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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a house guest foisted on me two days after a C-section?

50 replies

Sunnydale · 17/03/2010 11:08

DD2 is due April 30th. Brother in law has just announced he's booked a flight to China on May 3rd. He is expecting to stay with us in London the weekend before his flight. This coincides beautifully with when I'll just have got out of hospital after a c-section. Not having an exact date for the C-section yet, either I'll have been home for a couple of days, or he may even be here when I walk through the front door with the new baby. Am I being unreasonable that the thought of this makes me want to weep? I just want it to be me, DH and DD. Isn't the first few days of a baby's life suppposed to be a special time, not a time to be putting up camp beds and washing sheets? What would you do?

OP posts:

catastrojb · 17/03/2010 11:41

not U at all - no way. Even if you were thinking positively about the idea I would advise waiting as you really don't know how you will feel. Say no, firmly. Failing that, do you have any midwife-led units nearby that you could spend a few days hiding recuperating in after the op? We have one that you can be transferred to - might be worth looking into, then whoever is at home is not a problem anyway!

zipzap · 17/03/2010 11:41

COuld you ask your bil to change the dates of his flight as you'll just have had dd2 and after the horrors problems of having guests so close after dd1 was born you had all already decided that you weren't having anybody to stay for at least the first couple of weeks.

OK So I know that bil is unlikely to change his flight but you are unlikely to change your dates (assuming new dd arrives on schedule) either and what he is asking of your is far more unreasonable than asking him to change his dates.

but if you put it that way around it might just make him stop and think a bit more rather than trying to say straight out that he will need to get in a hotel.

And if he tries the 'but it's only me' line, point out that he's just as much work as your mothers were and they were too much too early last time.

finally, got to start reminiscing (sp?) with dh about your dd's birth and getting him to remember how hectic it was, and how bad it was having visitors too early. and how he had agreed that you wouldn't have anyone to stay initially afterwards - if you say for a couple of weeks then that gives you room to manoever back to a week and still be (relatively) happy!

And if after all that he still turns up - can you just say thanks, you were stuck for someone to look after dd1 and the rest of you those days and you're glad that he'll do it!

fingers crossed it all works out!

mazzystartled · 17/03/2010 11:47

You will NOT be fit to do anything other than feed your baby and accept offerings of food and flowers.

You need your DH to understand that a C/S is MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY. Your priority (and his) is to recover and look after your new baby.

That said, if you like your BIL and he wanted to stay just one night, buy you all a take-away, prepared to sort out his own bedding and food, it could be ok. I quite liked having other people (admittedly close, self-sufficient, helpful people) around. But if the very idea is stressing you out it has to be a "sorry but this time we can't help". Give him the benefit of the doubt though, he probably has no clue.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/03/2010 12:03

Yes, the BIL probably has no idea how inconvenient it is.

Drop him and email as ReneRusso suggested, if your DH won't.

Anyone who would be insulted by this, is IMO a bit of a wally.

GeekOfTheWeek · 17/03/2010 12:14

OP, YANBU.

On top of abdominal surgery you will have a brand new baby, sore boobs, leaking fanjo, stitches, hormonal mood swings and frequent visits from the midwife.

Definately NOT the time for a houseguest.

Shaz10 · 17/03/2010 12:19

Agree with other posters that it's just not occurred to him. I'm sure he won't mind if it's explained to him.

Shaz10 · 17/03/2010 12:20

Meant to add he probably thought it would be nice to pop in and see the baby! Not realising all the other stuff.

HalfTermHero · 17/03/2010 12:21

Oh please don't torture yourself any further! You or dh must tell bil 'no' , it is not happening. No way is it reasonable. Please do it today and I promise that you will feel so much better.

justallovertheplace · 17/03/2010 12:22

Tell him to get a hotel. I'll never forget my family coming down to 'help' after I'd had my tonsils out as an adult. Involved bringing my teenage brother and sister without telling me they were coming, who could easily have stayed at home and clearly didn't want to be there, as a result of which my own dd and I had to sleep on the floor to accomodate them all
Strangely enough my family haven't been invited back since

StepSideways · 17/03/2010 12:30

YANBU

Original poster

Sunnydale · 17/03/2010 12:44

Aah, thanks everyone. I agree that BIL is more being a clueless single man than a selfish one. He simply won't have thought. I'm more worried about DH's reaction when I tell him I don't want BIL to stay. Well, tough tittie. If we argue, we argue. I don't want anyone else in the house that soon after a c-section, end of. It'll be our first weekend with a new baby. A special time that can never be repeated. Thanks all for giving me the conviction to say no!

OP posts:

mamakoukla · 17/03/2010 12:45

YANBU. I had visitors a few weeks after DD was born. I was doing too much and was worried that I would not be on course for my six week check up as I started to bleed more heavily (sorry for TMI). I asked my MIL and stepmum to help as I was worried but neither lifted a finger... MIL has three children and stepmum is a nurse, so they understand what I was talking about. I won't have them in the house (if) there is another DC; people can be selfish so you need to think of what is best for yourself and your family.

mamakoukla · 17/03/2010 12:47

... by selfish I mean unthinking not ncessarily only thinking for themselves.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/03/2010 12:54

Good - go for it !

Freezingmyarseoff · 17/03/2010 13:00

YA definately NBU for all the reasons everyone else has mentioned.
If DH doesn't want BIL to stay in a hotel, do you have any friends who could put him up for the night if he needs to be in London the night before his flight. Staying for the weekend is just not on, but he probably doesn't have a clue.

oldraver · 17/03/2010 13:43

Heathrow Travelodge is £29 if booked now.. send your BIL a link

porcamiseria · 17/03/2010 14:08

Sunny I feel your pain, a rather simple friend of DP s booked flights to stay for TWO FUCKING WEEKS exactly coinciding with DS due date. I was a wreck, and DP refused to send him away, said if baby came he could go to hotel. In the end he stayed, and waters broke the eve he left!!!! by god, the rows we had were nuclear

try and get DH to say no, BUT if he says no to this, and wont let you email, try not to let it ruin things. In hindsight it ruined the last few weeks of my PG with stress about this.

IF he must stay, make zero effort and lets hope its only 3 nights, you will survive

But here is hoping DH sees sense

what a selfish twat

DilysPrice · 17/03/2010 14:21

Can't you skip your DH and go via your MIL? If she's remotely reasonable then she should be able to explain nicely that this is not a goer (and also that there will be zero sleep or food on offer to anyone in the house that week).

parakeet · 17/03/2010 23:02

If you need any more tips, how about saying to BIL and husband that you have had MEDICAL ADVICE that house guests are out of the question after the operation.

Not a lie. We have given you the medical advice.

domesticslattern · 17/03/2010 23:15

One of the biggest regrets of my life is allowing house guests in DD's first week. I spent time looking after them (they didn't have kids, obviously) and not my new baby- the day after they finally fucked off, DD and I piled back into hospital again as I hadn't spent enough time establishing bf so DD was quite unwell. And that was without a CS in the equation.

Be strong sunnydale.

LittleSilver · 17/03/2010 23:19

OMG YA SO NBU!

Your DH needs to man up and TELL his brother that this is just not on.

Like DS above, one of my regrets is having Ils to stay ten days after my perfectly reasonable VB. I spent the whole time rushing after them and not establishign bf. Shall I tell y'all a little secret? Next time the BandB is getting booked as soon as I hit 12/40.

Show your DH this thread. Maybe send a link to you D (but lacking in thought) BiL as well. Good luck!

seashore · 17/03/2010 23:22

Tell him NO WAY. You will never get that special first week back again, it's best to not have any regrets.

mazzystartled · 18/03/2010 08:58

In terms of making an argument I think any "special first week" stuff will seem really unconvincing to a man who wants to make his brother happy - so I would play it down.

I would go in hard with the post-op angle. Perhaps DBIL would like to google some images of C Sections? Or watch One Born Every Minute? And maybe DH would like to cast his mind back to last time.

Am sure if your DH understood how dreadful the prospect made you feel he would understand that your need for peace, privacy, time to recover is greater than his brother's for a cheap stopover. But you should at least be prepared to let him come round for a meal (takeaway I suggest).

SPBInDisguise · 18/03/2010 09:02

invite him over this weekend
sit down for dinner naked from the waist up. Serve cereal, and shout OW every 5 minutes. Have the TV on something irritating a little too loud to talk.
Just to prepare him

DorotheaPlenticlew · 18/03/2010 11:49

Sunnydale, we're all outraged on your behalf so do let us know how you get on

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