Thinking DD is being really nasty here? or am I over reacting?

[Enchilada81]

DD and her friend went to the same primary school for years but then different secondary schools. They have kept in touch though via texting and facebook and occasionally go to each others houses.

Anyway they're in year 8 now so have been in secondary school for around 2 and a half years.

Last week, this girl came around to our house for tea. They had fun, played on the wii and it was a pleasure having her.

DD is supposed to be asking her to stay overnight in a couple of weeks (as DD has stayed at her house overnight a few times).

Anyway, I've just been on facebook to see DD and her mates from school ripping the piss out of this girl saying she's a lesbian and "it's always been obvious" etc. It was in response to one of those quiz things but the worst bit about it is it will actually be published on the girls own fb wall.

There's about 3 of them, including DD laughing and jeering about the poor girl. DD at one point says "aww i'm only jking chaz" but then a bit further down says "do u really think she could b a lezza? lol"

At the end of it, one of the girls says "she will b able to c all this lol"



I think its awful. DD will no doubt say it was just a joke and "chav" will know that but I think its really bitchy. I can't imagine her wanting to come here to sleep over when she reads all that either.

Am I over-reacting? is this just what kids are like now?

[daisymaybe]

she'll probably (hopefully) feel incredibly ashamed of this behaviour in the future and be grateful that you stepped in to stop it. we need our parents at that age to help us remember who we are, and to be brave enough to stick to it.

[Oblomov]

I don't think its uncommon. But i think it is really really nasty.

[Trillian]

Wow OP your DD is getting in with the homophobia early on don't you think.
What a truly nasty thing to do, I am sure you did not raise her to be a nasty child.

I think you need to make her apologizes to the poor girl she is bullying (and that is what she is doing).

Remove her facebook account (can not understand children being allowed on FB)

Point out to her she is being a bitch, sorry I know that sounds harsh but that is what she is doing.

Stop her mixing with these other nasty girls.

How truly horrid, My guess would be she would not like it if a group of girls starting to be bitchy to her.
I hope she never finds out what it is like to be a victim of a spiteful, nasty person/group, but then again maybe it would teach her a lesson

[Oblomov]

i agree with chocorange. march your dd round to this girls house and apologise profusely. this needs to be done infront of her parents.

[stickylittlefingers]

OP - do you know the parents of the girls your daughter was talking to, if so would their reaction be similar to yours?

I wonder because it may be your daughter is acting like this because she is scared of being bullied herself (as I suppose most bullies are) - it might need more of a group effort, or it would just be your daughter being bullied next.

I agree as well that this isn't "new" just a "new way". But I really hate the way children are no longer safe at home, even, when they are reached over the internet or by texting. Somehow it was harder to actually phone someone up to bully them - at least when you got home from school you were OK.

Hope you can work it out, in any case.

[wahwahwah]

Show her this thread. I would think that complete strangers calling her a 'bitch' will make her stop and think. (I am sure she is not, but her behaviour is bitchy). Nip it in the bud - I agree, I am sure this is not the type of child you raised.

[KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent]

I am not in a playground (although MN is fast descending in to one )
What this girl is doing is bitchy and that makes her actions one of a bitch.

I think the OP is right to be concerned about what her Daughter is doing.
It needs to be stopped, but if everyone wants to jump on my use of a word rather then the face a group of children are terrorizing an innocent child Via facebook then carry on.

Also the term Lezza is disgusting.

[thatsnotmymonkey]

swananduck would you not agree that it is one thing for the mum to say her daughter has been bitchy but quite another for a stranger to call a child a bitch?

Anyway its not the issue here.

OP, your daughter is way out of line. There are some good strategies from others here.

[thesteelfairy2]

The key words being "children" here.

OP I assume your child is around 13? Yes this is horrible but it happens and luckily OP seems like a switched on parent who keeps tabs on her daughters activities and can now put a stop to this.

Can't believe some of the rabid responses on here. They are children and it is not an ongoing thing. OP is going to end this as positively as possible I am sure.

[GypsyMoth]

from what i've seen on facebook this is very ,very common!

i have an account and i'm 'friends' with my own dc and their friends too....i see some of this happeneing,and have once stepped in.

it seems to tail of around year 9/10 i've noticed. so does seem like a phase....also,the words they use to describe each other are horrible....all very different from what i remember calling each other 'biatch' is a term of endearment i'm told!!! or worse 'my biatch'

[Enchilada81]

Thanks for the responces.

DH unfortunately is a major problem in this whole thing. I just don't understand his logic at all. He was bullied at school, yet shrugs it off when his own DD does it. But if ever she has problems with bullies, he's straight in there.

Its as if he thinks "as long as she's the one doing the bullying and not the other way around, its ok". I hate it.

When I tell him about this latest incident, he'll just shrug and say "oh, it was probably just a joke". I know what he's like.

But yes, she is out of line, I agree. It seems to be SO important to her to fit in. She changes EVERYTHING about herself to suit her friends.

We will be having stern words tonight.

[swanandduck]

thatsnotmymonkey: I know what you mean, but I think a lot of people's instinct on reading the OP's post would have been 'what a crowd of little bitches. I would murder my dd if she did that'. It was my reaction anyway.

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

As others have said, if it was my daughter (15) I'd ban her from facebook, ground her and DEFINITELY make her appologise.
It's refreshing to hear that there are other mums who don't automaticaly think their DC's are little angels, behaviour like this needs to be nipped in the bud. Well done OP!

As for Kimi, cut her some slack, she's been through a hell of a lot recently with her mum & sister. She's only saying what some were thinking, and I'm sure far worse would be said if bullied girl tried something foolish if she was very distressed by this.

[poshwellies]

Enchilada81,remove her internet priviledges-we've had to go down this route- it certainly stops some of this awful behaviour,I also demanded passwords so I could go through it all with a fine tooth comb.

I would be standing over her tonight and watching her remove her abusive comments to the girl,deleting the fb account and then having words with both your daughter and husband.

You need his support with this behaviour.

[thesteelfairy2]

I didn't think little bitches, do you know why because EVERYONE does it at some point in their life and it is best to learn how wrong it is early on.

Who on here has never been a bitch or bullied someone at whatever age for whatever reason whether it be to join in with friends, jealousy or whatever. We have ALL done it. Sounds to me like op's dd got caught up in something that is probably out of character and op can now help her dd to learn the lesson early on.

[Kaloki]

"Who on here has never been a bitch or bullied someone at whatever age for whatever reason whether it be to join in with friends, jealousy or whatever. We have ALL done it."

No, we haven't. I was bullied at school, would never inflict it on anyone else.

[swanandduck]

Yes tsf, and when people do it they are being 'bitches'. I have been a bitch (though not at the level described by the OP), so I'm sure have lots of other people on here. I have heard people say, about their small daughter, 'God she's being a right little bitch today'.
Anyway, as monkey said, this is dragging the thread off topic.

OP I'm sorry you're dh isn't taking this seriously. I know that can't help.

[thatsnotmymonkey]

kimi I don't want to jump all over you! I just hate hate hate that word. I know you have been through the wringer with a similar situation.

[pissovski]

Like CMOTdibbler and GOML, i was also bullied by supposed 'friends'. It has left me lacking in self confidence in many ways, but has also led me to question many friendships since. If something was said/done in a particular way - 'is that because they don't really likeme/consider me their friend?'. Writing that as an adult seems ridiculous but it thta is how it made/makes you think.

As others have said, OP you are quite right to think this ws a bitchy thing to do, and are not overreacting. Nothing new about teenage girls being bitchy at all, but it needs stopping.

Good luck

[Oblomov]

steelfairy, i have never bullied anyone. never. am trying to recall if i ever made bitchy comments. no, i don't think so.

[thesteelfairy2]

Never had a giggle behind someones back about their appearance or choices or the way they spoke or the way they did something, never, ever ever? Never said anything you wouldn't say to their face? Those of you who haven't well you are far, far nicer than me then .

[mrsbean78]

I think steelfairy's point is valid.
I was bullied in a similar way at school (no internet back then, though) and certainly wasn't a 'bully'. I didn't have the social status for it, for a start!! But did I laugh along when other people (generally those I was a bit scared of, if I recall!) when people commented about other people in a less than kindly fashion? I'll hold my hand up and say I did.

Enchilada, you still need to come down on this like a ton of bricks, but the fact she said 'only jking' suggests to me that she's got caught up in this, knows it's wrong but is just playing along passively. She needs to learn that's not okay.. and this is the age that most kids learn these social lessons. As a parent, being tough with her and spelling out how nasty her actions are - making her see it from this girl's POV - is absolutely the right thing to do.

But is your daughter a bitch? Speaking as someone who works in a secondary school very closely with young people I would say no, I don't think so. I think she is a girl in Year 8 who is behaving with pack mentality in an inappropriate but fairly typical way that could get out of control and lead to more bullying if it is not treated seriously, as you intend to treat it.

[thesteelfairy2]

"But is your daughter a bitch? Speaking as someone who works in a secondary school very closely with young people I would say no, I don't think so. I think she is a girl in Year 8 who is behaving with pack mentality in an inappropriate but fairly typical way that could get out of control and lead to more bullying if it is not treated seriously, as you intend to treat it."

Exactly what I was trying to say but you said it so much better.

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

Enchilada - what you say about your DH is interesting. To me, it seems to suggest that he has not really got over the bullying. He sees bullies as strong, and people who are bullied as weak. And he feels reassured that your DD is strong because she's bot being bullied.

It's like stickylittlefingers mentioned :

"I wonder because it may be your daughter is acting like this because she is scared of being bullied herself (as I suppose most bullies are) - it might need more of a group effort, or it would just be your daughter being bullied next."