Dh want let me reduce work hours even though its making me ill

[Sunshine78]

My dh is supportive when he wants to be. As he is self employed and during the credit crunch has not always been paid I increased my hours at work. I do the extra hours from home in an evening (often having been at work in the day) I have done this for 18 months. I have been ill with infection after infection all winter. I am now off with depression caused I'm sure by exhaustion. Due to long working hours and looking after 2 dc 6 and 3 (I do bulk of child care Dh leaves before 8 and not home till 6.30/7ish/ all cooking and laundry) Dh cleans the house once a week and tidys at night (I am past the point of seeing stray toys!)

Any way I just want to halve the hours I do at home which would mean losing £90 a month which could be saved if we stopped putting money into an ISA. Problem is Dh was brought up to save no matter what (and recently have had to use savings just to get by) I however feel at the moment and at furhter risk to my health savings are a luxary.

When tried to talk to Dh about this he jsut says no to reduced hours as we cant afford it!

Feel like I am not supporting him and am letting him down by not contributing as much as I can.

ISNT - you're right - I missed that comment.

The OP only said they spoke once and he said no as they can't afford it. That is what I would say initially if my DH asked to drop his hours as every pound we have is committed in one way or another. It would take me a little while to work out the finances sufficiently to realise it is doable. For example, we need to get a bigger car as we have DC2 on the way and I said we can't afford the repayments so no way, but then DH pointed out we are overpaying on our mortgage slightly so could use that money for the car. I wasn't really thinking about what we could adjust, just about the fact that every pound we have coming in is 'committed' one way or the other. It took a little while to see that there were options. Maybe that is just her DH's initial reaction to any money question, and he would look at it more favourably with time or a few suggestions from OP on what could go.

She doesn't go into any more details, but everyone has assumed that she asked a gazillion times and he said no. He does help out at home when he is there e.g. he tidies every night as she is "past the point of seeing stray toys" (sounds like he has noticed that she isn't handling things and is doing something to help out) and does the big clean too. That sounds quite caring - of course it is the minimum he should do, but it doesn't suggest he is a selfish twat who puts his ISA above his wife as everyone seems to suggest.

I just hate it when the initial response on MN is to slag off DHs when the initial facts don't necessarily support that. In this case this DH doesn't sound quite so bad, maybe just a little thoughtless. I stand to be corrected by the OP of course - if he is refusing after several requests then he is absolutely a twat but at the moment I have seen no evidence to assume that!

My dh wouldn't even wait until i 'ask' him. He would have suggest it himself if he see me ill.

Also we don't know if she raised it when he was knackered after a bad day at work, or had just tidied up, or just dealt with a sick child, or had a headache, or was watching football or something. If she's asked repeatedly he's a twat; if she's only asked once before coming onto MN to ask what we think then he definitely deserves another opportunity to talk about it first before we all add him to the MN Shit DH List.

No. I just don't understand why, when his wife is signed off work with depression, and says it would be a good idea to reduce her hours, he gives a flat no and doesn't even discuss it. I just can't imagine DH behaving like that.

How many hours a week are you working exactly Sunshine?

It is hard to answer your question without that information

Too right screamineagle. I'm fucking knackered and I do sod all. Hence why I may be in a bit of a strop this evening...

Can't wait to get back to work if I'm honest for a nice rest.

With the free nursery hours, if the OP is working say 3 days that's all used up + they'll be paying a bit extra. My guess is she has the 3yo when she's not working, and we all know what malevolant lively little brutes loves they can be.

The OP refers to working "long hours" so I don;t think she's doing 2 hours a day.

Where does she say she's working outside the home 2 hours/day?

Didn't sound like examples, hence, why I wondered where the OP had said she worked 2 hours/day outside the home.

Like GetOrf, I don't consider a once a week tidy and a nightly toy tidy fair share at all.

Even if she weren't working at all.

I worked hours similar to GetOrf and came home and did the fair share.

That's what you do when you have kids.

As my father always says: If you want an easy life, don't have kids.

What megonthemoon and thesecondcoming said.

Incidentally, where has the OP gone?

I reckon she ran screaming to the hills...

Quick update for anyone interested. Talked last night and he has agreed to let me reduce my hours. Although now feel guilty I am not contributing enough but hey being a mum is all about guilt!

He is a Dh for all thoughs who say he's not but he was brought up in a house where both parents worked FT so PT work is not the normal way of thinking for him and being self employeed with 15 employees all dependant on you keeping the business going through a credit crunch does add to the pressure.

Well done to you both hope it works out for you! X

Glad that some of the pressure is off. Don't feel guilty - better to do half the hours now that run yourself into the ground and have to cut back more/stop entirely.

Take care and I hope your DH business is OK through this time as well.

Great - glad your DH has listened and agreed to the best solution

I have a friend whose DH is a bit similar about FT vs PT - his mum suffered badly from depression when SAH, and FT work really helped her get back on track so he now finds the idea of PT/SAH quite scary as he has the experience of that not being good but FT being great IYSWIM. But not everyone is the same, and it sounds like fewer hours should be better for your family.

I hope the reduced hours help you. Please don't feel guilty - it will hopefully give you time to be a better DW, a better mum and most importantly a happier you! There's nothing to feel guilty about there, and you will no doubt more than pull your weight in other ways.