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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

toi think working these hours isn't cruel?

55 replies

ThreeGuesses · 15/03/2010 11:16

DS will start school next month. DH wants me to return to full time work, currently I work part time 3.30-7.00 pm Mon-Fri.

DH say's it cruel to go to work when the children will have only just finsihed school.

I like my job and think the hours are ok, when they are little older we can move their dinner time so we are all eating together.

DH says they will barely see me, but atm our shifts work round each other which mean we wouldn't have to find childcare in the school holidays. We have no family who could help out.

SO AIBU and cruel?

OP posts:

moaningminniewhingesagain · 15/03/2010 11:19

Me and DH work opposite shifts to each other so we don't need to use childcare too. It's hard to make sure you get time with everyone.

Do you want to go fulltime?

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 15/03/2010 11:20

It's not cruel, you are doing the best you can. I do agree that you won't see as much of them though as they will be at school until 3:15 and in bed by the time you return?? They are not older yet and eating at 7:30 isn't that good as it's harder to digest if you eat too late. There are holiday clubs that are open during the holidays if you need childcare. You have to do whatever makes you happy though.

Original poster

ThreeGuesses · 15/03/2010 11:20

We cannot afford childcare so I can't see how we can both work full time tbh. I have no problem working full time again but I don't see how it cn be acheived.

OP posts:

ShinyAndNew · 15/03/2010 11:20

I don't think you are BU or cruel. Is he perhaps annoyed because he is left to do dinner time and bedtime alone?

BAFE · 15/03/2010 11:22

Ah he just doesn't want to do the work on his own.

He'd much rather you worked all day and then come home and did all the dinner and bedtime so that he didn't have to

Original poster

ThreeGuesses · 15/03/2010 11:23

I do bedtime when I get in.

I cook dinner before I go to work. Mon-Fri dinner is a one of the following curry, stew, chilli. bolognese, lasagne, cottage pie etc that can be reheated when needed. Dh just has to reheat the required amount.

OP posts:

ShinyAndNew · 15/03/2010 11:31

If you do bedtime, then you are there for the most important part of the day anyway imo.

When dd1 started school I barely got a word out of her because she was so tired. And now she has gotten over that I never see her because she always has playdates, or arranges to have them here.

I find the bedtime routine and dinner very stressfull when Dh works. But dd2 is very hard work. She is extremely active and won't sleep. It is very difficult trying to make dinner/run baths/settle her and give dd1 an appropriate amount of attention at bedtime.

If I had the choice I'd much rather DH be there to help me. But it doesn't sound like you have that problem.

moaningminniewhingesagain · 15/03/2010 11:39

So at the moment you have the children all day then go to work, whereas DH works in the day but is at home in the evening?

So you both have a full day. What does DH propose in terms of childcare if you change your hours? And holidays, INSET days, children being unwell will all mean someone needs to be available.

For us, this is partly why sharing childcare between us works well. I haven't been in that position but I imagine that finding DC has, say chickenpox and will be off for a week, would be stressful as you someonw would be expected to take time off.

My work only really allows 2 days of special leave 'to make arrangements' and no CM would take them when ill AFAIK. Personally I would be stuffed as no family to help us either.

And no, I don't think you would be cruel, you would be taking the best compromise for you as a family IMHO

MrsSawdust · 15/03/2010 11:42

I disagree about eating later being bad. We always eat our evening meal together as a family. Sometimes this is after 7 if I've been working late. It's really not a problem.

I also think that children go to bed much too early in this country. My DD goes to bed at 8.30, which suits her just fine, and me because on my working days I would hardly get to spend any time with her otherwise. She sleeps well and wakes naturally at about 8.

OP, how can it be 'cruel' when your DC are spending quality time with their father in the family home? Why does he not believe his care to be as special, loving and nurturing as yours?

I say stand your ground. You're happy in your job (big bonus as not many people are), you don't need to pay for childcare, you're home in time to spend a bit of time together and put the dc to bed (and eat your main meal together IMO). It sounds like the ideal set up to me.

As some of the others have said, I suspect your DH may be trying to wriggle out of looking after them on his own every day after work.

Pushmeinthepool · 15/03/2010 11:43

Do you think perhaps your DH is using "you won't see the children" as an excuse, when the real reason is he can't be bothered to do the bedtime/bathtime/teatime routines by himself and wants you to do them?

I think YANBU, and if you're happy with your hours I would carry on with those.

dixiechick1975 · 15/03/2010 13:10

Currently discussing what working hours I might do once DD starts school. Currently do 3 full days.

My DH seems to be starting from the well DD will be in school you can work full time view.

Does your DH realise how little they are actually there - 13 weeks hols is alot to cover or alot of expense for childcare/holiday clubs.

Also what will you do if a child is sick?

On first glance working your hours with school aged child seems odd but I think will work out fine.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 15/03/2010 13:16

I agree - those seem like very sensible working hours to me, especially taking into account school holidays, child illness and inset days.

Ivykaty44 · 15/03/2010 13:16

I don't think many school age children have two parents at home straight after school at 3pm every weekday every week of the term.

I don't see why having only one parent at home after school is detrimental to the children?

What does your dh think will happen to the children if there is only one parent available.

sb6699 · 15/03/2010 13:18

I actually think you are in a very good situation - not cruel at all.

I assume you are there to do the morning routine and drop them off at school and in the evenings DH is there for them and you are both around for bedtime so the dc's are having at least one parent there all the time.

Suspect there are many of us who are actually rather

Are you sure DH is not trying to shirk his responsibilities?

fernie3 · 15/03/2010 13:20

I think that your husband being there is enough. My husband doesnt get home until 7:30pm and so doesnt see the kids during the day )they go to bed at 6:30-7:00) but it has never occured to me that he shouldnt work these hours because he wouldnt see the kids.

I think the way you do it with one parent being around is absolutley fine and if I had to work I would prefer this than to use nurseries etc for younger children. If you are happy then go ahead and work these hours!

Mongolia · 15/03/2010 13:23

You are not cruel, you are just providing your husband with the wonderful opportunity to bond with this children by having to deal directly with their needs during the afternoon/evening. Do you care for them while your husband is working? Then, it's fair, they are still seeing you.

In an ideal world we all would work while our children are in school, will pick them up at 3, had dinner together and would have Mary Poppins as a nanny when the children can't be with us, but life is never like that.

Obviously, if you both could work from 9 to 5 and afford childcare, that would be better and what you suggest would be the lesser of two options but... if you are not in that position, what else can you do?

chatee · 15/03/2010 13:24

you will also be about to have your child at home should they be ill and can't go to school
you will be able to attend all the 'extra' bits that are part of school life(and many at short notice) without having to 'beg' your boss for time off or use valuable holiday days

i think that you are better at sticking to your job hours now and like you say the meal for your family is already prepared......
been there, done that, my family called me the queen of casseroles!!

Bonsoir · 15/03/2010 13:27

It sounds a bit unfair on your DH, to be honest. He is going to work all day and get home just in time for the end of school, and do the whole afternoon thing, whereas you get your days work-and-child-free (and your housework and shopping for a family of three will not fill five days) and get home just in time for dinner with your DH.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 15/03/2010 13:27

yes, as chatee says - you will also be able to go to assemblies, concerts etc ...

< is thinking this is a pretty perfect arrangement, actually ..>

Jamieandhismagictorch · 15/03/2010 13:29

Bonsoir - a dinner which she will cook. Many men would be glad of this time with their DCs.

Bonsoir · 15/03/2010 13:34

I wouldn't be able to stand the guilt, personally!

Original poster

ThreeGuesses · 15/03/2010 13:50

Thanks Bonsoir

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 15/03/2010 13:51

I am a SAHM to two school age DSs. I am not ridden with guilt !

Bonsoir · 15/03/2010 14:03

Why would you be guilt-ridden if you are a SAHM?

The point in the OP is that, if she follows her plan through, she is taking on a lot less responsibility overall than her DH. That's what would make me feel guilty!

Original poster

ThreeGuesses · 15/03/2010 14:17

Doing the morning rountine (breakfast and getting them to school)

All the housework

Cooking the dinner - all the food in actual fact.

Putting them to bed

Attending all school commitments

Doing all the meal planning and shopping

And earning money to help pay the bills/put food on the table.

I fail to see how I am taking on a lot less responsibilty.

The only thing I am worried about is not being for dc when they finish school. I worry that the four hours I don't see them for Mon-Fri may affect our relationship.

I don't feel guilty about the responsibilty

OP posts:

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