Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a house guest foisted on me two days after a C-section?

50 replies

Sunnydale · 17/03/2010 11:08

DD2 is due April 30th. Brother in law has just announced he's booked a flight to China on May 3rd. He is expecting to stay with us in London the weekend before his flight. This coincides beautifully with when I'll just have got out of hospital after a c-section. Not having an exact date for the C-section yet, either I'll have been home for a couple of days, or he may even be here when I walk through the front door with the new baby. Am I being unreasonable that the thought of this makes me want to weep? I just want it to be me, DH and DD. Isn't the first few days of a baby's life suppposed to be a special time, not a time to be putting up camp beds and washing sheets? What would you do?

OP posts:
DorotheaPlenticlew · 17/03/2010 11:10

I think you have every right to say this is not going to work for you! Does BIL have any kids -- ie does he have any idea about this stuff at all from personal experience?

How does your DH feel about it -- would he be willing to tell his brother it's not on? (without saying "Sunnydale won't allow it ...", obviously)

MrsHappy · 17/03/2010 11:11

I would say no, send him some details of local hotels and tell him he is welcome to pop by.

CMOTdibbler · 17/03/2010 11:11

I would tell him that you are sorry, but with a very new baby you will not be able to have guests then. If he needs to stay over in London, he can stay in a hotel.

Be firm. You are not a hotel to be booked into when people choose

Poledra · 17/03/2010 11:11

Tell him to find a hotel. Seriously. If you don't want home there, don't have him there.

I had my parents there when I came home from my em c-s with DD1, but I was happy with that (they did all the work and let me put my feet up!).

titchy · 17/03/2010 11:11

Tell him to book a hotel! Or rather get your dh to tell him to book a hotel.

thedollshouse · 17/03/2010 11:11

I would say that you are sorry but it really isn't practical as it is likely that you will have just returned from hospital.

Travel lodges are only £50 a night why can't he book himself into one of them?

Poledra · 17/03/2010 11:11

him there, obviously!

myfaceisatomato · 17/03/2010 11:12

No. Travelodge is what, £70 a night even in London?

MmeLindt · 17/03/2010 11:12

Tell him no. He can pay for a hotel.

BariatricObama · 17/03/2010 11:14

tell him he can come if he agrees to clean the bathroom and be on catheter changing duties (not that you will have a catheter but it should put him off)

warthog · 17/03/2010 11:15

no fucking way

PatsyStone · 17/03/2010 11:16

No way! YANBU I've had c-sections and I could not have entertained staying house guests two days later, and I am the first person to raise an eyebrow at people who ban guests full stop (for an hour or so) when they have a newborn. This is not fair on you, you will be sore, tired and hormonal, and you will need your own space.

Agree with the others who think a hotel is in order!

Poledra · 17/03/2010 11:16

Look, a unanimous AIBU!!

cory · 17/03/2010 11:21

Only reason for having family staying after child birth is if they are doing the work for you. I would tell BIL that you are very grateful for his offer to come to stay, that you will of course be expecting him to do the catering and general housework as your dh and yourself will be busy with the new baby. Oh, and that you'd rather like a nice cake to greet you when you get out of hospital

Stillcounting · 17/03/2010 11:24

Absolutely not!!! I only started to feel vaguely human 4 days after my cs. He's out of bounds to "expect" it without clearing it with you first.

You may not even be out of hospital yet ...

Up to your dh to let him know it's not convenient ....the earlier he does, the easier it will be.

Men just don't "get" this sort of thing. My dh invited a friend of his around for lunch the day I got out of hospital and they ended up talking business while I hobbled about laying the table and making a salad ....

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/03/2010 11:26

No no no no no.

No need for it to be a big family-schism thing. Just explain that the doctor has told you absolutely no exertion or guests for the first week. Feel free to lie.

Original poster
Sunnydale · 17/03/2010 11:26

Er, what is AIBU?
Thanks for your replies. I'm so glad you all broadly agree with me. You know what it's like when you're pg and worried you're being unreasonable.. now I feel convinced I'm not being. BIL doesn't have any kids - he is single. I feel sorry for DH because this has been landed on him too. But unfortunately, DH has this weird guilt thing with his brother where he can't say no to him. There is no way he would "allow" him to stay in a hotel. There is also, sadly, no way I can see that we won't have a major disagreement about it. I've had a c-section before and the first week afterwards was a blur. I really can't bear the thought of a house guest. We already talked about how we wouldn't have any guests for a week or two - even our mothers - as last time everyone came too early and it was all too much. Oh lordy, how do I break this to DH nicely? He will feel trapped between my needs and his brother's, but on this occasion I think mine need to be put first. SO ANGRY at his BIL for putting us in this situation. So, so selfish.

OP posts:
duchesse · 17/03/2010 11:28

Have it a couple of days later, you'll be in hospital when he comes and you won't have to worry about him. I doubt you'd be out in two days anyway would you? Anyway, he can make his own bed, or your DH can. You must not.

Nemofish · 17/03/2010 11:29

I would tell your bil that you are very grateful that he is coming to help with the screaming newborn and cook lunch and dinner for you while you recover from a major operation and are unable to cater for him. Then watch him hurriedly change his plans...

2old4thislark · 17/03/2010 11:29

YANBU - tell him to stay in a hotel! I had a C section - it's a serious op, apparently!

Otherwise tell him that he can help with yr other child, cook, clean and make beds etc. Think he'll prefer a hotel!

Poledra · 17/03/2010 11:32

AIBU - Am I Being Unreasonable?
YANBU - You Are Not Being Unreasonable

ArcticFox · 17/03/2010 11:34

Don't feel sorry for DH. He needs to man up/grow a pair/ whatever. You and your baby are his priority, not his BIL who can check into a hotel.

If he cant be honest with his brother, who can he be honest with? That's the good thing about siblings- you can really pee them off and they always get over it (works both ways obviously)

If it makes you feel better, my mother is coming to visit when our baby is born (first grandchild). She is flying 12 hours to get here and is still staying in a hotel, as are all other visitors, because I can't face a new baby in a 2 bed flat with people sleeping on inflatable beds on the sitting room or nursery (aka bedroom 2)floor.

Bramshott · 17/03/2010 11:37

YANBU - but your BIL probably doesn't have any idea, so rather than being malicious, he is just being dense. Your DH needs to spell it out to him.

ReneRusso · 17/03/2010 11:39

I really think your DH should respect your wishes and sort this out. But if he won't, do you know your BIL well enough to drop him an email along the following lines?

Dear BIL,
I do hope you will drop by when you're in London, it would be lovely to see you. Unfortunately it won't be convenient for you to stay over. With a brand new baby in the house, things will obviously be utter chaos and there will be no chance of regular meals or even decent conversation!

Blah blah
look forward to seeing you etc.
Best wishes
Sunnydale

Fluffyone · 17/03/2010 11:40

It's not just that there will be a brand new baby in the house, you will be recovering from surgery!