specific reasons, just try not to end up in a situation like I did where my 7 year old told another 7 year old's mother EXACTLY, verbatim, what I had told him about why her son was never, ever coming to play at our house again