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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh want let me reduce work hours even though its making me ill

76 replies

Sunshine78 · 16/03/2010 13:23

My dh is supportive when he wants to be. As he is self employed and during the credit crunch has not always been paid I increased my hours at work. I do the extra hours from home in an evening (often having been at work in the day) I have done this for 18 months. I have been ill with infection after infection all winter. I am now off with depression caused I'm sure by exhaustion. Due to long working hours and looking after 2 dc 6 and 3 (I do bulk of child care Dh leaves before 8 and not home till 6.30/7ish/ all cooking and laundry) Dh cleans the house once a week and tidys at night (I am past the point of seeing stray toys!)

Any way I just want to halve the hours I do at home which would mean losing £90 a month which could be saved if we stopped putting money into an ISA. Problem is Dh was brought up to save no matter what (and recently have had to use savings just to get by) I however feel at the moment and at furhter risk to my health savings are a luxary.

When tried to talk to Dh about this he jsut says no to reduced hours as we cant afford it!

Feel like I am not supporting him and am letting him down by not contributing as much as I can.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 16/03/2010 13:25

He can't force you to do the extra hours.

thisisyesterday · 16/03/2010 13:26

he is being very selfish and unreasonable.

just do it! he can't stop you and if you are unwell you need to do what is best for you.

don't ask him, tell him you are doing it

MaryAnnSingleton · 16/03/2010 13:29

Dear God - just do it - health is more important right now

anastaisia · 16/03/2010 13:30

YANBU

would he feel better/be more likely to talk sensibly about it if you put a time on it; I will do less hours for 3 months and then we will talk about the possibilities again.

So not committing to going back to full hours but not ruling it out if you feel up to it.

LittleMrsHappy · 16/03/2010 13:30

If it were my dh,he would be told to feck off! and be TOLD that I am doing it weather he likes it or not! my health is more important that £90 sodding pound a week!

Im sure you can reduce your monthly bills, (saving.com sites etc) meal planing etc...

LittleMrsHappy · 16/03/2010 13:31

"whether"

chicaguapa · 16/03/2010 13:32

Tell him you'll have even less money if you end up on long term sick!

ImSoNotTelling · 16/03/2010 13:34

"Problem is Dh was brought up to save no matter what"

Presumably he was brought up to work hard and save his own money

Not to flog his nearest and dearest half to death so he has something to put away.

You can afford to stop doing it, so stop doing it. Does he understand that this is making you ill?

Original poster
Sunshine78 · 16/03/2010 13:34

Ta everyone - think due to being so depressed I am just not being very strong and trying to do anything to keep the peace. Will have to sit him down tonight!

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 16/03/2010 13:35

How long have you been signed off for?

pranma · 16/03/2010 14:03

He has no right to 'let' or not 'let' you do anything at all.If you need to reduce hours just do it.He should be ashamed of himself imho.

SheWillBeLoved · 16/03/2010 14:10

£90 a month? That's all he puts on your health? He sounds like a right gem. Tell him if he doesn't like losing £90 a month, then he can go and work for somebody else to be sure that he will get paid each month.

HalfTermHero · 16/03/2010 14:14

Stand up to the selfish cunt. If his fucking ISA is so important he can go out on an evening and work a shift at a McDonalds drive through. His second job can furnish the ISA. You need to start putting yourself first. Selfish people will walk all over you if you choose let them.

fallon8 · 16/03/2010 14:29

have you checked to see if you are getting all your benefits?

expatinscotland · 16/03/2010 14:35

First of all, this isn't a 'd' h.

Secondly, he can't force you to work extra hours.

What HalfTerm says.

If it's that important to him, he needs to find a way to earn it himself.

GladioliBuckets · 16/03/2010 14:39

I would have a chat with him just in case he is also feeling ill with all the strain. You never know, he could be depressed too and petrified of change in case he falls apart himself.

GetOrfMoiLand · 16/03/2010 14:45

This is ridiculous. You are not working those extra hours to pay the gas bill or put food in your mouths. It is going into a saving plan which, nice as it is, is not a necessity.

Christ poor you OP no wonder you are depressed with the strain. My DP is far from perfect but in no way would he crack the whip like this.

It is not even a conversation we would have. But if we did, I would have no hesitation in telling him to fuck right off.

Thing is OP - you don't sound like you feel you have the right to stand up to him. The way you worded your OP - 'DP wont let me reduce hours'. He is not your boss, or your dad. This is also not 1834. You do not have to work these extra hours.

I would just tell him no, I am not doing it, I am ill and feeling down. The roof isn't going to fall in if we miss paying into the ISA for 6 months.

So he has firm ideas and moral re saving does he? Not so firm ideas and morals about looking after his wife's ill health though.

megonthemoon · 16/03/2010 14:55

I think everyone is being surprisingly harsh on OP's DH here!!!

From what OP says, it sounds like she has only brought the subject up with him once, and his immediate reaction might have been "how can we afford to lose that much per month?" and then the conversation didn't go any further. If he is working long hours too, he is probably quite knackered and may not be coping either. So he may just not have been thinking straight, or not really have twigged that the extra hours are the cause of your ill health, or even have thoiugh about cutting ISA savings. OP doesn't say he has outright refused to do that, just that she thinks he might not want to. He doesn't sound fundamentally like a bad DH to me - he does tidying and cleaning when is in the house at least, rather than leaving it all to OP. And these sorts of things are not always solved in one quick conversation. So I personally think he should be given a chance before the great MN jury condemns him as a shit husband!

OP, I'd suggest telling him you'd like to talk about what you can do between you to try and improve your health - that may be cutting your hours, or may be taking the burden of housework off you (spoending some of the ISA savings on a cleaner for example) may help equally. You should also make it clear that you are open to a two way discussion - maybe he wants to talk stresses and strains he is under and how you can share the burden. Maybe he wants to work fewer hours too but doesn't feel able to bring it up given your current health is poor so maybe he is carrying this himself?

It may take a few discussions to get to the bottom of it and come up with a suitable solution. Persevere! DH and I had a similar situation recently (different circs but similar in that no answer was forthcoming after just one discussion) but we came to an agreement after a few attempts.

ScreaminEagle · 16/03/2010 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SouthMum · 16/03/2010 14:56

To keep the peace (if you want to that is) can you say that work will no longer pay you the extra hours due to the credit crunch?

megonthemoon · 16/03/2010 14:58

And kind of shocked that everyone thinks she should just cut her hours without any discussion with her DH. If my DH cut his hours and hence our income without any discussion with me about the financial impact, you'd probably all be telling me I'd be right to be fuming!

megonthemoon · 16/03/2010 14:59

But if OP has actually tried to discuss it several times and each time he has point blank refused, and if he has also outright refused to cut ISA savings (hence putting that above her health), then I stand corrected and am probably with the majority on this that you should just then do it!

expatinscotland · 16/03/2010 14:59

She's not working at all right now because she signed off.

And the extra money was to put in an ISA, not buy the fuel bill.

megonthemoon · 16/03/2010 15:02

But expat - he may think that she just needs this break and then will be fine to go back to her full hours. We don't know how in depth her discussion with DH was about this.

And she has not said that he has refused to cut the ISA payment, just that he has been brought up to save and the amount they are losing is equivalent to what would go in the ISA. Everyone is assuming he has refused to cut the ISA!

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2010 15:02

i think people are being quite mean
he works 11 hour days, cle4ans once a week & does all cooking and laundry
he is not lazy
yes the money goes into savings but the OP says they've recently had to live off savings
not saying he's right, this can't continue but i don't think it's fair to imply he's mean or lazy