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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking DD is being really nasty here? or am I over reacting?

99 replies

Enchilada81 · 16/03/2010 11:50

DD and her friend went to the same primary school for years but then different secondary schools. They have kept in touch though via texting and facebook and occasionally go to each others houses.

Anyway they're in year 8 now so have been in secondary school for around 2 and a half years.

Last week, this girl came around to our house for tea. They had fun, played on the wii and it was a pleasure having her.

DD is supposed to be asking her to stay overnight in a couple of weeks (as DD has stayed at her house overnight a few times).

Anyway, I've just been on facebook to see DD and her mates from school ripping the piss out of this girl saying she's a lesbian and "it's always been obvious" etc. It was in response to one of those quiz things but the worst bit about it is it will actually be published on the girls own fb wall.

There's about 3 of them, including DD laughing and jeering about the poor girl. DD at one point says "aww i'm only jking chaz" but then a bit further down says "do u really think she could b a lezza? lol"

At the end of it, one of the girls says "she will b able to c all this lol"

I think its awful. DD will no doubt say it was just a joke and "chav" will know that but I think its really bitchy. I can't imagine her wanting to come here to sleep over when she reads all that either.

Am I over-reacting? is this just what kids are like now?

OP posts:
poshwellies · 16/03/2010 12:25

Out of order Kimi.

4andnotout · 16/03/2010 12:26

I would delete her post and ban her from Facebook for a set period of time too.

I was bullied as a teen and last week I saw the main ringleader in a local town, I mentioned it to dp that she made my life a bloody misery turning all my friends against me, seeing her made it all come back

OtterInaSkoda · 16/03/2010 12:28

Sorry this isn't at all helpful but I can't help feeling sad that it's still an insult to call a girl a lesbian. It's a fucking outrage, actually.

JaneS · 16/03/2010 12:29

Agree, Otter.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/03/2010 12:29

GetOrf - DS1 has been bullied, and it's just terrible. It makes you feel so angry, so powerless. And I wanted the boy who was doing it stopped for his own sake as well

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/03/2010 12:31

I agree Otter. And I spoke to the deputy at DSs school because my two sons had come home and used the term Gay to insult each other ....

TheFirstLady · 16/03/2010 12:31

GOML - it breaks my heart reading what your DD went through. I think it is something for all us parents of teenage girls to bear in mind that we need to be come down hard and fast if we see our girls getting involved in that sort of bullying behaviour.

Kimi -

KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent · 16/03/2010 12:32

As the mother of a child driven to almost killing them self by bullies I have no time for nasty little girls/boys who go out of their way to hurt and upset other children.

Think how you would feel if your child was on the receiving end of these girls vileness?

It IS a nasty bitchy thing to do, no matter how you look at it.

thesteelfairy2 · 16/03/2010 12:32

Sounds like she may have got caught up in it with her friends. I remember behaving totally out of character just because my friends were. Still unpleasant though.

When you talk to her about it I would say to her alongside the talk on how awful this girl must feel, "this might seem funny and just a laugh to you now but I can assure that when you are grown up and look back on this you will be really embarassed and ashamed of it and wish you could change it so why not change it now so you don't have to feel like that".

Kimi you sound like a nutter sometimes, you really do.

girlafraid · 16/03/2010 12:33

you sound like a gerat mum, if only there were more like you

i'm sure she's being pulled along and maybe in her heart of hearts doesn't mean it but pull her up now and i bet it doesn't happen again

JaneS · 16/03/2010 12:33

Kimi, fair enough to use the adjective, but leave off labeling the OP's daughter a bitch.

thesteelfairy2 · 16/03/2010 12:34

GOML - Brilliant that you got her out of there. My parents never would and I was bullied horribly at school. My Dad was military and of the face up to it school of thought. I don't think that ever works tbh I just got less and less confident and have issues that I still carry with me today. Your dd has had a bad time but learned that it WILL end and not everyone will behave like that.

poshwellies · 16/03/2010 12:36

'Think how you would feel if your child was on the receiving end of these girls vileness?'

We've had issues with bullying on both sides-girls of this age can be darn right vile, I do agree.

I don't think calling children abusive names is very helpful for anyone.

wahwahwah · 16/03/2010 12:39

Show her something like this:
www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-cyber-bullying

It may open her eyes. She is probably just going along with her mates, fitting in, egging each other on.. still not much of an excuse though. Speak to her and tell her that this is just not on and that she needs to understand how this can affect the other gitls (how many suicides have we seen in the papers recently on the back of bullies).

KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent · 16/03/2010 12:41

Maybe the OPs daughter might like to stop labeling a poor girl a Lezza

Monty100 · 16/03/2010 12:41

OP - you're not over reacting by posting it on here, but you need to have these posts deleted.

Your dd needs a good stern talking to and she needs to apologise to the victim.

This is as was said above cyber bullying. Who knows how that poor child is feeling and the ribbings she's enduring this very lunchtime as we speak.

swanandduck · 16/03/2010 12:42

Ban her from facebook and ground her for a month. That is bullying and God knows what effect it will have on the poor victim. I'm sorry, but your daughter sounds as if she's either a nasty bit of work or very easily led.

wannaBe · 16/03/2010 12:42

girls have always been bitchy.

The difference now is that their comments are essentially set in stone on the internet for all to see, and if they remain there is permanent evidence of the kinds of people they are and the things they say.

I would delete her facebook account personally. And then I would say to her that she'd better hope no future employer decides to ever go on the internet looking for information about her should she ever apply for a job, as it only takes one person on her friend list to not have their privacy settings locked down for someone to find that kind of info about her. And don't think employers don't go looking - they do.

overmydeadbody · 16/03/2010 12:43

YANBU

This is not just girls being girls, it is not normal, it is not just a joke, and the girl is being bullied.

OP you need to come down like a ton of breicks on your DD if you are going to nip this in the bud. he needs to delete all her posts and you need to take away her password and any other privilages she has.

It only needs one girl to say to the group "actually, that's not on, let's not do that" and they will probalby stop, but group mentality is that everyone joins in with the nastiness becasue no one wants to not fit in.

poshwellies · 16/03/2010 12:45

Agree wannaBe.

Remove her facebook account and her internet access and have a firm discussion with her on abusive behaviour.

thatsnotmymonkey · 16/03/2010 12:48

kimi I think wading in here and calling the OPs daughter a bitch is totally out of order and more to the point, isn't name calling a bit, well, bullying?

I take your point and the OPS daughter is in the worng, but lets not turn it into a slanging match. I mean, you realise you have just called a child a bitch ? In the language of the playground: take it back

swanandduck · 16/03/2010 12:52

The OP herself described her daughter's action as 'bitchy'.

chocolateorange · 16/03/2010 12:53

I did something equally nasty when I was a similar age. It too involoved myself and 2 other girls bullying another 'friend'.

One day, at fellow bully's house, her dad chanced upon what we were doing.

He was fuming. Called us all down in a voice that still makes me want to cry now when I think of it. He phoned the girl who's life was being made a misery and asked her parents to come round.

We stood in her living room while friends parents and girl who was bullied parents tore a strip of us and we apologised and vowed never to do it again.

We never did.

It was the perfect response to such behaviour and I would be considering a similar approach if I were in your situation.

chopsache · 16/03/2010 12:53

OP, like the other posters on this thread, I don't think you are overreacting at all. I'm another one who was bullied in school like this and it made my life a living hell (no exaggeration) but at least I could come home to escape it. Tbh I think lots of kids join in with this kind of bullying because it makes them part of 'the gang' and thereby avoid being bullied themselves.

I think you're being refreshingly honest in identifying this problem and I can only repeat that you need to show your daughter the consequences of her actions, including an apology to her friend.

LittleSilver · 16/03/2010 12:54

I'm obviously missing something here? Homophobia is acceptable?

You sound like a very responsible mother. I think writing to aplogise is very appropriate. Personally I would approach my DDs teacher as well.