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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to bring up our son in flat only a tiny balcony for outside space?

52 replies

byanymeans · 17/03/2010 11:49

I currently live in a two bed flat with my partner and son. The flat is a reasonable ish size, well everything but the kitchen (which is tiny) but it is not the space that is really getting me but the lack of outside space for our son to play in, dig in, get dirty and generally be a child in.
It is really getting to me a lot; it has been for the past 2 years since we moved here and its only getting worse.
I was lucky when I was a child as I grow up on a farm which is another reason why I hate the flat so much from never being indoors to have no outdoors is hard.
I feel like by not being able to teach my son about nature and plants (which is a very very big thing to me) and that I?m failing him. I do my best with a tiny balcony we have but it so small that one person can fit out there at a time and it not safe for children really.
I don?t know what to do anymore? I can?t afford to save up a deposit to move back it no private rented (nor can we afford the rent)and no one will swap 1st floor flat with noisy neighbors no outside space for a house with a garden?
Me and my partner work hard to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads but I can't help feeling we are failing our son being able to give him a garden to enjoy?

OP posts:

paisleyleaf · 17/03/2010 13:45

Have you got yourself on a list for exchanges anyway?
One just might come up. It did for my brother and his family. They swapped with a man who's wife had left him and taken the children. There are many reasons why someone might want a flat instead of a house with a garden. My mum recently downsized, now that we've all left home, and she found the garden too much. Some people might want to get to that area for on reason or another.
It's worth just getting on the list.

MadameDefarge · 17/03/2010 13:45

And when he's at school (not very long away) you can start, or become part of a gardening club for the kids...

happysmiley · 17/03/2010 13:46

You need to turn it round and think about all the things you do give him instead! I'm sure you do lots of things with your son that your parents never did with you. It's always the way. I know my kids will miss out on some of the things I did with my parents but I hope they will gain in other ways instead.

MadameDefarge · 17/03/2010 13:46

On a roll here....try contacting social services and see if there is a scheme where you do the gardens of elderly or incapacitated folk?

Bramshott · 17/03/2010 13:57

What about that Landshare thing?

skihorse · 17/03/2010 14:03

You're not going to be tied there until he's 18 though are you? As for showing him nature - can you not go for a walk in the park/by the canal/through the tip?

I do sympathise because I got my BFP just 2 weeks after moving in to a flat with a balcony... - but it's not the end of the world and we will move - but it's a bit daft worrying about it all at this stage!

MadameDefarge · 17/03/2010 14:05

I also wonder, and forgive me if I am wrong. But is there something else bothering you? It seems you are focussing on this one aspect of your life as a source of unhappiness. I suspect you are not happy there, and this appears to be a rational reason for your unhappiness. But it isn't, really.

JollyPirate · 17/03/2010 14:12

I can understand your worries about nthis OP as I am in the same situation with a similar tiny balcony. However, it's worth it as I cannot afford to rent privately at the moment.

I try to get out with DS when I can and also he is old enough to be at school with regular playground breaks.

It's not ideal but is not as bad as we worry about either.

Tiredmumno1 · 17/03/2010 14:18

we had the same problem for years, we used to put a paddling pool on the balcony, although it was a pain to empty and it was worse as we were on the top floor, the only good thing was lovely views, it always upset my ds's that the people on the bottom floor put there big inflatable slide that goes into a pool outside on the grass and we couldnt do the same, in the end we moved to house which i am now being penalised for my some other mnetters on another thread as apparentely most kids make to much noise in garden which is inconsiderate, your damned if you do and your damned if you dont

Tiredmumno1 · 17/03/2010 14:19

i meant by other mnetters - sorry

MadameDefarge · 17/03/2010 14:21

hm, not sure how helpful that was, tiredM. Are you having a crap day?

Tiredmumno1 · 17/03/2010 14:31

do you know what madame i really do think i am, i have his awful feeling of the world being against me today

Original poster

byanymeans · 17/03/2010 14:40

MadameDefarge: In some ways the lack of outside space is not the only problem (like every one has)I have but it one one thing I feel so guilty about. I cant lie I had PND that I never quite got over. I just hate being suck here I cant get the question of could I do more out of my head.

OP posts:

littleducks · 17/03/2010 14:46

I totally empathise with you

We are in a masionette with no garden and no balcony, although i do let kids play for short periods (10 mins or so) on the access balcony outside the front door. I did grow plants inpots outside, just two right by front door but the a drunk youth threw them over one night, and it upset me so much i havent since.

It takes up huge amounts of my day taking them out places just for a bit of fresh air daily and i wish i could open a back door and they could go let off some stream.

We have looked at private rent and sway between the idea of moving and staying, i am worried about money in these times.

And no amount of going to the park etc. is the same

MadameDefarge · 17/03/2010 14:51

well by, the practical answer is yes, you could do more, and there are lots of good suggestions for you to think about.

What you can't change, I am assuming, is your circumstances at the moment. In which case I really think you need to let it go, and use those other ways to do gardening and plant stuff with your dc. Its just a waste of energy, and it could be put to much better use....

At the risk of sounding extremely trite, life ain't perfect, but its what you do with it that counts,not the bits that aren't there, iyswim.

Easier said than done, but at least you can do something practical....

MadameDefarge · 17/03/2010 14:53

tiredM, sometimes there are just days when it is all gruesome, and sometimes its better not come on Mumsnet and do AIBU's! One does have to be in quite a good place to come out the other side of an AIBU pasting still with a smile on your face!

I suggest a nice cup of tea and some rubbish TV.

MorrisZapp · 17/03/2010 14:57

It's all about your own personal perspective. I grew up on a busy main road with bus routes on my doorstep and world class culture within walking distance. When I hear of people moving to the country I think how could you deprive your kids like that!!

I think everybody with kids would love to have a garden, and there are obvious benefits. But for many people the cost is prohibitive so flats it is. I'm up the duff and I live in a top floor flat, but on the positive side it's in a great area with lots of amenities nearby.

Your wee boy will neither notice nor care that he doesn't have a garden. Think back to schooldays - none of us had extra bathrooms, a bedroom each, a huge trampoline outside etc and we all did fine and thought we were lucky with trips to the park etc.

petisa · 17/03/2010 15:09

Don't feel bad. We have a garden but dd never wants to be there - she wants to go to the park! Do you have parks nearby? Imo it doesn't matter whether you have a garden or not, but it IS important to get out of the house and do things, for BOTH of you, especially if you suffer(ed) from pnd.

allegrageller · 17/03/2010 15:13

same here as petisa. My boys go out in the garden for 5 mins and run around screaming for a while, ds1 kicks gravel all over place, then they want to go in and watch telly

I love gardens and gardening now but my mum says until I was a teenager I didn't use our (massive) one much either.

He will approach nature in his own way and you will no doubt help him with that. In the meantime it sounds as if you need more nature exposure yourself what with the PNd and all that. outings for you both are clearly in order.

Tiredmumno1 · 17/03/2010 15:37

lol madame i will give it a go, maybe maury is on

Missus84 · 17/03/2010 15:46

byanymeans - I'm in a similar situation though we don't even have a balcony! Do you live in the city centre? If you're prepared to move out of the city, then I think it will be possible to swap a 2 bed flat for a 2 bed house with a garden. Have you tried the homeswapper website?

Original poster

byanymeans · 17/03/2010 16:28

Missus84: so sorry about your 'similar situation' we would not cope at all with out a balcony at all (I should be greatfull for that a least)
We live 10 min drive away from the city center and would very be happy to move to away from the center however we are both self-employed and our buisness is in the local area so we can't go miles and miles but the problem is a major amount of the council houses are were we live now.
We are currently waiting for the council to give us the ok to be able put the flat on the homeswapper website. But I have been doing a search on lots of swaping site to see whats there, every week but every ones wants a house we a gaden too. Plus the flat across the way is also up for swap (I found this out yesterday) and they have fitted carpets and has had a new kitchen which ours has none of this and she has had it up for swap for over a year with no interest ether.

OP posts:

Missus84 · 17/03/2010 16:50

It's much tougher if you need to stay in the same area I think our plan is in a couple of years to just swap to pretty much anywhere in the south west - we're in the centre of Bristol and don't mind ending up in a small town somewhere. Hopefully the lure of being so central will compensate for giving up a garden.

Original poster

byanymeans · 17/03/2010 17:30

Missus84: We were going to put the flat up to be able to move closer Weston-super-mere were my Dad lives but then the he told me he was moving to France. Plus we got the chance get funding and help to start the buisness if we stayed in the area which is better then JSA any day but we are stuck staying around the same area.
Though from what my dad said when we looked into moving to the W-S-M area (or at least closer then a 4 hour drive), some people would swap a house to a flat in a town if you can afford to move some were new: so finger crossed for long term plans to move.

OP posts:

JemL · 17/03/2010 18:27

I feel for you OP; we are also in a 2 bed flat - a very small one - with 2 DS's. We are extremely fortunate to have a large balcony - but it is still a balcony!

Some things to try, apologies if these have been suggested; contact your local Wildlife Trust; they normally do activities for toddlers and children.

The BBC Breathing Spaces website is good to try, also look at the Heritage Lottery Fund website for your region, as that often lists projects happening in your area which they have funded.Local Council Parks / Countryside departments also often run activities, and all of these should be free or minimal costs.

I know no extra activities, etc, are the same as having a garden, but it helps to make it feel a bit better!

Good luck with homeswapper too.

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