to really despise boastful parents?

[UpYourViva]

I have one such friend:

"oh little Jimmy can count to one million"

"He can speak fifteen languages fluently and he's only three"

IMO it's a really horrid quality to have

There is a fine line between boasting and being proud. I am lucky enough to have friends who are confident about their child's abilities and we are able to say how well our children are doing and be pleased for each other, likewise, if there are any problems we don't feel the need to hide or gloss over them.

I say it every time on these threads, but I would still rather someone seemed to be boasting. than that just couldn't care less about their children, now that is worth despising

It's funny, since I got made redundant and homeless, those same family members are all smiles.

I completely agree, there is a fine line. There is a massive difference between boasting and being proud, for example if i said:

"mini viva has just started her swimming lessons and is doing really well" then thats just me stating that im proud she is doing well

However, if i was to say 'mini viva has started swimming lessons and she's bloody fantastic, better than most other children in her group' then that would be horribly boastful IMHO

My dd is doing well at school, I would say so if asked how she's getting on, but would hate to feel I was boasting! My ds struggles a bit more and has trouble concentrating, I remember I used to get fed up with a friend of mine who would say she feels 'guilty' because her ds was doing so well compared to mine.

Your friend is probably as others have said insecure and needs to big it up, my friend was also I think insecure at the time and liked to compare how well her ds was doing with my ds. She has plenty of saving graces and is a kind person.

I still haven't forgiven my American SIL for responding, when I told her that DD1 (then 3) could hardly pronounce consonants and that speech therapy had been suggested (she had glue ear) - "Oh X (her DS) is so verbal.." In fact she's not deliberately mean, just so obsessed with her darling son that she doesn't realise what she's saying. But I don't think insecurity comes into it in her case - or indeed some of the mothers I have met at school. For some reason there are hardly any pushies/competitive parents in DD1 (now speaking!) 's class, but a whole depressing cluster in DD2s.

Agree with QuestionsAnswered. Why is it that if someone says 'wow, Johnny counted to TEN the other day' they are boasting. Can't we share positive things about our children? And then be happy to hear other ~(maybe different) things that are great about yours.

If it makes you insecure because your child counts to 5, that's YOUR problem. Maybe your child writes their name - well, that';s great! NOT putting the other child down . My daughter is great at some things, not so good at others. And I do feel the need to accept compliments about my son, by saying something he CAN'T do. How British and rubbish is that? Yes, I agree with modesty but genuine pride isn't a terrible thing, is it?

Of course, if it is totally one-sided boasting, that's different. ANd shows a general lack of sensitivity.

But agree with the poster who asked if it was ok to boast if their child is not as advanced as yours?

I never boast, but have an issue where my 16-month old DD has spoken in full sentences for months and it triggers comments, so then I feel drawn into some conversation where it could be construed that 'I'm going on about her early speech'

Does that make sense?

She said 'I'm a bit bamboozled' the other day at the zoo and someone overheard and commented and I then got drawn into a conversation where I actually felt I was doing down her speaking to NOT seem boasty.

Fraught, isn't it,

It is not a good quality.

it's also not always insecurity, I know people who brag about their own achievements all the time and they seamlessly move on to doing it about their children. These people see it as being "confident" and are highly successful IME.

I do ROFL when my parents try to do it - I sometimes hear something they've said about us and while accurate it's wildly positive - they sometimes do it when confronted with serious braggers who then say "and how are imso and her DB?" and they can't bring themselves to reveal the totally bogstandard truth

I have a friend like this but I really think she has no idea she is doing it. Conversations can be very one-sided because I refuse to enter into the whole competitive boasting game. I'm sure she thinks that ds is probably a bit thick as I don't boast about his achievements.

She also spends a fortune on Kumon Maths and English, I have no idea why, our children are only 5. I know she doesn't mean to but sometimes she can make me feel inadequate as every moment of her childrens day is structured so that it becomes a learning opportunity. When we take the children out for the day she will start turning it into a maths lesson e.g. What shapes can you see in the park? What shape is that building? If you removed half the windows from that shop how many would you be left with? It gives me a headache...

I try not to be that person, but I might be sometimes. I never say (or think) my dd is better than anyone else's, but it is somehow amazing to see your child progress. A month ago she didn't know what her hands are for, now she can pick her nose!

Looking back to those boastful days, it is interesting to see what actually came to pass.

Like the playgroup friend of ds1 who was, allegedly, "put straight onto the advanced table" in Reception Class - despite no such table being known to exist. Now in her late 20s, she's lovely but she ended up with a classic minimum wage "McJob" because all that early promise somehow came to nothing.

Then there's the ds of a friend who, when we went to tea, would be sat on her knee and coached to say "greenhouse" and "looking glass" when the rest of our children were still at the point and "uuuuuuggggghhh!" stage of speaking. He's a lovely young man too. But unlike his allegedly "rather backward" peers, he sailed straight out of school without any qualifications.

Neither of these two young people are failures in any shape or form but their parents were so keen on establishing superiority that it was seen as laughable. As indeed is any boasting that goes beyond the natural pride that we all have in our children and which can establish horrendously high expectations. Something that can be difficult to live with.

Adair- i just stated that it's good to be proud but there is a difference surely?

Do people forget that children have ears? my dd hears everything said friend says about her ds, i feel that if she were a little older (she's 5) she could well feel inadequate

I agree that it's not a good quality, although I wouldn't go so far as to despise people like this.

The worst thing is when you have to listen to another parent boasting for ages about their DC, then they show absolutely zero interest in asking about my children - I just find that plain rude.

I also, bizarrely, came across hardly any of these competitive types in my DS's peer group of parents, but loads from my DD's classes... most of whom I still try to avoid like the plague.

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I'm sure some of the things I come out with sound like boasting to the parents who are insecure enough to compare themselves and their children to others.

I hate the boasting thing and know someone who never lets a sentence slip without some passing reference to something their child has done but in a subtle way.

As a result I think very carefully before I say anything that could be construed in the same way, but sometimes I am just pleased and excited and want to share things and good friends then share back, so maybe the quality of the friendship is also a factor.

But UpYourViva (great name btw ), your dd shouldn't feel bad she can't do things that your friend's ds CAN. My dd can't climb a rope, her friend can. No use pretending 'oh, best not talk about it in case it hurts dd's feelings' - why not just 'oh, isn't it GREAT that xx can climb a rope, maybe you will be able to do that one day!'. Just make sure you remind her what SHE is truly fab at.

I agree there's a fine line to be drawn, and when asked, I do say how well/badly my dc is doing.

BUT not saying anything is a a form of lying, as I've found....

A good friend had been confiding in me for months about how her disappointingly her ds had been doing at reading. I sympathised and did no make any comment about my ds as I did not want to be thought of as boasting. One day this friend was repeating this when another friend was present. Friend 1 made a comment, "even your ds would find it hard" to me. Friend 2 said, "but isn't your ds on the top table for reading?"

I didn't know what to say or where to look when friend 1 looked accusingly at me

To those who have said they dont believe there is anything wrong with being boastful, would you want you own children to have this quality?

I caught my dd boasting to her friend a few weeks back about how she had a bigger bedroom and more toys than he did, i immediately spoke to her about how we dont boast because it makes others feel bad. Should i have praised her behavior instead?

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I know exactly where you are coming from fizzpops but suspect that the difference between boasting and sharing comes down to whether there's more than a one-way dialogue. My friend, Our Lady of the Greenhouses, simply went on and on about her ds's achievements. There was no room at all to share the respective pride we had in our children. Hence me and other friends invited to worship at the Throne of King Baby would come away sniggering about the boasting while also feeling our heads had taken a fearsome competitive battering.

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I had a friend who unintentionally boasted constantly about her son, to the point where I struggled to want to be around her. Her son did everything at least a year in advance of my twin sons, from walking to reading to cycling to various activities and achievements.

I felt SO inadequate around her and when I told her DS2 was being assessed for Asperger's, she asked me not to include him on playdates with her sons and only to birng DS1, in case her son picked up inappropriate behaviour patterns.

DS2 was rejected by the pre-prep that her son got into (DS1 got a place I rejected). Her son was deemd specially gifted and I finally couldn't manage to maintain the friendship...

Fast forward 6 years....DS2 (who has indeed got some Asps traits)and DS1 got into the school her son goes to at age 7. DS2 - whilst geeky - is doing really well - socially and academically. DS1 is also doing fine.

Her son is having major behavioural problems and is ostracised by the other children. He's consatntly in troubel for rude and aggressive and inappropriate behaviour.

Yes, he's v bright but it's only now I see that he's not so extraordinarily gifted as she'd made out. Plenty of other children exceed him in all ways and he's an unhappy child, without even a little clique of friends. He attends the same Special Needs group that DS2 attends to support him socially.

Unfortunately, he's also picked up the boasting modelled by his mother and this really puts off the other children, many of whom have 'even better exam results' than he does but don't say.

It seems to me very sad and when I recently spoke to this mum, who I rarely now see, and asked after her son, she was still reporting how extraordinarily well he's getting on and how specially talented he is.

I no longer compare myself and children unfavourably with her and her son and really feel sorry for them now. I too used to find myself constantly countering her boasts with tales of woe about my twins' progress - or lack of it and the problems each had.

Now I see that we're all just trying to feel as good as we can about our children and maybe she 'over compensated'/ boasted because she was already aware of her son's problems, years ago.

I like to take the view

That my children are so obviously wonderful, that it speaks for itself

Seriously though I think it is interesting - and what pitchounette picks up on - this is partly a cultural thing.

The English (british? I can only speak for the english) despise people who are seen as to big for their boots, getting above themselves and so on. Observe the vitriol reserved for "nouveau riche" people. Thus it is complicated to explain, but I would agree, it is not done to speak of oneself, and by extension one's offspring, too entusiastically. Ditto adults - we like people to be quietly successful and not go on about it, the brash "look at me" approach is something that we recoil from.

And so it is with this I think.

I think despising something meaningless like this is pretty sad. We put a lot of effort into our children, why shouldn't we say when we're pleased they're doing something? Let your friends boast away. It makes them happy and doesn't affect your life one jot.