to have wanted to pick up DD and run away as fast as I could?

[pookamoo]

I took DD (15.2 mo) to nursery this morning as per usual on the 3 days a week she goes (I work 4 days, DH works 4 days and the other 3 she is in nursery). I put her in her high chair for breakfast and then I had this huge urge to just pick her up and run away with her and not go to work!

Not of course that I would do that, but I have been feeling so regretful over the last week or so that I have had to go back to work and leave her with Someone Else to look after her.

She has been a bit under the weather and I just wanted to stay home and cuddle her all day (she's actually fine, I'm sure, it's teething). I am so regretting that I need to go to work, and even started to feel selfish for having DD when I wasn't able to stop work full time and look after her. To the extent where I started to wish I had never had the aspirations I had to get to where I am in my career so that we are dependent on my salary as well as DH's to pay the mortgage. If I had always worked part time in tescos things might have been different.

I saw a Mummy with a pushchair and a toddler just round the corner from my work and started to sob because I don't think I will be able to have another child for a very long time simply because I can't afford not to work, and I can't afford two lots of childcare.

I don't think there is enough communication with the nursery because they are too busy at pick ups and drop offs to have a proper chat about how she is getting on. The diary she gets every day says more or less the same thing every day "X has had a lovely day playing with the cars and her friends Charlie and Lola". She has been BLW at home and the nursery said they were fine about it but they were spoon feeding her this morning when I left, and I have noticed she hands me her spoon or fork at home during meals, as if she has unlearned all the things she can do by watching them feed the others! Grr! It's not what I wanted for my child!

Am feeling very selfish and sad and regretful that I am not able to be at home with my gorgeous and wonderful DD, but I have to go to work to pay the bills. Is that unreasonable?

I really hope this is a blip too. Trust me when she gets older she will enjoy beihg with her little mates and playing, that the 3 days will fly by. I felt like this, and now DS is 2 I want to send him to Nursery!

But she is still more baby than toddler

see how things go, but as its only 3 days console yourself that it could be 5 days..

and watch out for nursery, so many people dont get the right one first time

hand on in there

I think it's great that you've got the balance of both you and DH getting a day at home with her. Though you might prefer it to be 2 days for you, your DD will benefit from time with daddy too!
I wasn't happy with info from nursery, phoned up and said wanted a meeting with key worker, one arranged for the next week at a time that suited us - feel much better having had a chance to sit down and talk through the list of things that were bothering me. You don't have to wait for next parents evening.

YANBU. I was the same and after alot of thought/risk gave up the job to SAH. Luckily, DH got a better paid job eventually and we struggled through. I would look at if you can change anything both short term and long. I know someone in this position who became a childminder and loves it.Hope you can figure something out.

I am sorry you feel this way, when my daughter was 7 months I was in work and had only been back about a month (only part time) and suddenly felt like crying and running away and rather embarassingly I did - lost my job and have been a SAHM since, we did have to move to a cheaper house as a result but other than that I was lucky because my husband was very supportive of this and since I was only in a very low paid job anyway it hasnt made a huge amount of difference beyond the moving.
YANBU and I think that the majority or women who go to work whether it is full or part time will have these thoughts occasionally even if they are very happy in their jobs.

You have two options really sorry to be blunt but either you try and find a childcare option that works better for you (a nursery you are happier with or childminder) OR you dont work. It just depends on how strongly you feel either way!

pooka, I so sympathise, I just want to scoop you up and give you a hug (I know it's not allowed on MN so I won't )

I totally, totally understand how you feel. and know what you mean about seeing other mums out with their babies/kids and envying them; and not being able to bear it when people say "oh I couldn't be a SAHM'...when you're so desperate to be there with your child.

It is miserable.

I think maybe it is worth looking into childminders. Yes I know there are potential issues there with leave, etc but to be perfectly honest I would personally put my chld's needs at the top and let things like that follow. IMO you will find a way round those issues, so long as you feel happy with where she is.

When my DS was pre school age I changed jobs to a 2 day a week job. It wasn't enough and we re-mortgaged, then downsized. We still have alot of debt from that time which we are trying to pay off.

I've never regretted it for a second and love looking back on DS early years and knowing that I was nearly a SAHM....

however the debt is always there; and now that DS is junior school age we have come to the stage where we can't move the debt around any more and are having to sell the car, make lots of sacrifices to finally pay it back, so DS junior school years won't be full of memorable holidays, big treats etc.

however I don't think that matters a huge deal. He has safety, routine and security which I do think matters.

I guess what I'm saying is don't let work/bills/money define your experience of motherhood, if you can borrow/downsize then do so IF and only if you think that you won't regret it. And if you can't/won't go down that road, get her in childcare you're happy with and rest assured it will be fine; you are still the centre of her world and are still her mum whether you work 1, 2, or 5 days a week!

sorry for long ramble, hope makes some sense - just really feel for you.

Oh gosh YANBU!!

My DD is only 9 months and I had to go back to work when she was 4 months old. Both DH and I work fulltime, although I now do fulltime hours over 4 days (Mon-Thurs) so have to work from 8am-6pm, but I am the much higher earner so we really don't have a choice.

We bought our first house in December 2008 and are paying a ridiculous 7.9% on the mortgage so payments are massive. No way that I could even think about giving up work. Hoping though that when we remortgage this year, that the interest rates will be lower and we can start to save lots.

Plan is that I will go back to 5 days, but 9am-3pm when DD starts school, so that I will be there to take her and pick her up.

Having a long term goal is helping me get through these awful work days without her.

It's just pants!

I think a long term goal would be a good idea.
I will have a good chat with DH about it tonight.

I rang nursery at lunch time and had a very quick chat with DD's key worker to find out if she seemed ok (she was fine apparently). I asked if we could fix a time for me and DH to come in and have a chat with the keyworker about how DD is getting on, and her development etc, now that she has been at nursery for 3 months. She was going to ask her manager and will tell DH when he comes this evening to pick LO up.

I can't believe how much time I have spent on MN today at work, and I can't wait to get home and give DD a big squeeze and have the lovely giggly tickling time we usually have after her bath.

As usual, MNers have been brilliant at supporting a fellow mum through a difficult day. It seems we are far from the only ones in this situation! Women's lib has a lot to answer for!

Just to update, I had a great chat with DD's keyworker, she's doing really well and they are really pleased with her progress and putting her up to toddlers over the next month.

I think things are actually ok, and we all have some days when we pine for our DCs a bit. Maybe one day I will win the lottery or something!

That's good pookamoo.

I don't know if it's any consolation but I went back to work when my DD was 14 months old and she went to nursery. I felt really guilty and I hated leaving her there but I had to go to work.

She is now 7 and looks back very fondly on nursery, she still talks about her friends there and they things they used to play and do. All she can remember is the water play, painting, dressing up, lunches etc etc and none of the sad things that we beat ourselves up about.

i do sympathise. As a sahm myself, i often wonder if i'm doing the right thing too.

i think the women's lib thing is a bit of a red herring tbh. how 'liberating' is it to feel stuck in either situation, wishing your life was different?

Maximising the available workforce to keep wages down/job security low is pure Capitalism, that's what the pressure for women to go out to work is really all about.

True liberation will come only if the cost of living/pressure to consume beyond our true needs decreases so that women have a real choice.

Yes. I think your being unreasonable.

The key line for me is...

"To the extent where I started to wish I had never had the aspirations I had to get to where I am in my career so that we are dependent on my salary as well as DH's to pay the mortgage."

Having aspirations is nothing to to with having a big mortgage. Nothing to stop you downsizing to a small house with a small mortgage and having another baby or working more flexibly to spend time with the sprog.

Ah but it's not a particularly big mortgage, javabean. It's just that in order to buy a house, we needed to rely on our two salaries to actually get any kind of mortgage.

Don't worry about the spoonfeeding thing, you will be doing that on the odd occasion until secondary school. Sometimes children get a bit tired or it's too boring to feed themselves or they just fancy a bit of extreme waitress service. Doesn't mean they can't do it when required.