AIBU to be so angry with my DH?

[KernowMother]

Hello All,

First time I've posted a new thread here - but would welcome your feedback. Sorry for long post.

AIBU to be very very angry that my DH went out to watch the rugby on Saturday at 3pm with the promise that he would be back by 11pm and I did not hear from him until 12pm the next day - the next day being Mothers Day. I didn't get a text, call or anything. Infact a mutual friend texted me to say that my DH had 'lost it' and wouldn't be home that night.

I am 9 weeks pg with D? 3 and we have two DS's aged 5 & 6.

He was definitely not with someone else, but did get blind drunk and just 'forgot' about me and Mothers Day. We used to party before our children, but have since settled (or at least I have) and moved on.

He does this about once a year - goes awol - but this time he did it on Mothers Day.

I feel completely undervalued, taken for granted and hurt - but am not sure if it is just my hormones talking shouting or if I do have a right to be so bloody angry. He was on the sofa last night (after I had packed his stuff and sent it to his mums) and has said a pathetic "sorry" a thousand times. To make matters worse, there were no chocs / flowers for mothers day. I was ready to throw them at him but sould have known better.

My darling boys were the sweetest boys and I got up at 6am in the nick of time to stop my 5yo making coffee for me.

So, mumsnetters, AIBU? Should I now get over it?

That isn't good although I personally think that the Mother's Day bit is by the by. It's not a frequent occurence if it's just once a year but it's not acceptable for you not to know what he's up to!

Was it a genuine apology or just to shut you up?

What would he do if you went out and didn't come home? I'm guessing he would not be happy. It's inconsiderate and selfish to just not come home.

YANBU to be annoyed at him.

Leave Mother's Day out of the equation - as upsetting as it is that he missed it, I would be more upset at the fact that he went out and got so wasted that he forgot that he had a wife and DC at home. He is not a 19yo boy out on the town. He is an adult, with responsibilities to his family.

I would have gone mental at him, YANBU! Sounds like he needs a good kick up the jacksy, i.e a sharp shock.

Wouldn't be acceptable to me but we all have different tolerances and it sounds like this isn't the first time. So, if he's done it before and you've been a bit annoyed but OK with it, then YAB a bit U but I think still not totally unreasonable. Mother's Day is blinking mother's day and it is as much an opportunity for your DCs to do stuff for you as it is for you to receive it. I know my DCs would be sad if their dad wasn't home to help them make me breakfast in bed when they thought he would be.

Bottom line - how would he feel if you went out, 'lost it' and didn't come home till the next day leaving him feeling a bit rough and with 2 DCs to keep entertained whilst he climbed the wall with worry/anger?

If he does it 'regularly' then you must have accepted it to a certain degree to still be with him.

What is he like the rest of the time? If you don't think he's up to any funny business, would it be possible for you to just put it down to him clinging on to his youth occasionally and letting off steam?

I'm not implying it's acceptable behaviour, I wouldn't be happy if my DH acted like that, but you sound a bit vulnerable and if it's something you can work out together surely that would be good.

It's a bit crap of him to get his mate to text you though, is he a bit immature would you say?

Thanks all

@OrmRenewed That's the thing - I am sure he's apologising to make me shut up - which I find soo insulting and I also know that any minute now he will say "I've apologised, what else do you want me to do?"

@MmeLindt Yes, that's what has got me most - how do you forget?? Just not possible in my book

@feeimcgee I have gone mental and think that they only way to shock him is to stay mental for a while longer

@wishingchair Exactly, my 5yo says "Sorry I haven't got you a present Mummy but I haven't seen Daddy"

Bottom line is - I just wouldn't do that.

@AgentZigZag he's a twat when he's drunk. Not very attentive husband (doesn't do special things - thinks paying the bill and doing a bit of shopping is enough), but good Dad rest of the time.

He fecked up. Give the guy some slack. YABU

By the way that house he's helping you provide for your family. You're welcome.

You've made your point. Move on.

Of course YANBU. Totally unacceptable behaviour. But you can only, unfortunately change your own behaviour and some people are very unreasonable. Does he do other stuff that means he is a good sort?

IMO most husbands aren't that attentive they just don't think like that. Thankfully mines a real ale drinker and is quite a nice drunk on the rare times he gets really pissed. But I do know blokes who are right wankers when they've had a few, in that case, isn't it a good idea that he stays out when he's in that state?

tosspot thing to do. i say you should rip him a new arsehole and give his dinner to the dog

@javabean247 what? you mean the house that I pay half the mortgage on by holding down a senior job whilst also juggling the childcare?

@agentzigzag fair point re attentiveness

YANBU
Javabean? WTF? She should let him behave like a fucking teenage boy when they have two DCs and another one the way, because he helps provide a home for his family? Get real.

Hmmm, who is JavaBean??

Sounds like you have ishoos that you need to resolve with this subject Javabean?

Javabean = kernowfather???

That or it's all trolling.

YANBU it is totally unreasonable behaviour on his part.

But leave out the mother's day stuff, you are not his mother and he doesnt' need to buy flowers/choc/card etc for you on mother's day.

I would let it go if it was only once a year.
We are all different with what we would tolerate I guess. I know my DH wouldn't mind if I did this on say, my birthday.
I don't see what the problem is. I think you feeling undervalued is a bit of an overeaction myself.

YANBU. Whether you are a WOHM OR SAHM, this is not acceptable behaviour. Everyone needs to let their hair down now and again, but to not phone, text to say where you are??
Why do men think it is ok to behave like this when they have a dw and dc at home? It is the absolute assumption that its ok and their partner will pick-up the childcare, but equally, its absolutely not ok for a woman to behave like this. Why? "Cos mothers dont act like that".
I think some men justify doing this, by the fact that they work hard/are stressed. And, Ive seen replies implying the same from women on here in response to a posters question. I think women work equally as hard whether in employment or at home with the dc full-time.
My dh doesnt do this,and im sure others dont.
This has turned into a bit of a rant, but it does rile me!

mothers day is a red herring.

If it's once a year I don't see it as a big deal.
In fact I wish my dh would really let his hair down like that sometimes.

but hey ho we are all different

Exactly Jasper. Must be good for the soul