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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for getting really p****ed off with my MIL acting as if my DS is a clone of her DS

55 replies

girlafraid · 15/03/2010 14:24

I guess they all do this, don't they? DS is a clone of my DH apparently and their side of the family, nothing he does can possibly have anything to do with me and he looks nothing like me at all blah blah.

I get myself involved in rather undignified moments whenever she says anything pointing out that I did have something to do with him too. We had a quite frankly ridiculous discussion recently where she suggested that DNA is not always passed on 50/50. I kid you not.

Should I be gracious and let her talk, after all she is a mad old bag dear old lady?
Or continue to seethe with irritation every time I'm forced to spend time with her

OP posts:

chiccadee · 15/03/2010 20:52

PS. What do the MILs out there think about this one?

ChezzaB · 15/03/2010 21:10

I honestly thought it was just me who had this kind of pil's I have 2 DS and they are both totally different, one is very blonde and the other is very dark! Totally different in personality also and it is amazing how many people say they look like my side of the family! Not MIL ..... oh no they are the spitting image of DP and nothing at all like me! I just laugh at her and tell point her in the direction of my family pictures to show the similarities! She pisses me off for so many different things but this is one of my pet hates!!!

starkadder · 15/03/2010 21:10

haha peppa - we have the EXACT same thing - only with blue eyes.

runnybottom · 15/03/2010 21:20

Technically dna isn't passed down exactly 50/50, though its pretty complicated apparently.

Get over it, shes an old dear who delights in seeing clear evidence of her genetic legacy. Think of it as a gift to her, how does it harm you to let her see what she wants in her granchildren? You'll be that auld dear one day, seeing your darling ds again in his children, reminiscing and edging closer to your grave.

Be nice to the old lady, and hope your future DIL is as nice to you!

Horton · 15/03/2010 21:32

God no, YANBU. What really hacks me off about my MIL is that anything that's unlike DH is obviously passed down from his sister (WTF?) rather than me. She is nuts and your MIL is, too. Ignore. Although, having said that, I never ignore because I can't keep my mouth shut.

chiccadee · 15/03/2010 21:33

OK, so I know that Runnybottom's answer is 'right' but MIL baiting is sooooo much more fun.

coralanne · 15/03/2010 21:46

I guess I am guilty.

My eldest DGD has just turned 7.

DD said in front of her and DGS, just 5 that DS ALWAYS brings change home from tuckshop but DS NEVER does.

I felt so sorry for poor little thing that I just had to point out to DD that she was exactly the same at 7. Her DB ALWAY brought change home and she never did.

I sometimes point out that DGD has the same characteristics as my DS had and still has.

Maybe it is eldest child syndrome.

I also point out that her DC4 looks like our family where eldest 3 all have bright blue eyes and white hair like DH's family.

OOPS! Guess I'd better stop saying these things. (Not tht I say them tht often).smile

like DH's family.

coralanne · 15/03/2010 21:48

this is my

seeker · 15/03/2010 21:55

In the scheme of things is this worth even the most passing thought? Let her enjoy herself - it doesn;t hurt you and pleases her....what's not to like?

My dp's grandfather, on meeting our dd, said "Ohh, lovely red hair. That comes from our side of the family - my mother had lovely red hair too"

He had known me for 15 years at this point, and had apparently failed to notice that I had waist length bright red hair.......!

sunshiney · 15/03/2010 22:08

Im really dreading the first visit of my new baby at mil's. He will be picked over in great detail to note every similarity to dh's side of the family.

At least poor dh has finally seen how insensitive it is towards me (she even started with scan pics) as my own family is 6000 miles away and won't see the new baby for months.
We just roll our eyes at it now.

I know she is not trying to upset me but it's very galling!

coralanne · 15/03/2010 22:14

It's funny how genetics work.

When my DGC are with my side of the family you can see the similarities between all the children.

Equally when they are with paternal side of the family the same thing applies.

Two of my nephews (from different families), my DS and my brother are all uncannily like my late father.

Same mannerisms and speech patterns. Yet my father died before any of the grandchildren could get to know him very well.

giveitago · 15/03/2010 22:23

There was an article a few months back - ds's perfer their maternal grandmothers as they share more genes (so the article says) and the least genes with the paternal grandmother. Studies showed that baby boys had a higher chance of survival when not placed with paternal grandmother.

Certainly true of my ds - he adores my dm - is very much like her and thrives around her. Loves his paternal gran but certainly doesn't really understand her and doesn't exactly thrive when with her long periods of time.

Just remind her of this.

MrsCosmopolite · 15/03/2010 22:58

My exMIL did this. She didn't like me at all so I guess she was just trying to mentally blot me out of being anything to do with her DGC. It irritated me at the time but it's all water under the bridge now.

Original poster

girlafraid · 16/03/2010 11:46

runnybottom, you are a better woman than i!

OP posts:

runnybottom · 16/03/2010 11:55

nah, just mother of many boys and crazy MIL to be!

Bumblingbovine · 16/03/2010 11:55

I have no idea why this sort of thing upsets people so much! I really don't. Ds looks just like his father and really nothing at all like me. That is pretty much a fact. To be annoyed or upset everytime someone points it out seems ridiculopus to me. He is a mini-me of his dad in looks/colouring etc.

His personality though - Much more like mine!

Dh apparantly was a quiet child who got on with stuff and said very little. Unlike me who was called the "screamer" as a toddler/young child. Ds is just like me as a child, again there is NO WAY anyone could call ds a quiet calm child. I console myself with the fact that I turned out OK in the end .

ShowOfHands · 16/03/2010 11:58

Oh it's lovely. Having a baby is such a life-altering and awe-inspiring time. When a little baby that so viscerally evokes those memories of your own children- through looks and temperament- is born, the chance to remember those days that passed by all too quickly is probably just lovely.

That said we have bets in our family every time a baby is born as to how long it will take my Grandma to claim they have 'the White nose'.

Somehow my dd is the image of me. People in the street comment on it and my baby pictures may as well be pictures of dd for all the difference in them. MIL often comments (jokingly) that there's none of their family in dd at all. It's true, you'd never know dh was her Dad. He is. Honest. Ignore the gossip.

TottWriter · 16/03/2010 12:10

I think the problem lies not so much in the comparisons, which are pretty inevitable in a naturally pattern-seeking species such as we are, but in the manner of their delivery and intent.

I harp on about how my DS reminds me of my sister/brother because he does - but DP and I both know thats because I didn't know my DP or his two brothers as children. When my PIL or my own parents/grandparents mention similarities we know they are well-meaning and just remeniscing or trying to remember how they dealt with a particular behaviour.

There's a big difference between that and a constant barage of remarks that seem intended to rub half of a child's heritage out of the picture. We always remark how much like everyone/no one DS looks, and people agree. If people only ever commented on how much like myself or DP he was, I might get annoyed. If they carried on doing it knowing it hurt my feelings, I would say they were being completely out of line, and trying to belittle the person they ignored.

It's all in the delivery. My maternal grandmother annoyed my mum for years by calling my brother 'her boy' (she does the same thing with my DS now ) but she also constantly remarks how my brother is 'the spitting image of his father'. She's just being a doting grandmother, but some of the remarks in this thread are about grandparents who are clearly going beyond that.

skidoodly · 16/03/2010 12:25

I thought talking about who children were like in terms of character and appearance was one of the pleasures of being part of a family?

You all sound like a load of miserable, insecure bitches.

Bumblingbovine · 16/03/2010 12:32

Tottwriter I think you are probably right. the comments themselves are not the problem. The context is everything.

If these comments are made in the context of a generally non-judgemental, supportive relationship they don't annoy. If they are made as a way of undermining parents then of course they would be annoying as hell.

thumbwitch · 16/03/2010 23:53

dearie me, some people are getting a bit too self-righteous on this thread, aren't they?

The problem as stated by the op is when the MIL or whoever IGNORES any contribution by the mother or her family to any of the DGC's attributes. When she/he makes out that the DGC was somehow born from a DNA-less incubator.

Everyone looks for family traits in DC, it's how you recognise a member of your clan - but denying one parent's involvement in any of it is undermining to the point of nastiness.

skidoodly · 17/03/2010 07:31

The problem as stated is bullshit. Of course the mil is going to see the traits of her family, that's what she knows. How can she "deny" the other side's contibution?

Unless you actually think there is a chance the baby you gestated and gave birth to isn't yours it's a bit fucking precious to need everyone to mention your genetic contribution when they talk about whom your child is like.

This thread is frightening in the level of pettiness shown to grandmothers for being grandmothers.

coralanne · 17/03/2010 09:11

Maybe we should be like spiders.

Where the mother spider dies after having the babies.

But in the case of humans wait until the "babies" are 18.

Then there wouldn't be any embarrassing MILs or mothers or grandmothers around to annoy the crap out of DD's and DIL's.

That would also take a least half of the threads off AIBU.

mehdismummy · 17/03/2010 09:21

my mil says he looks like both of us but she is actually being polite because he actually a smaller version of his dad, but my mil also said the other day when i rang to tell tell ds dad that his son had swallowed a penny (he is in his own country for 6 weeks) that i should leave her son to relax and rest and i should keep a better eye on my son. any chance she had of me visiting with ds in summer she can go whistle for

Bramshott · 17/03/2010 09:27

I think it's lovely - I like to imagine my DH as a little boy when I hear my MIL talking about him.

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