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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think time DS and I should come b4 run

33 replies

hippodrama · 13/03/2010 20:03

this has become a major issue. Granted it's not the only issue but the situation is the three of us don't have much time other than on a Sunday because of work and business commitments. On Sunday we could spend the day together. (He has one day off in week which is his own. I don't). He refuses to go for his Sunday run later on in the afternoon or evening and insists he must go in the morning meaning that everything has to be planned around this. He's training for the marathon so he might be out for a couple of hours. He won't budge, he won't compromise. Came to a head today because of Mothers Day (my first) which will have to be arranged around his training. He told me I'm selfish and egotistical. Am I being unreasonable in asking him arrange his training around us rather than vice-versa.
Appreciate some feedback!!

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 13/03/2010 20:07

DH is a triathlete and in training. I work around him because it's his time off, he has a training schedule and trains better at certain times of the day. And training makes him happy and it's only a couple of hours in the morning.

This is my 3rd mothering sunday and we barely acknowledge it as far as I am concerned, we make cards for my dm and mil but that's it. DD can make the effort when she's old enough to want to. She's making me breakfast in bed tomorrow because she chooses to but I don't expect dh to change his training because of it.

FanjolinaJolie · 13/03/2010 20:10

YABU I'd say the Marathon Training would come first TBH. In a months time it will all be over and you'll have your Sunday mornings back.

Presumably your DH is following a marathon training plan? My DH did, and always did his long run on a Sunday morning using the same start time as the marathon, mind-training apparently an important part of it all.

The marathon is a huge undertaking, and such a worthwile cause if you're running for charity. Your DH needs your support.

Lindy · 13/03/2010 20:12

I think that athletes need to be very focussed on their training and if your DH runs in the morning at least it means he has the rest of the day with you? My DH and DS go to rugby every single Sunday morning (I go to Church) so everyone is happy; I certainly don't expect them to change their plans for Mothering Sunday and I won't be changing mine.

Have you got any interests of your own that you can do at another time? I have to agree with your DH in that you do come across a bit 'needy'

Elsewhere · 13/03/2010 20:15

yanbu - you feel like you're coming 2nd to his training & he needs to explain that you don't & make a special effort towards you.

Original poster

hippodrama · 13/03/2010 20:15

thanks for your honest and balanced points of view.

OP posts:

Original poster

hippodrama · 13/03/2010 20:21

I'm not "needy" unless you count coming first now and again as needy. Elsewhere, you're right, that's pretty much how I feel.

OP posts:

badgermonkey · 13/03/2010 20:22

A long run in the morning is certainly best - I like to do a long run on Sunday and if I go after I've eaten at all it weighs heavy on my stomach. Last week I went 4 hours after a meal and felt sick all the way round. Also you get it out of the way and can enjoy the rest of the day without thinking about how you have to go running later (and if he's following a plan, he does really have to go if he can).

Original poster

hippodrama · 13/03/2010 20:33

Makes sense - thanks badgermonkey

OP posts:

MissM · 13/03/2010 20:38

My DH did two London Marathons and both times i got really fed up and bored of our weekends being taken up with running. So I trained with him (granted we didn't have kids at that time so wouldn't be possible now). It was annoying and a bit irritating, but it was over by April so be honest I'd just go with it.

mybabywakesupsinging · 13/03/2010 20:40

DH has done the marathon a few times.
Yes-worthy
Yes-raised loads of money
But it does take a tediously long time to train for owing to the long runs required.
Was OK the first time when I could go for a "run" myself.
Was less fine the 2nd time; ds2 was under strict instructions not to emerge until his due date in case in mucked up training/actual run.
So I do sympathise as a fellow running widow.
Make sure he is sponsored loads, maybe that will make you feel more postive.

Skimummy · 13/03/2010 20:43

Looks like a few mumsnetters in the same boat! My DH is training for an Ironman so you can imagine the hours that involves. That said, he does get up really early (i.e. 6am) so that it doesn't interfere too much with our days together. It did annoy me quite a bit at the start but not so much anymore. He is hugely appreciative which helps.

Difficult situation as it is your DH's only day off - I would just suggest he has to make it up to you after his run like I have!!

Original poster

hippodrama · 13/03/2010 20:43

Thanks MissM. This has been an issue for the last 8 months!!! so I do feel a bit like he's running away from his commitments -but for now, sure, he's got to train.

OP posts:

Original poster

hippodrama · 13/03/2010 20:49

Skimummy - I think an Ironman may be next! A London Marathon Mumsnet meet up point at a suitably located pub might be good idea.

OP posts:

desertgirl · 13/03/2010 22:16

If he's only called you selfish and egotistical, that would be a bit worrying - he should have explained the reason for training when he does and how he does; however, it does seem to be difficult to avoid...

(formerly married to a mad ironman)

MissM · 14/03/2010 10:29

Just to say as well Hippo - I do sympathise and my thoughts are with you! Maybe you could negotiate something that you do next year after all your support of him this year?

OrmRenewed · 14/03/2010 10:35

If he's training for a marathon that comes first for now. Why can't you go for lunch after his run? I go running and I get really antsy when I can't go. ANd I'm not training for a marathon.

It's about getting head space as much as anything - I know that sounds selfish when there are children involved but for some people it's essential.

DH plays football every sunday. For about 3 hrs. Even when he's ill or damaged he still goes to give support.It's his time.

MmeLindt · 14/03/2010 10:38

My DH goes for out on his bike in the summer months, around 2 hours on Sunday mornings.

I really don't mind it, but he goes very early - about between 7 and 8am and our children are older so don't need much care at that time of the day.

He does his sport, comes home and we breakfast together then spend the rest of the day with the children.

It is good for him to do this, as it relaxes him. He has quite a stressful job and he needs the sport to work off some energy and frustration.

Can you see it as a time where you can relax (and MN) rather than being annoyed as he is not there?

BetsyBoop · 14/03/2010 10:47

Is there any way he could do his run a bit earlier sometimes as a compromise?

There's a huge difference between out at 9 back at 11 (morning "gone") and out at 7 back at 9 (still loads of time to do stuff before lunch)

Even if he did this once a month it would mean virtually a whole day together once in a while?

I can see both sides TBH, he needs his space & his training, but you need "family" time

itsmeitsmeolord · 14/03/2010 10:53

I think its a bit rich for him to call you selfish and egotistical when sundays appear to be all about him.....

Sure he needs to train , but as someone else suggested, he could occasionally go early, ie out at 7am to give you all a day together.

Especially as Sunday is the only family day you get together.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 14/03/2010 10:54

I am guessing you might feel differently about this if he was also home with you and DS on saturday too? It feels like your only day together on sundays and he is taking part of that to do something for himself?

Also he has a day to himself every week (does he look after DS that day?) and you feel annoyed that you do not get the same time to yourself? You spend saturday looking after your DS which of course you want to but resent having to do it alone (and it can be harder on weekends as no one around)?

I have to say I would feel the same as you

Uriel · 14/03/2010 10:56

hippo - why can't he go on his day off in the week?

teaandcakeplease · 14/03/2010 10:58

I think on Mothers day it'd make me feel a bit low if my hubby still did his usual run, instead of spending his only free day with me. But I guess he is training for a marathon and as everyone says, it won't be long and it will all be over.

If he'd reassured you how important his training was and he'd treat you later, you could live with it. But not every man is good at communicating and saying the right things to his woman

I know where you're coming from though, hope the day gets better and better after he gets back though x

skidoodle · 14/03/2010 11:08

Why must the marathon "come first"?

This man has a baby. That means his wife and child should come first.

Running isn't his job, it's a hobby. Hobbies, the amount of time devoted to them, and the level of commitment taken on need to be arranged around the non-negotiable parts of your life - work, family commitments, domestic chores.

He'll have plenty of time for time-consuming hobbies when his children are bit older.

There's only person being egotistical and selfish here and it's emphatically not the OP.

SugarTits · 14/03/2010 11:19

Nobody likes to be told what to do, especially when what they are doing is good for their health, enjoyable and stress relieving. My dh cycles at the weekend. In the begining the dc's and I found it broke up the weekend for us and was a bit anoying. DH had been very ill and it was good for him to go, so we sucked it up. Now that dh has good the cycling bug he gets up early-ish (7.30/8.30) and goes for a couple of hours. Kids and I slob about slowing begining the weekend and then we all have a breakfast when dh gets back. It doesn't interfear, but it took a while for us all to find a way to incorporate it into our weekend. FWIW dh didn't go for a ride this morning, I didn't ask him he chose to stay. However I'm not his mother.

MathsMadMummy · 14/03/2010 11:21

sorry haven't read other posts, but I'm caught in the middle. generally, the run should come first, it's only 6ish more weeks now I think? At least he's dedicated to a healthy hobby and not going dahn the pub . I'm trying to persuade DH to get back into running as it'd energise him - he was very talented back in his day and actually I feel a bit guilty that he's lapsed because of me and DCs. So YAB a bit U overall I think.

BUT regarding mothers day YANBU at all, he could've rearranged it just this once! Quite selfish as it's your first mothers day, and he was really rude!

On Sundays generally, when he's recovered from the run can he take DC for a bit to give you some time?

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