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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ticked if kids distribute party invites at school?

76 replies

parentrapped · 17/03/2010 23:18

in the class, in front of teacher and only to less then half the girls in class who subsequently open, hide in desks and say 'its a secret but nothing' to the rest of the losers watching?

OP posts:
claw3 · 18/03/2010 09:30

PT, my ds has autism and never gets invited to parties or play dates etc. Its not nice seeing him being treated differently, so i can understand how you feel.

Ive given up being angry or getting upset, it gets you nowhere. I instead try to teach my ds, that sometimes things are not fair and you have no control over other peoples words or actions, there is no point in worrying about things you cannot control.

Yes sometimes kids are nasty or spiteful, but that is no reflection on him.

queenoftheslatterns · 18/03/2010 09:38

we have handed out invites to ds's party this morning. he will be 5 in april and this is his first term in school.

last night when we wrote out the invites he said he didnt want one little boy there because he wont speak to him (little boy's first language is not english).

I explained to ds that it was mean to invite everyone else in the class and leave this little boy out, how would he feel etc and he should remember that the other boy might be very lonely and that ds could learn a lot from him.

I was rarely invited to parties at school, was desperately unpopular and its made me very aware of other peoples feelings. op YANBU.

queenoftheslatterns · 18/03/2010 09:40

i should say that we are having ds's party at a community centre, so its just as easy to make sandwiches for 30 kids as for 15.

SingleMum01 · 18/03/2010 09:45

My DS(7) has invited all the class at previous parties - me more than him didn't want anyone to feel excluded. He now has his specific friends so I don't feel it wrong to invite only certain friends.

However one time a close friend (or so I thought) of mine and their child who was a close friend of my DS gave out the invites to his party in the playground and the mum made a point of giving all the invites to other children but not one to my DS in front of my DS if that makes sense. My DS (5) at that time was really upset and couldn't understand why he wasn't invited to the party. I think that was particularly mean by the adult who should have known better - still can't believe an adult can be that mean to deliberately 'hurt' a little child

thesecondcoming · 18/03/2010 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2shoes · 18/03/2010 09:54

tbh I don't get all this having to invite everyone even if you don't like them.
why do adults make children do this? would you invite someone you didn't like to a party??
as for kids getting left out.....it happens it is horrid but it is life.

Original poster
parentrapped · 18/03/2010 09:58

claw, queen and single...bless your hearts. i don't like the no invite in the park story, that is just cold hearted mean. Your children will never grow up to do things like that, if that gives you any comfort. Off to the sun. now i am being shunned ny the Mum because I brought it up..i worked full time for 18 years until this one and being a FTM, so much tougher!

OP posts:
MangoTango · 18/03/2010 10:08

YANBU. The teacher should put the invites in the children's book bags. There's no need for it to be made into a big ceremony with the birthday child presenting invitations to the lucky few while the excluded ones look on. Yes they may find out about it, but there's no need for them to have their noses rubbed in it.

SingleMum01 · 18/03/2010 10:09

PT - obviously I steer clear of the mum now - It wouldn't have bothered me if it was the child but the fact that it was the adult who did it soooo obviously.

Its a minefield out there!

sarahjacey · 18/03/2010 10:19

PT - I don't think you are being over-sensitive at all, kids can be very cruel and the parents can be worse. My DS (5 years old) is home educated and one of the reasons for deciding this course of action was the type of kids that go to our local school, the local home ed group kids are much nicer and kinder for not being put into an environment so young where you have to toughen up or be picked on. A few more years and it will make all the difference, they are much more able at 8 or 9 to let things go over their heads and ignore the nasty ones.Afraid it is a sign of the times...GOOD LUCK!!

claw3 · 18/03/2010 10:23

In ds's school the invitations are given to teacher, she then places them on the table where that child sits.

Ds didnt realise for ages that these were party invitations, when he did finally realise, he thought the teacher decided who went to parties and who didnt! He then couldnt understand why he didnt get one as 'he was sitting quietly and being good'

Heartbreaking, but rejection is something that even kids have to learn to cope with.

ShadeofViolet · 18/03/2010 10:24

My DS is only 3 and has Autism, The playschool he attends is quite small and there have been a couple of parties that he has been the only one not invited to. Its heartbreaking for me, but he has no understanding and couldnt care less about the other children there.

YANBU OP - if the children can understand that they are not being invited then that is even more awful. If It was my DC I would make sure I arranged something extra fun for that day so they dont feel too upset.

queenoftheslatterns · 18/03/2010 10:26

I would also like to say that Ive just recieved a text from the mum of the "new" girl. she started last monday and has struggled to settle in (is still very tearful and misses her old school) saying that she would love to come and being invited has made her very happy.

claw3 · 18/03/2010 10:29

Shadeofviolet, my ds desperately wants to interact with others, he just has no idea about what makes a good friendship. Other children 'use' him for their own amusement.

I sometimes wish, he didnt want to interact at all.

ShadeofViolet · 18/03/2010 10:31

Claw - thats awful, I never thought like that. Maybe I shall stop wishing that DS2 took an interest and let him stay blissfully unaware.

NoahAndTheWhale · 18/03/2010 10:38

DS is 6 and did get upset a couple of weeks ago when he wasn't invited to a party. I was actually there when the invitations were given out (I help with reading) and a boy was giving them out. DS said to him "you're inviting me aren't you - you said you were" to which the boy said "No I'm not, I never said I was".

I had no problem with it but it was a little difficult actually being there and seeing DS's face drop. He had forgotten about it by the time school finished though.

siblingrivalryisrelative · 18/03/2010 10:39

Have I read it right that the girls are 10? Seriously, if your DD hasn't realised she wont be invited to every party by that age then And as for the school telling children not to discuss parties - how ridiculous! Children get excited about parties why shouldn't they talk about them?!

My DS is 5 and even he knows he can't go to them all and isn't slightly bothered if he doesn't get an invite (which the teacher hands out at the end of the day as far as I know)

oldenglishspangles · 18/03/2010 10:49

YANBU - children do have to learn that they will not get invited to every party. However public displays of exclusion are unacceptable.

Parentrapped was right with the mums having coffee example.

annoyingdevil · 18/03/2010 11:05

My DD never gets invited either. She's a bit of a tomboy, I guess that's why. The boys don't invite her either

swanandduck · 18/03/2010 11:14

I agree that this is something children are going to have to learn. In life, you don't get invited to every party or social occasion and if they don't learn to cope with this and accept it, they're going to be very unhappy adults. That being said, there is no way every child in a class bar one should be invited to a party and a mother who allows that is very very wrong. Also, it is terrible to see a child constantly being excluded from parties and in that circumstance I think it is nice to encourage your child to invite them and to be nice to them on the day, not just run off with their friends and ignore him/her.

claw3 · 18/03/2010 11:16

Shadeofviolet, hopefully both of situations will improve, with help on how to interact. There has to be some middle ground!

siblingrivalryisrelative · 18/03/2010 12:20

Parentrapped was right with the mums having coffee example

Seriously? If you think she was right with that example then you obviously have security issues! If that did happen in a group of people I was with I have no doubt the ones not invited would be laughing and asking what the invites were - grown women wouldn't squeal and hide an invite surely?!

I do agree that one or two not being invited is unfair and also that the same ones never being invited is unfair, but that didn't happen here. And the girls are 10 year olds not 4 or 5

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 18/03/2010 12:33

I have always taught DS to be discreet about handing invites out, put them in trays etc. If others find out they find out, but I try to encourage him not to talk about it so as not to hurt the feelings of those not invited. If I could afford it I would invite the whole class. Not at the moment half of them would want to go, but that's another story and another thread.

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 18/03/2010 12:34

Mangotango is spot on with what she said.

lljkk · 18/03/2010 12:35

Dc (age 5,8,10) never come home saying "X is having a party but I'm not invited" -- I think they mostly genuinely don't know when they're not invited (either that or everyone has stopped having parties at all).

So YANBU, I think school has a legitimate pastoral roll in helping to keep the social peace.

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