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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have wanted to pick up DD and run away as fast as I could?

38 replies

pookamoo · 15/03/2010 10:34

I took DD (15.2 mo) to nursery this morning as per usual on the 3 days a week she goes (I work 4 days, DH works 4 days and the other 3 she is in nursery). I put her in her high chair for breakfast and then I had this huge urge to just pick her up and run away with her and not go to work!

Not of course that I would do that, but I have been feeling so regretful over the last week or so that I have had to go back to work and leave her with Someone Else to look after her.

She has been a bit under the weather and I just wanted to stay home and cuddle her all day (she's actually fine, I'm sure, it's teething). I am so regretting that I need to go to work, and even started to feel selfish for having DD when I wasn't able to stop work full time and look after her. To the extent where I started to wish I had never had the aspirations I had to get to where I am in my career so that we are dependent on my salary as well as DH's to pay the mortgage. If I had always worked part time in tescos things might have been different.

I saw a Mummy with a pushchair and a toddler just round the corner from my work and started to sob because I don't think I will be able to have another child for a very long time simply because I can't afford not to work, and I can't afford two lots of childcare.

I don't think there is enough communication with the nursery because they are too busy at pick ups and drop offs to have a proper chat about how she is getting on. The diary she gets every day says more or less the same thing every day "X has had a lovely day playing with the cars and her friends Charlie and Lola". She has been BLW at home and the nursery said they were fine about it but they were spoon feeding her this morning when I left, and I have noticed she hands me her spoon or fork at home during meals, as if she has unlearned all the things she can do by watching them feed the others! Grr! It's not what I wanted for my child!

Am feeling very selfish and sad and regretful that I am not able to be at home with my gorgeous and wonderful DD, but I have to go to work to pay the bills. Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
ScreaminEagle · 15/03/2010 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mrsbean78 · 15/03/2010 10:49

YANBU
I have just had to say I will go back to work for .7 of my old post when I had been hoping to go back for .4 or .5 - so instead of just two/two and a half days out of the house, I will have a four day week every fortnight. I have been so emotional since we decided it.. but dh's job is on the rocks and we need the security of my safe public sector job.

I would do anything to give up work for a few years to raise my boy and any siblings that follow. The worst thing is that we COULD afford for me to give up (though we would have very little) if dh kept his job BUT our house has lost so much value and the mortgage is so high that we would be in dire straits if he lost his job. We both are in highly specialist jobs where work is not that easy to come by..

I am going to try it for a while. If I hate it, I am going to have to seriously rethink my whole life. You have my sympathy.

MyCatIsABastard · 15/03/2010 10:51

Oh it is tough i really is and I do understand fully. I felt abysmall leaving my DD first of all, and it took me months to feel OK about and tbh I never really have). However, she is now 4 and is a very happy little girl who loves her nursery. b DS has started now and I feel the same again, but it isn't as bad 2nd time around and I am lucky enough that he doesn't have to go full time.

I managed to compact my hours so I was doing 32hrs in 4 days (so not quite full time, but enough that we didn't notice a massive drop in wages), is that something you could do?

WRT spoon feeding, they should follow your wishes, but DD wasn't BLW (hadn't heard of it) and manages to feed herself perfectly well with fork, spoon etc so I would say don't worry too much about it if it doesn't happen and you are very happy with all other aspects of the nursery (and most importantly your DD is happy).

Original poster
pookamoo · 15/03/2010 10:56

It is sad, isn't it?
I feel even more sad when people say to me things like "I couldn't be a SAHM I would get so bored"... or "It must be nice to be back at work for a bit of a break"...
I'm sure some people feel like that, but I just ache to be at home playing with duplo or colouring in!

I do feel that DD has gone backwards on the feeding though. It feels like it would be if she was potty trained and they made her use a nappy. She can use a spoon and fork, but because she's seen the other children being fed now she wants to be fed too. We never gave her pureed food and I don't want to have to start now, when others her age would be just learning to do what she already does and has done for the last 6 months. I have asked DH to say something when he picks her up. Also to ask if they ever do periodic reviews like parents' evenings to talk about how they are getting on. Do nurseries do that?

OP posts:
ppeatfruit · 15/03/2010 10:57

You are so NOT being unreasonable It's biological aint it??

ppeatfruit · 15/03/2010 10:58

A good child minder might suit you better??

BornToFolk · 15/03/2010 10:59

YANBU. I really didn't want to leave DS this morning. He was in a lovely mood and the sun is shining and I just wanted to take him to the park and spend some time with him. It's not so hard when he's grumpy and it's raining...

Anyway, they really should not be too busy for a proper chat at least once a day. I find mornings a bit too hectic to talk properly but at pick up, I always get a full run down of DS's day and I can ask any questions or raise issues then. Can you schedule a chat with her keyworker?

BariatricObama · 15/03/2010 11:02

i remember wailing over dd the day before i went back to work adn saying stuff like i wished i hadn't had her as it was too hard.

lots of sympathy, hope it gets easier

mrsbean78 · 15/03/2010 11:03

Oh BorntoFolk that just makes me want to cry...

I hate the idea of having to leave him on a sunny day.

I used to think life was all about career. I really don't think that now.

Original poster
pookamoo · 15/03/2010 11:08

mrsbean exactly.

ppeatfruit I am beginning to wonder about that. I think they are usually more expensive though?

DH does the pickup. Sometimes I have left notes in DD's diary which I don't like doing because it feels as if I am always moaning, e.g.
Please don't twist the handles on her cup becuase I can't get them off,
Please don't do her nappies up so tight she is getting sore legs,
Please make sure she drinks loads in the day,

I can't write "Please just love her as much as I do" on a note.

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 15/03/2010 11:11

YANBU - at all.

Although I thought the point of BLW was not to have to bother oneself with the puree malarkey rather than teach the DCs anything.

Re the nursery - you shouldn't have to wait for a 6 monthly review. Just ring up and make an appointment on your day off to see key worker and/or room team leader. If they can't find the time for you I would think about a different nursery.

BariatricObama · 15/03/2010 11:13

notes are no good. you need to go in and talk to people esp. stuff like the nappies. this would be alot easier ifyou were happier with the childcare.

mrsbean78 · 15/03/2010 11:17

We looked into childminders and they were cheaper but the issue I had was that none seemed to care for just one child: they seemed to have four or five to care for, say three under three all day and then older siblings before school/after school. I felt that the benefits of being with a childminder were removed with this ratio.

Also I felt the staff in the nursery were warm and loving.. but it's so hard to know.. someone who seems less warm and loving on a one-off visit might be the most tender carer in the world, while someone else might seem to be Mary Poppins on a visit but be quite indifferent.

I wish we had grandparents locally who would care for them. Pookamoo, I just want him to be loved too

BornToFolk · 15/03/2010 11:18

Didn't mean to make anyone cry! DS loves nursery and has a great time, it just seemed really unfair today that someone else was going to be able to spend the day with him and I had to come to boring work. I've been looking at my annual leave though and seem to have lots so I think I'll take a few days here and there and do fun things with him while the sun is shining.

Our nursery does parents evening (well, parents afternoon anyway!) DP went to the last one and said it was mainly a chance to go through DS's development folder and talk about how he's getting on generally but it would have been a chance to raise any concerns.

Good communication is essential to feeling comfortable about your childcare though. I know that I can raise anything with DS's nursery and they'll do their best to sort it out.

MmeLindt · 15/03/2010 11:18

When did you go back to work?

Seems to me there are two issues here.

  1. You are not happy with the hours you are having to leave your DD. Can you reduce hours at all? Or work from home?
  1. You are not really happy with the nursery.

I was happy to leave the DC at their nursery/childminder because I knew they were taking good care of them.

pranma · 15/03/2010 11:18

Ppeafruit I was going to suggest a good childminder-I dont think they are more expensive than a nursery.Dd was so very lucky with hers-she was a Norland trained nanny and lives on a farm[her dh is a farmer]she has 2 dc of her own[9 and 4]and is much loved by everyone who who knows her.She need to research and may find the best ones have a waiting list.

Happybutknackered · 15/03/2010 11:24

YANBU. Could you try to cut to three days? This is what I'm trying to do at the moment. At least then you will have a better work/life balance.

Original poster
pookamoo · 15/03/2010 11:26

mmeLindt I went back after Christmas when she was 13 months old.

I don't think I could reduce my hours as the company was recently not able to accommodate someone else in my department who wanted to return to work on 3 days a week. I have thought about leaving but I need to stay for 12 months or pay back the (very generous) additional maternity pay given by the company. My job could not be done from home.

The nursery seems lovely, and compared to all bar one (which was booked up for 2 years in advance) of the others we looked at (there are only 5 in the area) was far and away the nicest and best. DH said when we had to choose a nursery that he initially had bad feelings about them all. Then he said it was just because he felt that he was having trouble reconciling the idea that Someone Else will be looking after DD.

I think I resent leaving her because I don't adore my job. I am sure they are taking good care of her, it's just that I would take better care of her, because I am her mummy and I know what she needs! I can understand her funny language!

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 15/03/2010 11:42

Of course you are the best one to take care of her, and you are the one who understands her best and loves her best.

Maybe you should look into the childminder option. My aunt is a CM and she was always very loving and caring with her mindees. She was not as good as their mother, but the next best thing available.

notevenamousie · 15/03/2010 11:42

YANBU at all - it's so hard. I agree there is loads more to BLW than just not making purees and have had similar battles (oh she does feed herself her finger food ). I too wonder what the best thing to do is, and wish I didn't have to work.

mrsbean78 · 15/03/2010 11:53

Sometimes modern life sucks.
I thought the whole point of the Women's Movement was to give us choice.. and yet a lot of people still don't have choice.

I would also dearly love three or four children but that's not a financial option with us stuck in a two-bed house. My grandmother had no education or training and earned no money BUT she could afford to live in a four bedroom house and have four kids. And they were surrounded by fields. I live in a two-bed tiny house on a grotty estate where I get regular 'Asbo' notifications about the local kiddies through the door and have a crazy amount of Stuff (which will no doubt increase exponentially over the years) but the trade off is giving my baby to Someone Else to mind while I go to a sucky job to earn more money to buy yet more Stuff (and still not afford a 3 bed house). Lunacy.

Original poster
pookamoo · 15/03/2010 11:57

The only problems I can see with a childminder is what I would do if they were ill, and having to be tied to their holiday dates. We haven't any family nearby, and I suppose this is a symptom of modern life really, isn't it.

I do wonder about the BLW which I didn't have any regrets about before, even though it took her a while to get into it, whether it isn't quite suited to families where others have to care for the children. I did lend them the DVD (we are on it!!) but I know they haven't watched it, the breakfast lady keeps saying she will soon. It was meant to encourage DD's independence but it's hard to tell.

OP posts:
Original poster
pookamoo · 15/03/2010 12:01

The lack of choice is an interesting point Mrsbean.

My own grandmother chose to pack her children off to boarding school, and yet has often pointedly said to me that she thinks little children should be at home with their mothers and why do I really want to go back to work?
My answer is always that I don't want to but I have to, to pay the bills.
Young people today are so greedy apparently .

I will forgive her because she is 90 and hasn't a clue about modern life, which yes, does suck!

OP posts:
junkcollector · 15/03/2010 12:05

"Please don't twist the handles on her cup becuase I can't get them off,
Please don't do her nappies up so tight she is getting sore legs,
Please make sure she drinks loads in the day,

I can't write "Please just love her as much as I do" on a note."

awh, That has made me cry. I cracked after my second and told my -tosspot- ex boss where to stick his job. WE ARE NOW VERY POOR!!!! So I don't suggest doing that. Maybe a childminder though. In my experience they are cheaper...but maybe that's just the ones I know.

tapas · 15/03/2010 12:48

I'm sorry for you..but hopefully this a temporary blip.

When she's a bit older and you see how nursery stimulates you might feel better about the whole thing.

Saying that I'm eternally grateful that I've been able to stay home with all mine. It's not for everyone but if you are pining to be with your children it's incredibly hard.