In disagreeing with my husband when he says that relationships only succeed if one party changes himself/herself completely to suit the other- and none of the 'meet in the middle' philosophy ' works?

[FullTImeWOrkingCommutingMum]

As he is getting older , my DH is reverting back to the person he was before I met him- he says that being 40 makes you shed all your masks- now I feel the only way we can be happy together is for me to accept that and supprt him through all his current work worries/etc- rather than fussing about how unsupported i feel

That sounds a bit odd. I'd say he is completely wrong, and relationships where one person changes completely to suit the other are very unlikely to work because the change is unlikely to survive long term.

why should he have masks to shed??

I think all relationships involve some sort of adaptation of personality to suit the relationship - but I don't like the sound of "mask shedding", that rather sounds like he doesn't care any more if you see the shittier less convivial sides of his persona.

When I split up with my ex, he "changed" - in reality, all the suppressed parts of his personality that didn't fit well within our relationship came to the fore.

You can't completely subvert who you are to sustain a relationship, but you can't expect to stay exactly the same and maintain a relationship either - it just doesn't work in either extreme case.

So he has been faking how he is for years?

He is talking nonsense.

My DH was the first man I feel I was truly myself with. And he married me knowing how messed up I am. I never have to pretend with him.

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So, his mid life crisis "mask shedding" involves him turning into a bit of a shit.

Not acceptable. Marriage is willing compromise, not ultimatums.

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we didnt really have to work that hard to meet in the middle. That was why we liked each other and it worked.

All relationships involve a little adaptation - I will show different "sides" of myself to different friends for example - they are all me but I will be more serious with some, more funny with some etc.

However with really close friends and partners, they should be seeing pretty much all of you, surely, as they are with you so much.

Then over a bit of time they turn into family, which is a more different "warts and all" affair. I think there are sides of me that don't come out much these days - mainly the good time girl party animal person - but with 2 small children that's more to do with circumstances and ageing than changing to fit in with people.

In short, I think he is being unfair TBH. What sort of behaviours is he displaying now that are different?

That's insane. When I met my DH I liked him, not some idealised image of him that i could mould his raw form into. Ditto he for me. We liked the person we met and spent time with; why would one person have to radically change?
You both make small adjustments along the way but that's just give and take.

Does he mean he wants to go out on the piss all the time?

What sort of person was he before you met him?

Well that's ok, then. He can start working on changing himself completely to suit you, can't he

I am assuming that he rather thinks that it will be your role to change, however....

Thank you all for your insights- I guess 'shedding masks' is more like peeling off bits of your personality that did not come to you naturally, just as Imsonottelling rightly pointed out , we all do. Its like not really bothering to make an effort any more to go that extra few yards for the sake of the person you think you love.
I don't know, may be i am just being too petty

No, Lou31205, he says he can change himself to suit my needs- he always cites an example of a friend of his who has apparently had a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde type transformation in his 15 years of marriage- but by threatening to change himself to suit me, he now burdens me with the guilt of not letting him be true to himself- complicated huh?

not really, FTWCM - he is basically saying to you that he can't be bothered to try to be "things" any more (things that might have made your relationship nicer) and that if you don't like it, you have to change YOURself to adapt to it and put up with it because he isn't going to.

How is that petty?

The question is, if he sheds the "masks", will that necessariyl mean he is awful or unbearable?

When people relax and reveal more of their true personality to you, it is often a good thing, and you like them more. Why does it definitely have to be a bad thing?

What sort of things is he talking about/what was he like before you met him?

Is he saying he wants to do whatever he fancies whenever he fancies irrespective of the rest of the family? Or just that he wants to pick his nose in front of the telly or reveal to you that he hates your favourite sitcom?

No - secondcoming, none of that- it seems silly when I write it down, but it is things like sharing the housework with me- I work full time and i am away from home about 11 hours a day and have 2 kids- he is maddeningly busy at work too- don't really know why I am putting myself through all this- and all the time when I am cleaning out a dirty sink first thing in the morning because DH 'hates cleaning up after a full stomach' - just makes me so resentful - it is not right- I do want to pitch in but feel that I do not get the support

So he's decided to opt out of family life? Any other examples?

On a more practical note, Can you afford a cleaner?

I have a cleaner, and an au pair , so really there is very little he has to do- but I don't expect the au pair to take the bin out every week ( the only job I have really ever asked him to do - and fails me every week)- and it is a mad scrum every week to get to the rubbish truck on time- usually by me in my pyjamas and dressing gown - in fairness- he is great with the kids and cooks our dinner at least 2-3 nights a week ( just for us; the au pair cooks the kids' meals)- do I don't really know if I should be making all this fuss

ooh eh does have it bad then

poor diddums

Has he bought a bright red, willy-shaped sports car yet?

Well what he is doing sounds fine.

But what he is saying sounds odd.

If DH suddenly annoucned that he was going to "shed the mask" and stop doing anything unless he wanted to do it I would be a bit

If his behaviour isn't a huge problem then can't you just talk to him and try and understand what on earth he's on about?

I am .

From the examples you have given "shedding the mask" seems to mean - stp doing the things he doesn't really like doing. That's not very mature, IMO. Either he is depressed, or resentful (why ?) or lazy (why now ?)

stp =stop